


You Don't Trust Me?

by laney_da



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bisexual Steve Rogers, Demisexual Bucky, M/M, Marching Band, Minor Character Death, Past Abuse, Past Relationship(s), Quidditch, Roommates, Slow Burn, Stucky Big Bang 2016, Underage Drinking, Washington D.C., and Movies, like super minor, they watch a lot of tv, they're oblivious and it's annoying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-04
Updated: 2016-09-04
Packaged: 2018-08-12 21:15:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 57,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7949431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laney_da/pseuds/laney_da
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is in the marching band. Bucky plays quidditch. They watch a lot of TV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic, so please don't judge me. It's also unbetaed so all mistakes are mine. I love these idiots and I hope you do too.
> 
> I wrote this for the Stucky Big Bang and I got beautiful art from redwriteblue on tumblr. Here it is, I love it so much!   
> http://redwriteblue.tumblr.com/post/149849950123/they-order-starbucks-for-each-other-how-could-i

The first time Steve met Bucky was online.

"Hi! I saw your roommate profile on the University website and I thought I should message you. I think you’re the only one that put their tumblr URL on that page and I really respect you for that. I was too afraid to do so, but I’m glad I found someone that I could connect with. My name is Bucky by the way. Well, that’s a nickname. Full name is James Buchanan Barnes. Anyway, let me know if you’re interested in rooming with me next year!"

Steve read through the paragraph a few times before it finally hit him. Someone wanted to live with him next year. He pulled up Facebook and typed in the name “James Barnes”. It didn’t seem like any of the results that were listed were the guy who had messaged him. He deleted the search and instead tried “Bucky Barnes”. Almost immediately, he found the boy who had sent him the message.

Bucky’s profile picture was a solo one of him at what Steve assumed was prom. He was smiling effortlessly at something that someone off camera had said. Bucky’s hair was short and slicked back and his all-black outfit outlined his figure nicely.

Bucky was hot. Steve was intimidated. He started flipping through the other pictures on Bucky’s profile. Steve learned that the boy was in theatre, was a pretty large nerd, and was intimidatingly attractive.

‘I’m glad I found someone that I could connect with.’ Steve decided to reply to Bucky’s message.

"Hello! Thanks for sending me a message, but I think I might have already found a roommate. You seem cool though, and I wouldn’t mind being friends when the semester starts!"

Steve read over what he had typed and realized he didn’t mean a word of what he had said. He threw caution to the wind, deleted the whole thing, and sent Bucky a friend request.

"Hello! You seem really cool and I think we might fit well together. I just sent a Facebook friend request to someone I assume is you. I hope we can get to know each other a little more, and maybe we’ll decide to live together. Feel free to message me on Facebook because Lord knows the tumblr messaging system sucks. Thanks for messaging me!"

Steve sent the message before he could think too much about it. At the very least, he could be going into college knowing someone other than his cousin. If everything worked out, he could end up having a super hot, nerdy roommate.

The second time Steve met Bucky was move-in day.

Steve had been pretty lonely the first few days of dorm-life, seeing as he was the only one living in a four-person suite. The suite itself didn’t help his loneliness. It was the biggest dorm suite Steve had ever seen, and one of the reasons he had chosen this school. The front door opened into a rather spacious living room that included a mini couch and an arm chair. Straight back from the living room was the first bedroom, the one Steve and Bucky had claimed. The living room also gave way to a hallway which led to the bathroom and the other bedroom. A great feature about their suite was that the shower was in a separate room than the toilet. There was a sink in the toilet bathroom, and a sink outside the shower room. Steve loved the amount of space the dorm offered to four people. But for the first few days of his college experience, he was the only one occupying that space. Even though the honors kids on his floor got early move-in, he was still alone for half a week.

Things kind of sucked for band kids that way.

Steve Rogers played the trombone in the Marvel University Marching Band. He couldn’t be happier with his choice to stick by music for all those years. Even though he technically hadn’t met his roommates, (or anyone else that lived on his floor for that matter) he still felt like he found a place where he could finally be himself. He had been at college for four days, and he already felt like he found some life-long friends.  
Steve had gotten used to living alone and only seeing people at rehearsal. It had taken three days to get over his loneliness and he was starting to feel at peace. Especially when he got to take uninterrupted, mid-afternoon naps.

So when he walked into his room during the two-hour lunch break, he didn’t expect to see a flurry of people moving in and out of his bedroom.  
He walked into his room and casually set down his instrument. The flurry of people hadn’t noticed him yet. After standing awkwardly next to his bed for about a minute, he finally spoke up.

“You must be Bucky,” he said to the boy he knew belonged to that name. Bucky, who had been standing on his desk hanging up a picture, turned around and flashed a smile.

“Steve!” he said with joy in his voice. “I wasn’t sure when you’d be back today.” As he climbed down from the desk, Bucky looked around sheepishly. He didn’t seem to have a system of unpacking as his belongings were strewn across the entire room.

“I’m sorry about my stuff, I don’t know where I want everything to go yet,” Bucky said. A blush was rising to his cheeks and Steve laughed.

“Don’t worry about it! I had four days to get my crap together and you’ve had about four hours. Just let me know if I can help at all.”  
Bucky smiled. “You could tell me if this picture is straight.”

The picture may be straight, but I sure as hell am not. Steve thought to himself. He’d be an idiot to deny the fact that Bucky was attractive. Or the fact the he might be attracted to Bucky. But he wasn’t going to get into that shit. Bucky was his roommate and Steve had already convinced himself that nothing could ever happen. First of all, he didn’t even know Bucky’s sexuality. For all Steve knew, Bucky was straight. But even if Bucky did swing that way, Steve wasn’t going to let anything happen. Steve didn’t even know what his sexuality was. He was always attracted to girls and he liked the idea of being with them. But, occasionally, he’d look at a guy and feel something similar. He’d been coming to terms with the fact that he might be bisexual, but he wasn’t ready to admit that to anyone. Let alone himself. He wasn’t comfortable thinking about it, so he knew he wouldn’t be comfortable talking about it.

“Yeah,” Steve told Bucky. “It looks good.”  
  
Steve didn’t even have feelings for Bucky. He just knew that his roommate was the definition of “hot college boy”. And he really liked the idea of being with a hot college boy.

“Are you hungry?” Steve found himself asking Bucky. “I have two hours until I have to be back at band and you look like you could use a break.” Bucky looked around at the messy room and shrugged.

“Yeah, it wouldn’t hurt to eat something. Hey, have you met Tony and Phil yet?” Bucky asked.

“Not personally, no.”

“Oh, this will be fun.”

Bucky hopped down from the desk and led Steve into the common room.

“Apparently they’re good friends from home. They have matching bedspreads and everything.”

There had been a group chat where they shared facts about themselves. Matching bedspreads had never come up. Steve didn’t know what to think.

“Hi!” Suddenly, there was a medium-sized boy standing in front of Steve. “You must be Steven.”

“Uhh, it’s Steve actually.” Tony had an impressive mustache and goatee combination for a college freshman. He nodded and went back to unscrewing something from his bed.

“You’ll have to excuse Tony,” said a voice from the corner of the room. “He’s used to working with robots, and doesn’t deal well with people. I’m Phil Coulson.” Phil held his hand out and Steve took it.

Bucky was right. Phil and Tony had matching bedspreads, but it was worse than he’d imagined. It seemed as if there was a mirror in the middle of the room and everything was just reflected over to the other side. Steve didn’t know what to think, but he figured that first impressions usually aren’t correct.

“We were just about to get some lunch,” Bucky told the other boys. “Do you guys want to join us?” Phil and Tony exchanged a look, and agreed to tag along.

***

“So that’s when I said ‘Her name is Lola.’”

“I can’t believe you actually named your car Lola,” Bucky was crying from how hard he was laughing. The suite mates had gone to a shitty diner within walking distance from campus. They regretted their decision when Tony’s ass slipped into the booth cushion.

Steve had been right not to trust his first impressions of Tony and Phil. They explained that everything of theirs matched because it was cheaper to buy everything in pairs. Tony had told Steve and Bucky that he was big into building stuff and playing with computers. He also was technically already a sophomore at MU because of the amount of AP and college-level classes he took in college. They pretended to be impressed, refraining from mentioning that both of them were about 6 credits away from also being sophomores.

Despite the atmosphere of the diner (that they would never be visiting again), the four of them hit it off. They told stories about their hometowns and discussed different clubs they wanted to join.

Steve was having so much fun getting to know his suitemates that he completely forgot to check the time.

“Steve,” it was Bucky that remembered for him. “Don’t you have band?”

“Shit!” Steve checked his watch and bolted up from the table. He dropped a 20 on the table and apologized for running out like he was. He grabbed his trombone and got his ass to band. He was seven minutes late and had to run laps, but it was totally worth it. Steve actually felt excited about getting to know this group of boys. He knew that they were going to make his freshman year interesting at the very least.

Band had been horrible. Because of the rain, both the afternoon and the night rehearsal were inside. Unfortunately for the marching band of 200+ people, the indoor football field wasn’t air conditioned. Steve was sweaty, tired, and just wanted to crawl into bed. He left the field, and walked back to his dorm in the pouring rain, content with pretending it was enough of a shower for the night.

He knew that he was going to have to talk to his suite mates for a few minutes before heading to bed. He also knew he’d be able to fake his way through a little social interaction before collapsing.

Then he opened his door.

“Steve!” he heard a few people shout. “You’re home!”

“I, yeah I am.” He had opened the door to find about fourteen people he’d never seen in his life crowded into their common room. There were at least five people on the couch, definitely more chairs present than they owned, and everyone else smashed together on the floor.

“It’s Clint’s birthday, so we were celebrating with a movie night,” Bucky explained to him, clearly a little annoyed with the amount of people taking up his space. He gestured to a thin boy sitting next to a red-head. Clint waved and smiled through a bite of cake.

“I’m finally eighteen!” He shouted, his voice muffled by the cake. Steve wished him a happy birthday and stepped around the numerous people on the floor. One girl he recognized from color guard—he thought her name was Mary, or Maria or something—offered Steve her hand when he started to lose his balance. He smiled at her gratefully and toppled into his bedroom.

As he started to close the door, Steve felt resistance and saw Bucky follow him into the room.

“I’m so sorry, Steve,” he starts to apologize. “I didn’t know so many people were going to follow us back here. Clint seemed like a cool guy and it’s his birthday and I didn’t want him to be sad and lonely on his birthday but that led to all these people being here and…” Bucky trailed off when he heard Steve chuckling softly.

“Bucky, it’s completely okay. You’re a great person for doing that for him. I just didn’t expect to see so many people in my dorm. My day was kind of shitty and all I really wanted to do was fall asleep.”

Bucky’s eyes cast downward at that.

“But now that all these people are here, you might as well introduce me.”

“Are you sure? You just said you wanted to go to sleep.”

“Yeah! I don’t know anyone other than you and people in band. That can’t be too good for my social life.”

Bucky smiled and opened the door to introduce Steve to everyone. The movie had ended while they were talking in the other room and people were starting to talk amongst themselves.

“You know Clint already,” Clint waved again.

“That’s Natasha,” the red-head from earlier nodded.

Bucky rattled off names while pointing to different people around the room. Steve was amazed by the ease with which Bucky remembered who was who and how he met each one of them. Steve tried to keep up with all the names and faces, but he was never good at remembering things like that. He stored Clint and Natasha in his brain, and nodded along while Bucky named everyone else.

When he finished, and Steve had introduced himself properly, people started trickling out. Someone mentioned playing a game of mafia and the crowd of people moved down the hall.

“Mafia?” Tony asked after everyone had gone.

Bucky all but choked. “You don’t know how to play mafia?!”

He grabbed Tony by the wrist and pulled him down the hall to the game in progress. Coulson and Steve were left to clean up after everyone that had been there. They discussed who had been there and Steve admitted to not knowing the names of a majority of the people he had just met.

“Don’t worry,” Phil comforted him. “Together, we could probably name at least five of the hundred people that were just here.”

“I strongly believe we could get at least seven,” Steve laughed.

The two cleaned up what was left and Phil told Steve that he was going to bed. Steve bid him goodnight and decided to take a shower. It was still raining outside, and he knew he wouldn’t want to wake up in the morning to shower for band.

Steve jumped in the shower and washed off the filth of his day. While he shampooed his short hair, he let his mind wander to what he thought of the people he had just met.

Clint and Natasha seemed inseparable already. They had all been living on the same floor for less than a week, and people were already starting to form cliques. Steve hated cliques. Rather than beginning to judge people, he thought about the girl that had helped him not to fall.

Maria, her name was definitely Maria. She lived at the end of the hall in the six person suite. Steve knew he had seen her going in and out of the doors with the flag bag strapped to her shoulders. He’d actually offered to help her multiple times, but she politely declined every time.

He got out of the shower and continued to think about her. Maybe he should ask her out? Probably not. Steve had never been the one to initiate relationships. Peggy had asked him out originally. He wasn’t even sure if he really liked Maria, he just saw her every day at band.

He decided against acting on anything just as Bucky opened the door to their bedroom. Thankfully, Steve had just pulled on his boxers and his roommate hadn’t seen anything that would take their friendship to another level.

“Sorry, dude,” Bucky was breathing heavily. “I just thought you needed to see what just happened.” Steve pulled on sweats and a shirt and followed Bucky down the hall.

Bucky knocked on the door at the end of the hallway and Maria opened it, her mouth open in a wide smile. She pulled the door open all the way to reveal Tony being yelled at by an angry blonde girl.

“WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN THINK IT WAS OKAY TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!” She roared.

Everyone else in the room was snickering and Tony was the brightest shade of red Steve had ever seen anyone. Bucky leaned in to fill Steve in on what was going on. Apparently, the blonde girl was named Pepper and she was the narrator. She was also having a ton of fun with the newbie. Tony had never played Mafia before, and Pepper took the advantage to mess with him.

Bucky also told Steve that Pepper and Tony had gone to the same high school, so she knew a lot about him. And what buttons of his to push. Steve locked eyes with Tony and saw a small plea for help in his eyes.

“Pepper, what exactly did Tony say to invoke the wrath of the narrator?” Steve asked.

“I guessed that Maria was the killer and then Pepper tore my head off!” Tony whined. Some of the snickers had turned into full-fledged laughs at this point.

Steve took pity on Tony and explained to him the real rules of the game. Pepper smiled the entire time and then apologized for scaring the shit out of her friend.

“I just couldn’t resist!” She told him.

Bucky was laughing the hardest at this. He grabbed Steve’s arm to keep his balance and asked his roommate to stay and finish the game with them. Steve agreed and sat down next to Bucky.

“Okay,” Pepper started. “Now that everyone knows the real rules, we can play the game.” She dealt everyone a card and began to narrate their story.

“It was a dark night on the campus of Marvel University…”

Steve ended up being one of the mafia. He used his innocent look to his advantage and played off not knowing what was going on. By the end of the game, no one believed him that he was one of the mafia. Bucky least of all.

“But you were so innocent about everything that happened!” He yelled at Steve. Steve couldn’t help the smile that formed on his lips.

“I guess you’re just really gullible, Buck.”

Everyone laughed as Bucky threw up his arms in anger. They decided to end on that game and everyone said goodbye for the night.

Steve, Bucky, and Tony walked back to their dorm together, discussing the things they didn’t know about each other. Both Bucky and Tony claimed that they didn’t trust Steve after that stunt he pulled in the game.

Steve laughed. “If you were surprised by that, you have a lot coming to you.”

Bucky and Steve bid Tony goodnight and went into their shared bedroom.

“You know, I wasn’t expecting you to look the way you do,” Bucky told Steve after they had crawled into their beds.

“What do you mean?” Steve asked his roommate.

“Most of your pictures show a scrawny kid that couldn’t weigh more than 100 pounds soaking wet.”

“Yeah, I actually get that a lot. When I was growing up, I wasn’t very healthy. I was small and got sick a lot. But Mother Nature took pity on me in junior year and I hit a huge growth spurt. It was weird getting used to my new body, especially the fact that people started looking at me differently. I’m pretty much used to it now, but I still get weird looks from people when they see what I used to look like.”

Bucky was silent. Steve guessed that he had fallen asleep. It wasn’t weird for people to ask Steve about his body, he was used to it. He was glad Bucky had asked him about it. He hated when people skirted around the fact that he used to be a twig. Steve knew that he had a great body now, but he still sometimes felt like the insecure, sick kid from his childhood.

“I like both versions of you,” Steve heard Bucky whisper, almost inaudibly. It was obvious that Bucky was almost asleep. Steve thought that Bucky seemed like the kind of guy that liked to have the last word, and he wasn’t surprised that Bucky had commented on his physique. He rolled over, mumbled his thanks, and let himself fall asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

College was weird. That much Steve could tell you. He’d been at MU for a month and he had already had enough odd stories to tell for the rest of his life. The thing was, he enjoyed how weird it was. Up until he turned 18, Steve hadn’t had a lot of consistency. His family moved a lot, he didn’t keep up relationships, and he really didn’t know what it was like to be around the same group of people for longer than a year. He didn’t mind that life, but he was starting to realize that he’d have to change his entire world view if he was going to continue at that school.

Even though he’d only been there a month, Steve could tell that some of the people he had met were going to be in his life forever. The only person he’d ever had that feeling about, other than his parents, was Peggy. But there was something about the characters at MU that made Steve feel good. He liked being swept up in the ‘drama’ of the day. Most of which surrounded Bucky.

“I can’t believe she said that!”

Steve opened his bedroom door to find Bucky laying on his bed, cell phone in hand. He dropped his backpack at the foot of his bed and pulled out his computer.

“Wait, what exactly did she say? Did she specify what part of the body she was talking about?”

Steve laughed to himself. Bucky seemed oblivious to the fact that he had walked in. Something that Steve had learned in the month they’d been living together was that whenever Bucky was talking to Natasha, he was lost to the rest of the world.

He opened his computer and pulled up the essay he’d been working on. He still had about a week until it was due, but it was worth half of his grade so he didn’t want to mess it up by doing it all the day before.

“Okay, but was it actually blue or was she talking shit like usual?”

Even though it was all new terrain to him, Steve found himself falling into the patterns of college life pretty easily. His classes weren’t too hard. Band was enjoyable despite the time commitment. He was making friends. It was new, but it was a good kind of new. He’d never had the promise of staying in one place for four years, and he was beginning to like the idea of staying friends with people for longer than a few months.

“Hey, Steve!” he turned around when Bucky finally hung up the phone. “When did you get back?”

“About 20 minutes ago. Around the time of the specific body part.”

“Oh, yeah. Maria was spewing shit about some guy that she hooked up with last weekend and Nat thought I should know every detail.”

Bucky swung his legs over the side of his bed and looked over Steve’s shoulder.

“Ya writing some dirty story over there, Steve?”

“Oh yeah. I’m all about the erotica of Emily Dickinson.”

“I knew it,” Bucky sighed as he laid down on Steve’s bed. “I always pegged you as one a’ those weird ones.”

“Get off my bed, you ass.”

Bucky stuck out his tongue and climbed over to his own bed. He sat cross-legged and stared at Steve. Steve tried his best to return to his essay but he eventually gave into his roommate.

“Can I help you?”

“I’m hungry.”

“Hi hungry, I’m Steve.”

Bucky rolled his eyes and stood up. “C’mon.”

Steve looked at Bucky’s outstretched hand.

“It’s not acid, you weirdo. We’re going to Starbucks.”

“I thought you were hungry,” Steve said as he stood up.

“Like my ma always said, ‘Coffee is good food’.”

It was Steve’s turn to roll his eyes. Still, he grabbed his keys and followed Bucky out the door. Their dorm was about a 10 minute walk from the on-campus Starbucks. They walked in relative silence, Bucky bouncing on his toes trying to keep up with Steve.

When the familiar scent of coffee beans reached his nose, Steve smiled. The smell of coffee always reminded him of his mom. Coffee was Sarah’s go to beverage and it seemed that every time Steve walked in the door, there was a fresh pot brewing. He must have been smiling like a fool because Bucky was giving him a weird look.

Steve brushed it off and they got in line.

It was nice and convenient that they had a coffee shop on campus that took dining dollars. So convenient, in fact, that everyone used it as often as they could. Which meant that every time Steve wanted coffee, he’d have to wait in a line a mile long. Usually, he didn’t bother. If he wanted coffee, he’d make it in his dorm. But standing in line with someone else made it a little more bearable.

“I can never make up my mind what to get,” Bucky mused while staring intently at the menu. “I usually end up wanting hot chocolate but I feel like a child ordering that at Starbucks.”

“I usually end up ordering the same thing every time I come here. I almost never try something new.”

“Hmm…” Bucky squinted his eyes. “Okay. I have an idea.”

Steve looked at his roommate expectantly.

“What if we order for each other?”

“That sounds like a bad idea.”

“What? You don’t trust me?”

“No,” Steve teased. “Not one bit.”

Bucky stuck his tongue out again and went back to studying the menu. “I don’t care what you have to say. We’re doing it.”

Steve sighed and let Bucky have his way.

“Who’s next?” The lady behind the counter called.

“Hello ma’am!” Bucky flashed his most charming smile. “I’d like to order a Grande Iced Americano for Steve.”

Steve groaned internally, but accepted the drink anyway. He stepped up, contemplating what drink to stick Bucky with.

“I’ll have a Grande Cinnamon Dolce Latte for Bucky, please?”

Bucky looked at him like he’d committed murder.

“What? It’s really good!”

“What part of ‘I always want hot chocolate’ do you not get?”

“I’m not going to order hot chocolate for you because you’re a four year old.”

Bucky sulked away to wait for his drink. Steve joined him after he paid.

“You’re going to love it,” he promised. “I don’t trust you.”

Steve shrugged and grabbed the drink labeled for him. He walked away to find a table. Bucky joined him not long after, holding his drink like it was a bomb about to explode.

“If you don’t want it, I’ll drink it,” Steve told his friend, suddenly worried that he’d pushed the boundary of friendship a little too far.

“Nah,” Bucky waved him off with a smirk. “I’m just giving you shit. I actually love cinnamon!”

Steve mustered up the best eye daggers he could while Bucky laughed to himself. They both tasted the new drinks and found that the choices had turned out well. They sat in comfortable silence for a few moments, before Bucky became antsy with the quiet.

“So,” he started. “We’ve known each other for about a month now, but I don’t know much about you.”

“What are you talking about? You know tons about me.”

“Yeah, I know your class schedule and what you wear to sleep, but I don’t know who your favorite author is. Or what you would do with a million dollars.”

“My favorite author is Tim O’Brien and I would buy my ma a house if I suddenly got a million dollars.”

“A house doesn’t cause a million dollars, Steve.”

“Okay, then I would buy everyone awesome gifts, put some in the bank, and then give the rest to charity.”

Bucky eyed him for a few moments. He could feel the blood rise to his cheeks. He’d told the truth, yet Bucky seemed to be skeptical about his answer.

“You’re a real softie, aren’t you?” Bucky asked with a smile.

Steve let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. He returned Bucky’s smile and focused back on his coffee.

“But really, I wanna know a bunch of dumb facts about you. Otherwise, how can I call myself a friend of yours? Friends know dumb facts about each other.”

“I guess that’s true,” Steve laughed. He’d known Bucky for a month and his roommate still surprised him pretty frequently.

They sat there for an hour as people rushed around them, exchanging stories and asking each other ridiculous questions. Nothing was off the table.

“What is the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever been obsessed with?” Bucky asked between sips of his coffee.

“There’s nothing embarrassing about the things I like.”

“Lies. I bet you watch Glee.”

Steve fell silent.

“Oh my god!” Bucky’s face lit up. “You actually watch Glee?!”

“It has great representation and the music isn’t that bad!”

“Holy shit, Steve, you are a Glee fan. You like Glee.”

“I—”

“Did you watch The Glee Project?” Steve was again silent. Bucky’s laughing increased.

“I bet you cried when Cameron quit so Damian could stay.”

Bucky’s laugh started to die down as Steve fixed him with the most intense glare he could muster up.

“What?” Bucky chewed his bottom lip and shifted in his seat.

“There’s no way you could’ve known that if you didn’t watch it…” Steve watched the blood rush to Bucky’s cheeks as it dawned on him that he’d gone too far.

“I, umm…”

“You’re just as much a Glee fan as I am!” It was Steve’s turn to laugh. Bucky’s entire face had turned red and Steve was enjoying every minute of it.

“Can we just agree to forget about this?” Bucky tried.

“Absolutely not. You gave me shit. I’m never letting you live this down.” Bucky resigned and joined in with Steve’s laughter. They continued talking about anything they could think of, poking fun at one another when they found it necessary. Steve was having such a good time that he didn’t realize how long they had been there. Bucky went to sip from his coffee when he made a disgusted face.

“Holy shit, it’s freezing!” Steve couldn’t help the laugh that erupted from his body. The look on Bucky’s face was quite possibly the funniest thing he’d ever seen. Bucky was looking at the coffee cup like it had betrayed him. He was definitely coming up with ways to hurt the cup in ways it had never been hurt before.

“We should head back before you have your coffee arrested,” Steve suggested. Bucky obliged and they walked back to their dorm.

“I’m glad we did this,” Bucky brought up after walking in silence for a few minutes. “It feels like we achieved the next level of friendship.”

“Hang on Bucky, I think we might be moving too fast. We’ll be living together soon if we don’t take it easy.”

Bucky stuck his tongue out and shoved Steve’s shoulder. They both laughed and continued exchanging stories all the way back to their room.

When Steve was lying in bed that night, he went over what he could remember of their conversation and thanked every god he could name that someone had brought this eccentric boy into his life.


	3. Chapter 3

The time Steve truly met Bucky was after a particularly stressful day. Steve had come home from band, expecting to see his roommates getting ready to go to dinner. They would usually wait for Steve to come home, then go downstairs to the dining hall together.

Instead of seeing the boys pulling shoes on, Steve came home to Bucky curled up in a ball on his bed. Tony and Phil had left for dinner already, probably wanting to leave Bucky alone to deal with his problems.

“Hey,” Steve said quietly while putting his trombone on the ground. “What happened?”

He heard an inaudible groan come from the pile that was Bucky. He wasn’t sure if he should leave his roommate alone, like the others had done, or if he should try to help somehow. As he was trying to make up his mind, Bucky sat up and Steve saw that he had been crying.

“Listen, I know it’s still pretty early in our relationship to do this, but I was wondering if you could sit here while I complain about my day…?” Bucky asked Steve.

“It’s not too early, and of course I will.” Steve sat down next to Bucky on his bed.

“Just, promise not to judge me for the things I’m about to tell you,” Bucky sounded like he was forcing himself to speak.

“I promise.”

Bucky sighed. “I don’t know if I’ve told you about the kind of person I was in high school, but I wasn’t great. I liked to sleep around and I didn’t really care about who I hurt. I got good grades, and I was involved in a lot of clubs and sports, so my parents didn’t really care about anything else that I did. After I hurt one of my closest friends, I realized that I was just fooling around with people because I didn’t understand who I was. I never really felt attracted to the people I slept with, but the sex felt good so I continued to do it.

“I realized that I didn’t really know why I was doing what I was doing. I just kind of kept doing it. So last year, I tried to change myself. I stopped sleeping around and I got my act together. I started treating people better and I actually had a few friends that stuck around. I felt a lot better about myself and who I was. I gained so much confidence in just a few months and I even started to date someone. He knew about my entire history and all the people that I’d hurt. He told me that he didn’t judge me for who I had been. I really believed him. We were dating for about six months before either of us initiated anything sexual. It felt so amazing to have a relationship before doing anything like that. I was so happy with him.

“I did some research, found tumblr, and realized that I’m demisexual. You probably don’t know what that means,” when Steve was silent, Bucky took it as a sign to continue. “Demisexual is kind of like asexual. Asexual people don’t feel sexual attraction. I mean, that’s a really simplified version, but it’s pretty much the gist. Demisexuality is along those lines. For me personally, it means that I don’t feel sexual attraction until I’ve established a relationship with someone. I didn’t feel good about myself when I was sleeping around because I didn’t feel like it was right to be with those people. But then I had Brock. I really loved him and I wanted to be with him.

“I lost myself in Brock. He showed me so much love that I hadn’t felt in a really long time. People never showed me real love. I didn’t really deserve it. I was the guy that everyone wanted to sleep with. And when they did, it was a check off a bucket list. They could tell people that they had sex with Bucky Barnes. I was my name and my reputation.”

He paused for a second.

“But with Brock I was a person. He talked to me like he was interested and treated me like I mattered. I wasn’t used to that. I fell so fast and so hard that I didn’t realize what was really going on. He treated me the way I needed to be treated, and he knew exactly what to say and when to say it. I relied on him too much and basically slipped into an abusive relationship. He never hit me, so I didn’t really believe that he was hurting me. The relationship started out perfectly healthy and I loved him so much that I didn’t want to believe that he was turning me into someone that I wasn’t.

“I thought he was being overprotective, but he was really just over possessive. I wasn’t allowed to talk to other people. I had to keep him updated on where I was and who I was with. He was taking my personality away from me and I let it happen.”

Bucky went silent for a moment. “I know this is a lot to share with you, but it was killing me just keeping it to myself. And then today happened, and I just…”

Bucky trailed off and Steve saw his eyes fill with tears. He grabbed his roommate by the shoulders and pulled his head to his chest. Bucky cried into Steve’s shirt for a few minutes while Steve rubbed his hand across his friend’s back. When Bucky finally pulled away, he looked ashamed.

“I’m so sorry, Steve,” he mumbled.

“Don’t ever apologize for having feelings.”

“Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome. Do you still want to talk about what happened today?”

Bucky nodded slowly. “I need to get it out.” Steve sat back and let Bucky continue his story.

“I eventually broke it off with Brock and he got pretty violent. I’d rather not go into detail about that, but the scar on my left arm came from the last time I saw him. He pushed me into a door and my arm went through the glass. Hopefully that gives you an idea as to how bad it was. I left him and never really looked back. I got back on my feet and tried to figure who I was without him.

“Today, I thought I saw him. I know that he doesn’t go to school here, I got as far away from that douche bag as I could. But I still had a gut wrenching feeling that he was there, watching me. I was sitting in the Student Union, catching up on some homework. I looked up from my computer and there was a guy that looked exactly like Brock sitting two tables away from me. It didn’t seem like he had noticed me, so I packed up as fast as I could and got the hell out of there. I don’t know if it was actually Brock or if it was just my imagination playing tricks on me, but it felt real either way.

“I had the worst anxiety attack that I’ve ever had and that’s how I ended up here. I don’t really know how to deal with these feelings. I thought I was over what happened with him. But I guess not. I saw him and everything kind of all rushed back at once. Tony and Phil tried to talk to me about it, but I couldn’t stop crying. I basically yelled at them to leave me alone, so they did. I feel horrible for doing that, but I couldn’t talk about it with them. They wouldn’t know what to say and it would end up being super awkward. I know that I shouldn’t have yelled at them, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

Bucky stopped talking and looked at Steve. “Thank you for listening. I can’t believe I just told you all of that.”

Steve truthfully didn’t know what to say. He had kept his arm around Bucky for a majority of the story and was still rubbing his hand up and down his friend’s back. When Bucky looked him in the eye, he smiled.

“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me all of that. I know that there’s nothing I can say that will make it better. But if you ever do see Brock, you let me know. Because I will kick his ass so hard his great-grandchildren will feel it.”

Bucky laughed softly and shrugged out of Steve’s embrace. He wiped his eyes and grabbed his phone.

“Holy shit, it’s already seven! We should go eat something.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. I feel so much better now that I’ve gotten that off my chest. I’ve felt like I’ve been keeping something from you this whole time. I know it’s not something that you needed to know, but it’s a big part of why I am who I am and I thought you deserved to know.”

They grabbed their keys and headed down to dinner. Steve was glad that Bucky had felt comfortable enough to share such personal information with him. He knew that it took a lot of courage to admit to other people the things that hid inside. Steve was grateful that he had found someone like Bucky. He made it easier for Steve to feel comfortable with himself.

“So what are you?” Bucky asked Steve carefully. Steve didn’t expect the question to come so soon. If he were being honest, he would’ve wanted to be the one to initiate the conversation about his sexuality. But Bucky had been so honest with Steve. He had told Steve everything that he feared about himself. Steve looked at Bucky in his vulnerable state and made a split second decision.

“Umm, I’m pretty bi.”

Bucky nodded and continued walking. He didn’t make a big deal out of it, like Steve had been expecting. Steve didn’t know if he was disappointed or relieved that Bucky had simply accepted it and moved on.

What he did know was that there was a huge weight lifted of his shoulders. Bucky had been the first person Steve had come out to. He had to admit to himself that it felt really refreshing to have gotten it out in the open. Though it wasn’t the same kind of thing Bucky had just told him, Steve felt similarly to what Bucky had said. He knew that it wasn’t any of his roommate’s business, but he felt like he was hiding something.

“Do you think they’ll have pasta tonight?” Bucky broke through Steve’s thought process.

“They had better. It hasn’t been pasta day in weeks.” Steve knew that he and Bucky had just become much closer, and he was thankful. He really enjoyed spending time with his roommate. Now that he had gained a better understanding of who Bucky was, he felt even more comfortable around him. Steve knew that it would still take a while for him to open up to Bucky, but he was glad he found someone that he truly trusted.


	4. Chapter 4

“Pleeeaaassseee?” Bucky was whining. “Please, please, please, please?”

  
“I don’t care how much you whine. I’m not going to quidditch practice with you!”

  
“But you’re just as much of a nerd as I am! Why aren’t you excited that our school has a quidditch team?”

  
“I am excited that our school has a quidditch team. I just don’t want to be on it.”

  
Bucky had seen a flyer for the quidditch team and he had decided that it would be the perfect boding activity for him and Steve. Steve had other thoughts.

  
“Just one practice. Just the first practice.” Bucky’s voice had somehow gotten more annoying.

  
“Why do you want me to go with you? If you want to join the team, you don’t need me there.”

  
“I don’t need you there, I want you there. And it’s just one practice. I don’t want to go alone and be weird because I don’t know anyone else.”

  
“You are pretty weird,” Steve ducked when Bucky took a swing at him.

  
“Will you please just go to one practice with me? I won’t ask you to do anything for me ever again.”

Steve gave Bucky an accusatory glance.

  
“You’re right. I can’t commit to that… One month! I can commit to one month! I won’t ask you to do anything for me for one month. Starting after practice,” Bucky was basically pleading with Steve at this point.

  
Steve didn’t know how much longer he could keep up his charade. He was always going to say yes, he just wanted to see how far Bucky would go to get what he wanted. It turns out he went pretty far.

  
“Fine,” Steve huffed. “One practice. But if anyone makes any broom innuendos, I’m out! That includes you.”

  
Bucky grinned and tackled Steve in a hug.

  
“Thank you! I promise you’ll be happy that you agreed to do this.”

  
Steve laughed and pushed Bucky off of him. Bucky looked so happy and Steve was glad he could make his friend fell like that so easily. They both put on athletic clothing and checked the flyer for the location.

  
“See,” Bucky pointed. “It’s not even that far away. It’s at the law field. That’s like across the street.”

  
Steve rolled his eyes and followed Bucky out of their room.

***

Quidditch was nothing like Steve was expecting. He knew they wouldn’t be playing the sport exactly like it had been described in the books, brooms didn’t really fly. But he didn’t think it would be as physically demanding as it turned out to be.

  
On either side of the field, there were three hoops attached to poles of varying lengths. The players ran around with sticks in between their legs and threw balls at each other. All of the rules pretty much carried over, and the terminology was the same. There was a quaffle, beaters, seekers, and even bludgers.

  
The snitch, however, was the most surprising thing. Instead of being a small gold ball that flew around, the snitch was a human. A different person in each game wore gold shorts that had something attached to the back. The job of the seekers was to detach the little ball that hung from the shorts.

  
Steve thought of approximately one million dirty jokes to make when he found that out and, when he looked at Bucky, he knew he wasn’t the only one.

  
The rules were explained and the people divided into teams. Steve felt extremely out of place. He didn’t understand what he was supposed to do, and he ended up throwing a dodgeball—which represented a bludger—at someone on his own team.

  
But when he looked at Bucky, he was glad he had come with his friend. Bucky was in his element. He dodged the attacks from the opposing team with ease and passed the ball like he was being paid to do so.

  
While he was watching Bucky, a different beater had thrown the dodgeball straight at Steve’s face. Steve could tell that Bucky was probably going to continue with this club sport. He however, would not.

  
After the mini-scrimmage ended, Bucky ran up to Steve.

  
“This is amazing!” His face was red and his breathing was heavy. “I’m so glad you agreed to come with me.” Steve nodded and Bucky ran back to join the next game.

***

“So do you think you’re going to do it?” Bucky asked as they were leaving. The practice had gone on for another hour and all Steve had done was watch Bucky have the time of his life and get hit in the face a few times.

  
“Probably not.” Steve answered. “It’s not my thing. You seemed to enjoy yourself, though.”

  
“I did! I loved being a chaser. I can’t believe that I was so good at it!”

  
“It seemed like you had been playing for years.”

  
“I know!” The ever modest Bucky. “But I don’t want to join if you’re not going to.”

  
“What the hell, Bucky? You belong on that team. I do not. I already have band. This can be your thing.” Steve didn’t want to be the reason that Bucky didn’t join something he enjoyed.

  
“That’s true. And we don’t have to do everything together.”

  
“Exactly.”

  
“Okay,” Bucky decided. “I’m going to do it!”

  
Steve was glad that Bucky had something extracurricular to attend. He was beginning to feel bad for spending so much time with band kids and leaving Bucky to be by himself. He might have been being self-centered in thinking that Bucky only hung out with him, but he didn’t really care. Bucky was slowly becoming Steve’s best friend and, even though he knew that Bucky had other friends, he still felt bad for choosing other people over Bucky.

  
“Did you see the boy with the blonde hair?” Bucky asked timidly.

  
“The tall one?”

  
“Yeah.”

  
“Yeah, I saw him. Why?” Steve was afraid to hear the answer.

  
“He was kind of cute.”

  
“I guess. He’s not really my type.”

  
“Tall, athletic, and handsome isn’t your type? He was beautiful,” Bucky was staring into the distance with a determined look on his face. Steve was surprised to feel an uncomfortable pang in his chest.

  
“He’s not what I define as handsome,” Steve could hear his voice get a little strained and tried to hide it.

  
“More for me, then.” Bucky hummed and there was a spring in his step the entire way back to their dorm.

  
Steve didn’t know how to feel. He knew he didn’t have feelings for his best friend. He couldn’t. The feeling he had was connected to what he had been thinking about. Steve didn’t really like to share, and that included people. He had gotten so comfortable around Bucky that he didn’t really think about having to share him with other people. How selfish. Steve was allowed to have other friends but as soon as Bucky showed interest in other people, Steve got jealous.

  
Steve resolved to ignore the feeling he had and just be happy that Bucky had found something that he could enjoy by himself. It didn’t matter if there was a tall, athletic, handsome man wooing his best friend. He would be happy for Bucky.


	5. Chapter 5

Steve loved living on the honors floor. Not only were his roommates intelligent, everyone he encountered on his floor was too. One of the things Steve was afraid of when he picked MU was that he wouldn’t find people that he could relate to. He knew that he was pretentious and thought a little too highly of himself, but it came with the territory of being an honors student his whole life. He knew that there was an honors college, he was a part of it, and he hoped that the other people in the college would also be intelligent.

He was pleasantly surprised. It turned out that Steve wasn’t the only person who chose the cheaper school over the more prestigious school. Nearly everyone he talked to in the honors college felt the same way he did. He quickly made friends with the group of boys across the hall.

Three boys lived in the suite across from Steve’s. One of their roommates had moved out in the beginning of the year. A spot had opened up in the better honors dorm and he took advantage. Steve had never met him but from the way the other boys talked about him, he hadn’t missed much.

Steve had originally gone to the room to return something of Clint’s. After the impromptu birthday party that Bucky had hosted for him, Clint had left his cardigan and wallet in Steve’s living room. Steve took the possessions over the next day and met Bruce Banner and Sam Wilson.

Bruce was a quiet biology pre-med major. He was fascinated with the way unusual things fit together and wanted to go into some sort of biology-focused-inventing-profession. Steve stopped paying attention when he slipped into a science vernacular. After Bruce explained something about atoms and brains and computers, Steve decided to introduce him to Tony.

Sam was much more Steve’s speed. Steve recognized Sam as the guy who ran laps around the field while the band rehearsed in the morning. He introduced himself and the pair hit it off extremely quickly.

“You still haven’t joined me on my morning runs,” Sam brought up. It had been three weeks since they had met and classes were in full session. The marching band no longer had thirteen hour days, instead rehearsing for two hours every week day. Steve had told Sam that he wanted to join him on his morning runs as soon as classes started.

“Because I don’t want you to feel bad about yourself when I run laps around you,” Steve teased his friend.

“You are full of shit, you know that?”

“At least I can run a six-minute mile.”

“ONE TIME I TOOK SEVEN MINUTES. God, why did I think I could trust you?”

Steve really enjoyed the company of Sam. It was good to have friends outside of band and the people that lived in his room. It was also nice to have a place to go that wasn’t his bed. College was weird because everything you needed was in one place. A dorm room served as a bedroom, a living room, a kitchen, and a bathroom. In Steve’s case, there was a dining hall in his basement so he really didn’t need to leave the building other than for class. It was convenient but also repetitive. Even though Sam’s dorm was just across the hall, it still felt like a separate place.

He loved his room and his roommates. There was just something about having a place to go which wasn’t his own bedroom that made Sam’s company so much more enjoyable. It was a good place to escape the occasional tension between Tony and Phil as well as a place where he didn’t have to think about what Bucky smelled like.

“But seriously, why don’t you come running with me?” Sam asked.

“I just can’t get myself wake up early enough. And if I do, I can’t seem to make myself do physical activity.”

The truth was, Steve worked out every morning, probably earlier than Sam ever did. But he couldn’t tell Sam that. The reason he hadn’t gone running with his friend was because Bucky needed Steve in the mornings.

Bucky was not a morning person. The opposite of a morning person. Sometimes Steve felt like Bucky’s mother because it took him at least three times each morning to wake Bucky up. Steve loved the fact that Bucky needed him like that. He was selfish and weird and he would not give up seeing Bucky sleepily rub his eyes any time soon. No matter how close he was with Sam, waking Bucky up in the morning was better than any workout he could take part in.

Sam knew that Steve was full of shit. Sam also knew that Steve would never willingly lie to him if it weren’t something that he truly cared about.

“Alright,” Sam put his arms behind his head. “But you’re missing Natasha angrily lifting weights to the beat of Nicki Minaj.”

“You know she and Clint are pretty much a thing, right?”

“Hey, a guy can dream. And it’s not even sexy. It’s just hilarious.”

“I don’t doubt that. But she could break you like a twig.”

“Dude, I know. She low key scares the shit out of me.”

The pair laughed and compared stories about Natasha being both terrifying and awesome. At some point, Clint came home (from hanging out with her) and added his experiences to the conversation. After about an hour they were all laughing and couldn’t believe that someone so small could be so scary.

“She fucking took that dude down in thirty seconds flat,” Sam explained.

“But that was justified,” Steve chipped in. “If anyone’s being that sexist, and about Natasha especially, she has the right to beat the hell out of him. He totally had it coming.”

As Clint launched into another story, Steve sat back and appreciated where he’d gotten in life. He was glad to finally have a place to stay with people that he could relate to so well. Even if they scared the living shit out of him.

***

One thing Steve and Bucky were good at was avoiding sleep at all costs. They would stay up entertaining their neighbors all night, watching Netflix, or simply talking. Even the threat of early morning rehearsal couldn’t stop Steve from engaging in shenanigans with his roommate.

On a calmer night than usual, Steve and Bucky had chosen to watch a TV show. More specifically, Bucky had chosen to watch a TV show and had forced Steve to join him. Bucky was notorious for forcing Steve to watch any show that he believed was quality. At that point, they were in the middle of some anime that had “Fruit” in the name. Steve pretended that he didn’t really care about the characters, he wasn’t a big anime person to begin with, but even he couldn’t ignore the quality of the show. He knew he had to be up early for band, but he couldn’t pull himself away.

Bucky wasn’t all that interested in anime either, but he told Steve that ‘everyone on this planet needs to watch Fruits Basket.’ And Steve was glad that he was being forced to do so.

The thing that sucked when they watched the show was the commercials. There were at least four commercials every five minutes, which made watching one episode a two hour ordeal. At first, it was terrible and they tried their hardest to find a way around watching the same five commercials constantly.

Once it was clear that they would have to suffer through, Bucky and Steve made a game out of the commercials.

“I can’t date you,” Bucky began.

“I’m from New Hampshire,” Steve continued.

“You’re a beverage,” they said in perfect unison.

It had gotten to the point that they’d seen each commercial so many times that they could recite them perfectly. They also liked to guess which one was coming up next.

“Ballet,” Steve ventured.

“Galaxy phone,” Bucky replied.

When a muscular young girl appeared on the screen, giving a monologue about believing in herself, Steve grinned cockily and Bucky pouted.

“Don’t you have to go to sleep soon?” Bucky asked during the third commercial, which turned out to be about the phone.

“Yeah, but I figured I’d finish this episode.” Bucky smiled like he knew something Steve didn’t and Steve suspected that he wasn’t going to get the correct amount of sleep he would need in the morning.

It turned out that Steve didn’t sleep after that episode because it finished on a cliff hanger. He was almost mad at Bucky for not saying anything. They watched another and Steve cursed his roommate for getting him into a show with such long episodes.

When it was finally over, Steve climbed in to his bed and tried to fall asleep, but he was running on the adrenaline of not knowing what would happen. Bucky was sitting at his desk with a small light on, presumably reading the manga on his phone.

“You know, it’s pretty unfair that you’re forcing me to watch this, but you won’t watch anything I want to watch.” Steve told his roommate.

“That’s because you don’t watch good television.”

“Excuse me, Parks and Recreation is perhaps the funniest show of the past ten years.”

“Yes, but The West Wing is long and boring.” Steve knew Bucky was just goading him on, but he couldn’t fall asleep and he figured it would be fun to push some of Bucky’s buttons.

“You know, you’re like a Doctor Who fan that skipped season one.” Bucky gasped. “How dare you.”

Steve laughed. He knew that he could get a rise out of Bucky with that one. He had spent a good week coming up with an insult that could get the effect he wanted.

“Well, you’re about as pointless as a collage of sea creatures,” Bucky returned.

Steve’s eyes shifted to the enormous collage on the wall above Bucky’s bed. He couldn’t help but laugh. The guy that had moved out of Clint’s room had cut out pictures of sea creatures from just about every magazine he had come across. He taped them all together to create a giant blue monstrosity with about 100 different animals. When he had moved, he left the collage on their wall. They all hated it and it became a game to figure out how to get rid of it.

One day, when Bucky and Steve weren’t in their room, Tony and Phil helped their neighbors move the entire thing. They taped it up on Bucky’s wall and left it there for good. When Steve and Bucky came home, they just about fell on the floor they were laughing so hard. They decided to keep it and display the atrocity proudly.

“Good one,” Steve congratulated Bucky. He sat up against his pillows and decided he wasn’t going to get any sleep that night. “Let’s see what else you’ve got.”

Bucky loved challenges, so he set down his phone and stared Steve in the eyes.

“Your favorite designer is probably Char.” Along with Fruits Basket, Bucky had gotten Steve hooked on Project Runway. They hated Char and were both extremely upset when Tim Gunn used his save on her. Bucky saying that was a low blow.

“You’re a Pepsi product,” Steve used his secret weapon, their shared hatred that they lived on a Pepsi only campus. Bucky looked taken aback. It was the first time Steve had ever seen him speechless.

“Okay, you win this one,” Bucky resigned. “But I like this game. What else can we come up with?”

“Pick-up lines?”

“YES.” Bucky was one of the smoothest people Steve knew so he was excited to see the things he could come up with.

“But nothing that you’ve already heard. They have to be original.”

“Deal,” Bucky was so excited his voice cracked a little bit. “I like watching you so much that Fox would probably cancel you.”

Steve couldn’t contain his laughter. Of course Bucky wouldn’t go for smooth, he’d go for nerdy.

“I love you more than Geoff’s grilled cheese,” he fought back with, his mouth watering with the thought of their favorite dining hall food.

“I’m harder than reselling a textbook,” Bucky responded almost immediately.

“You’re like a stress-ball. I only play with you when I’m bored.”

“Rude. Also, that’s not a pick-up line. So I win.” “Fine, but you have to admit that last one was funny.”

Bucky smiled. “It was. Belongs more in the insult category, though.”

“I’ll give you that.”

“Oh! I have one! You’re like an essay. I don’t want to do you, but you need to be finished somehow.” Bucky beamed.

“What are we doing?” Steve laughed.

“I don’t know but it’s fun.”

They continued throwing insults and pick-up lines at each other until they were laughing so hard they couldn’t breathe. Bucky checked the time and laughed even harder.

“Steve, you need to be up for rehearsal in three hours.”

Steve looked at his phone. He joined his roommate’s laughter.

“I might as well just stay up the rest of the time. I can nap before the game.”

Bucky debated for a bit, and then decided to take Steve at his word. Steve climbed down from his bed and took a seat at his desk. They talked about everything they could think about, never losing the smiles that were plastered on their faces. Steve loved watching Bucky laugh.

If Bucky really enjoyed something Steve said, he threw his head back and his whole body shook. The sides of his eyes crinkled up when he smiled and Steve was obsessed with the way Bucky’s eyes shone when he was happy. Steve knew he was letting himself focus too much on the tiny details about his best friend, but he didn’t care. He was around Bucky more than anyone else and he was bound to notice things that he enjoyed. It wasn’t anything he needed to worry about.

They didn’t realize how long they had been talking until they saw the sun rising.

“Everyone always raves about DC sunsets, but I really love our sunrises,” Bucky mentioned as they were both looking out the window. Steve nodded. They ended their all-nighter by watching the sun rise in silence. When it was high enough to light up their room, Steve got out of bed and began getting ready for band.

“Go to sleep, Bucky. I can wake you up when I get back.” He turned around to look at his roommate and saw that Bucky had already fallen fast asleep.

“Sleepy idiot,” Steve mumbled to himself. He grabbed his trombone and stole one more glance at Bucky before he left.


	6. Chapter 6

Steve was hanging out Natasha’s room when he heard the news. Natasha had invited a bunch of people over to watch some dumb movie she loved, but there was free food so a bunch of people showed up. Bucky and Steve had decided to go mostly to get free food, but also because a lot of their friends were going to be there. They were sitting with Clint and Maria, and Bucky was explaining the rules of quidditch.

More and more people were trickling in and there was soon to be no sitting space. Steve was surprised that Natasha knew so many people well enough to invite them to her room. A group of people walked in that Steve had never seen before. They sat close to the TV and didn’t really talk to anyone outside of each other. Steve decided not to many any attention to them and instead talked to the people he did know.

Natasha got the room to quiet down and introduced everyone. Before she started the movie, she said she wanted to introduce all the people she knew because everyone was getting a little too clingy to the six people they all knew from their dorm. When she got to the group of people that were obviously new to everyone else, she explained that she had met them through some club she was involved in. Steve only heard something about a shield.

The girl she introduced as Daisy said they also knew Phil. It took everyone a second to understand who she was talking about, though, because she had called him ‘Coulson’.

“He lives with Bucky and me,” Steve told her from across the room, pointing to Bucky when he said his name.

“Not for long, from what I’ve heard,” she replied.

“Excuse me?”

The room fell silent.

“Wait, are you Tony?” she asked timidly.

“No, I’m Steve.”

“Oh good. We’re not allowed to tell Tony that he’s moving out. Although it’s probably not great that I told you.”

Steve was speechless. It seemed like everyone else felt similarly. The only person that was still talking was Daisy.

“… I mean, technically, it’s okay that I told you. Coulson isn’t moving out because of you guys. He really likes you guys. Especially Steve. Steve, he tells us about you all the time. If I didn’t know that he isn’t into guys, I’d say he has a pretty big crush on you. But of course that isn’t true. Someone else please say something!”

One of the other guys in her group went onto explain that Phil didn’t actually hate any of his roommates. He just didn’t feel comfortable living in the same room as Tony anymore.

“We really should let Coulson explain this to you guys,” Daisy told them.

“Well, apparently he wasn’t going to say anything on his own!” Bucky had stood up furiously. Steve grabbed his arm and tried to calm him down.

“Buck, it’s not our place to get angry.”

“No! I’m allowed to be angry that our suitemate was going to move out without saying anything to us!”

“He was going to tell you guys!” Daisy shouted. “We only found out a couple of days ago. It don’t even think he’s talked to his RA yet.”

That calmed Bucky down a little bit. He sat back down next to Steve and lost himself in thought. Steve was secretly fuming, but he knew that he needed to keep Bucky under control. He didn’t need Natasha getting a bad reputation with the new people.

The rest of the night went off without a hitch, save the anger that was bubbling in Steve. One glance at Bucky and he knew he wasn’t alone. The apologetic glances they were getting from everyone else in the room didn’t help much.

Steve didn’t remember the movie very well. He was texting Bucky throughout most of it. They didn’t want to be rude and leave Natasha’s party just because they had gotten some bad news. But they also needed to discuss said news as soon as possible. They decided that they should hold off on talking to Phil about it, just in case he was planning on letting them know. It wasn’t fair to attack him with questions about something they weren’t even supposed to know about.

When the movie ended, Steve and Bucky stayed an appropriate amount of time, discussing the movie and talking about whatever Natasha thought to bring up. After half an hour, they excused themselves and made their way down the hall to their room.

As soon as they made sure neither of their suitemates were home, Bucky erupted.

“I can’t believe he’s going to move out!”

“I know! What is so terrible about living with Tony that he can’t stand it?”

“They seem to be pretty close. Hell, they have matching bedspreads!”

“I can’t figure it out,” Steve was pacing.

The boys sat down on their respective beds.

“Do you think he’ll tell us about moving out?” Bucky asked.

“I hope so. Phil is a good guy. I don’t think he’d just leave without at least letting us know.”

They heard the door to the living room open and immediately stopped talking. Bucky grabbed his phone and Steve grabbed the closest book. They made themselves look busy when they heard a knock on their bedroom door. Tony peeked his head in.

“How was Natasha’s?” he asked.

Steve and Bucky made hand gestures and various noises.

“That good, huh?” Tony laughed. “Listen, I’m going to bed early so try to keep your sex to a minimum noise level.”

“Because we’re the ones in this suite that are having the noisy sex,” Bucky’s voice dripped with sarcasm.

“Hey, I don’t judge. All I ask is that you do the same.”

They said goodnight and Tony left their room.

“It’s the sex,” Bucky decided.

“Definitely the sex,” Steve agreed.

***

In the morning, Steve had completely forgotten the information he had learned the night before. He got out of bed, completed his morning routine, and was about to head out to class when he almost ran into Phil in the living room.

“Hey, man. I didn’t see you there,” Steve told Phil. As he looked the smaller boy in the eye, the previous night all came rushing back to him. He felt a rush of anger, then remembered that he and Bucky had decided to give their soon to be ex-roommate the benefit of the doubt.

“You’re fine. It was my fault anyway,” Phil responded. As Steve made a motion to walk away, Phil stopped him. “Hey, when are you and Bucky both free tonight? I need to talk to both of you guys about something.”

Steve guessed that he had talked to their RA and that everything was settled for him to move out. He was extremely curious to see how Phil explained the reasons for his wanting to move out. Steve almost asked him about it then and there, but he held his tongue. It wouldn’t be respectful to his friend to bombard with something he believed that Steve didn’t even know about.

Plus Bucky would totally kill him for doing it without him.

“I think Buck gets out of class around 3 and I’m done with band at 5:30. Maybe we could talk before we all go to dinner?”

Phil took a second to think it through. “I guess that works, but I kind of wanted to talk to you two before I talked to Tony.”

“Oh, totally. Bucky doesn’t have quidditch tonight so you can just walk in while we’re doing our homework.”

“Thanks. I really appreciate you, Steve,” Phil smiled and walked into his bedroom.

Steve wasn’t sure what to think. He knew that Phil was a good guy and wouldn’t be leaving without good reason. He hoped that there weren’t going to be any hard feelings, because he really enjoyed the presence of the guy. Steve also wondered where he’d be moving. There weren’t many open beds in their building. And other than the fancy honors dorm, they had chosen the best place to live. He checked his phone and realized he was running five minutes late. He pushed the problem to the back of his brain and rushed off to class.


	7. Chapter 7

“Once you distribute the factors, it’s pretty self-explanatory from there,” Steve had a classmate over from his algebra class. Correction, his required algebra class. Steve hated it because he knew he was too smart to be there. He was redoing math he had learned in sixth grade and he hated himself every day for not taking more AP math classes.

“Okay, but what do these parentheses mean?” Steve sighed. He knew that he was helping this girl learn things that her high school had apparently failed to teach her. However, he still felt like pulling his hair out.

Bucky walked in and noticed the girl. He introduced himself and laughed at Steve’s sighs of exasperation. Bucky was more adept at math than Steve was, but he knew that the poor kid hated teaching other people things.

Once the girl had finished asking all the questions she had saved up, she closed her book and smiled at Steve.

“So, what are you doing tomorrow night, Steve?” she asked. She was leaning in and obviously trying to make her breasts look bigger than they were.

“Umm, I, uhh…” Steve trailed off, his cheeks turning pink.

Steve glanced to Bucky, searching for help. He’d talked about the “unintelligent girl from math” and hoped to god that Bucky made the connection. Bucky locked eyes with him and nodded slightly.

“He’s going to be busy taking me out on a date. Then we’re going to have some hot gay sex. You’re welcome to join, if you’d like.” Bucky was an expert at being too vulgar for his own—or anyone else’s—good.

Unintelligent math girl gasped, and looked at Bucky like he had grown two heads. Bucky simply grinned and maintained perfect eye contact.

“He’s just kidding,” Steve assured her, his voice cracking. “But I actually do have plans tomorrow. I’m sorry. I’ll see you in class on Wednesday!”

With that, he ushered her out the door and shot Bucky the dirtiest look he could muster.

“Be mad at me all you want,” Bucky folded his arms and leaned against the doorframe. "But if it weren’t for me, you’d be having the most boring date of your life tomorrow night.”

“I would have found a way to tell her I wasn’t interested.”

“Please! You couldn’t turn down Lucifer if he politely asked you out!”

Steve nearly tackled Bucky into his bed, but the shorter boy was saved by a knock at their door. Phil walked in wearing a serious look on his face.

“Hey guys,” he began. “Do you have some time to talk?”

They both nodded and took a seat. Phil started pacing.

“So you’ve probably noticed that I haven’t been home a lot recently. You’ve also probably noticed that I’ve taken down most of my decorations.”

If Steve was being honest, he hadn’t noticed the things Phil mentioned. But he knew by the tone of Phil’s voice what he was about to say.

“Even if you haven’t noticed, I’d feel pretty bad if I didn’t give you guys a proper heads up,” Phil paused and took a deep breath. “I’m going to be moving out soon.”

Steve and Bucky looked at each other, then back at Phil and feigned surprise.

“Why?” Bucky asked. Even Steve couldn’t tell that he was lying.

“Yeah, is everything okay?” Steve added.

“Everything is fine. I’m fine!” Phil assured them. “I just don’t feel comfortable living here anymore. You guys have been amazing and I don’t want to leave you. But I overestimated how well I’d be able to handle Tony in college. We weren’t all that close in high school, so what I knew about him came from others. They told me that it would work out, but I really don’t think it did.”

Phil paused, scrunching his eyes together.

“He’s a lot to handle, and I know that. But that also makes for a difficult living space. I enjoy his friendship a lot, I just don’t think it was a good idea for us to live together.”

“It’s the sex, isn’t it?” Bucky, blunt and to the point.

“Yeah, kind of,” Phil rubbed the back of his neck. “I don’t care that he’s having fun. He deserves to do whatever he wants to do, and I’m not going to judge him for having a good time. But it’s gotten to the point where, more often than not, I come home to a sock on the door handle. I mean, how much sex can you have in a lofted bed before it just breaks in half?”

“I’ll bet you any amount of money that Tony has made it his goal to break that bed,” Steve offered. “But we’re sad to see you go! Where do you think you’ll move?”

“Umm, actually Clint offered for me to move in with him,” Phil seemed ashamed of his answer.

“Are you kidding me, dude? That’s so cool!” Bucky exclaimed. “I thought we weren’t going to see you anymore!” Steve nodded his agreement and Phil brightened.

“Thanks for being so supportive, guys. I just wish I didn’t have to talk to Tony about this. It kind of makes for an awkward conversation.”

“I’ll give you that,” Steve agreed. “But let us know if we can do anything to help. Do you know exactly what day you’ll be moving out?”

“Not yet, although the RAs made it seem like it would pretty soon.”

“Well, like Steve said, let us know if you need help with anything. Especially on moving day.”

Phil nodded and thanked them again. He got up to leave and the boys let him.

“Oh, hey, one last thing,” Steve called after him. “Maybe buy Tony something techy and interesting to play with while you tell him about this.” Phil smiled and said he’d think about the suggestion.

After he left, Bucky turned to Steve and asked what he thought.

“Like I said, I don’t think Phil is a bad guy. And he’s doing what makes sense for him. This living space isn’t comfortable for him anymore and he’s doing what he can to keep his life healthy.”

“I know, I just feel pretty bad for Tony,” Bucky mused. “I feel like Phil could have at least tried to talk it out with him before deciding to completely remove himself from the situation.”

“Phil doesn’t really strike me as the talking type. He’s more of an act first, talk about it later kind of guy.”

“That’s true. Hey, do you think that Ward guy will help him out when he moves?” Bucky ventured a question to change the subject slightly.

“I don’t know, maybe. Why?”

“I wouldn’t mind watching him lift some boxes.”

Steve felt a familiar pang in his gut, but brushed it off. “You know, I agree. His jawline looked like it could cut glass.”

“And his stubble just enhanced that scruffy, too hot to care about your problems look.”

This was uncharted territory with Bucky and Steve wasn’t sure how he felt. On one hand, it felt great to finally have someone to talk to about how attractive he found the guys in his life. On the other hand, this was Bucky. Steve felt like he shouldn’t be discussing such things with his best friend.

“You know, I still kind of feel bad for Tony,” Bucky said.

“Same. We should do something nice for him when he finds out.”

The boys returned to their bedroom and let Phil decide how to deal with telling his roommate that he was leaving.


	8. Chapter 8

_Steve was on a ship. He didn’t understand how he had ended up there, but he followed the mass of people that were heading down to the bowels of the boat. He went as fast as he could, but people were pushing and shoving past him. He tripped on the edge of a stair and ended up being trampled by about a dozen people before he righted himself._

_He quickly stood up and fell into step with the rest of the people around him. His body was the size he was used to, big and muscly, but he felt like a child. All around him were people he thought he recognized but their faces weren’t the one he was searching for._

_“Mommy!” he heard himself cry out. His voice came out high-pitched and squeaky, not at all what he was used to. Suddenly, he felt arms around his shoulders and he was being directed down the stairs._

_He and whomever had steered him down reached the bottom off the stairs. He turned around to see his mother with tears running down her cheeks. He didn’t understand what was happening, but when he heard explosions, his hands immediately went to cover his ears. Steve’s mother wrapped her arms around him and he couldn’t stop the steady stream of tears and the cries that escaped his mouth_.

Steve woke up to shouting. He wasn’t sure where it was coming from, but he did know that there were arms around his shoulders. He shakily remembered his dream and realized that the arms he had felt didn’t belong to his mother. He turned his head a bit to the left and met eyes with Bucky.

Bucky looked concerned to say the least. His eyes were filling with tears and fear and, even though Steve had woken up, Bucky kept his arms wrapped around the shoulders of his best friend.

“I think you were having a nightmare,” Bucky whispered, keeping a wary look in his eyes. Steve shrugged out of his friend’s embrace, choosing to ignore how warm it made him feel.

“Yeah, that happens sometimes.”

“Are,” Bucky looked like he didn’t know what to say. “Are you okay?”

Steve nodded, then cocked his head to the side when the shouting resumed in the room adjacent to theirs.

“Phil told Tony,” Bucky told Steve, answering his silent question.

Steve looked at Bucky for a good minute before realizing that his best friend had essentially cuddled Steve through his nightmare. He felt blood rush to his cheeks and looked away from Bucky. For his part, Bucky seemed just as thrown off as Steve did. They were both still sitting in the same bed, their knees brushing occasionally.

“Thanks,” Steve mumbled and moved to stand up. Bucky put his arm on Steve’s shoulder, stopping him from leaving the bed.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

Steve nodded again, not really sure if he meant it. Bucky could tell that his friend was a little shaken up. He moved the hand that was already on Steve’s shoulder around his back and enveloped Steve in a hug.

Steve and Bucky had hugged before, but this time felt different. Steve was wary at first, but then let himself dissolve into Bucky’s embrace. He lowered his head onto Bucky’s shoulder and let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding in. Bucky’s arms seemed to comfort him like no one else’s had in a while. Steve let himself breathe in Bucky’s scent and began to associate it with comfort.

The boys stayed like that for a few minutes, before Steve felt well enough to pull away.

“Thank you so much, Bucky.”

“Of course. Do you want to talk about it?”

Steve knew that he had been holding a lot of information from Bucky. It wasn’t like he hadn’t shared, he had. There was just a lot about his life that Steve didn’t feel comfortable talking about. He was sure that Bucky would be understanding and supportive whenever Steve made the decision to talk about it, but he still hadn’t reached that point.

“Later,” Steve promised and Bucky knew he meant it. “For now, we should probably do some damage control.”

The two boys got out of bed and ventured out into the living room. Tony had grown silent and they knew nothing good could come out of that. He was either tinkering around with something, or he was plotting. Steve and Bucky were betting it was the latter.

Phil was pacing, like he did when he was nervous. He seemed to be trying to think of something to say that would diffuse the situation. Surrounding his feet were boxes haphazardly packed. Steve could see that Phil had chosen the day before he was moving to tell Tony. It was kind of a dick move, and he didn’t really blame Tony for getting angry.

“Listen, Tony, I still want to be friends. I know that us living together didn’t work out, and I’m not really leaving on the best of terms, but I really do like being your friend.” Phil was desperately trying to calm Tony down, but Tony continued his silence.

Bucky and Steve slowly walked in from the living room and asked if there was anything they could do.

“Did you guys know about this?” Tony yelled, blatantly ignoring Phil’s pleas.

“Phil told us a few days ago,” Steve offered, knowing it would only anger Tony more. He didn’t want to hurt his friend but he also wouldn’t lie to him.

“You fuckers! You knew this whole time and you didn’t say anything to me?!” Tony had stood up. His face was growing red with anger, and Steve knew that he didn’t want to be anywhere around when Tony finally blew up.

“It wasn’t their choice,” Phil tried to make amends for his suitemates. “I asked them not to say anyth—“

“You shut up!” Tony yelled. “I didn’t ask you!”

Phil was losing patience with Tony, and Steve could see anger bubbling inside him as well.

“Listen, Tony, why don’t we go get breakfast or something. Get out of this room and into some fresh air,” Bucky said, grabbing Tony’s coat and keys.

“Fuck all of you,” Tony spat. He grabbed his things from Bucky and stormed out. They heard the living room door slam and knew that Tony wouldn’t be back for a few hours.

“I knew he was going to be angry, but I never expected that,” Phil murmured.

“Tony is really big on liking the ways things are. He doesn’t like change. No offense, but you kind of sprang this on him,” Bucky offered.

“Plus he gets really defensive about his sex life and hates when people judge him for letting off some steam. He probably felt both attacked and lost at once,” Steve added. “We all know that Tony doesn’t deal well with emotions. In hindsight, it would have been better to talk to us all at once. But hindsight is always 20/20.”

Bucky rolled his eyes at Steve’s cliché, then turned to Phil. “Tony knows that you care about him. And he’s a good person. He’ll come around. We’ll help him. But for the time being, I think it would be best if you didn’t try to patch your relationship.”

Steve agreed. “We’ll help you move out. But after that, it’s really up to Tony to reach out to you. It has to be on his terms, or else you guys will never be friends again.”

Phil thanked his friends and they got to work packing up the rest of his things.

“You know that we’re still your friends, and we’ll be here for you,” Bucky told Phil. Phil nodded and thanked them again.

About an hour later, Steve got a text from Bruce saying he found Tony wandering through campus. Apparently, Tony had found some booze and was carrying it around with him as he drunkenly hit on anyone that walked past him. Bruce had thankfully found him before anyone had called the police. He took Tony back to his dorm. Almost immediately, Tony fell asleep on his bed. Bruce assured Steve that Tony could stay the night and Steve thanked him for being such a good friend and person.


	9. Chapter 9

The next morning, Steve and Bucky woke up to help Phil move out. However, when they walked into the other bedroom, they found half of the room perfectly empty other than a piece of paper on the desk that formerly belonged to Phil.

“How did we sleep through a bunch of people moving shit out of our dorm?” Bucky asked, bewildered.

“I mean, I can see you sleeping through it, but how did I?” Bucky punched Steve in the shoulder and went to pick up the note. They noticed that Tony still hadn’t come back from Bruce’s.

“It’s a note from Phil,” Bucky handed the piece of paper to Steve.

_Steve and Bucky,_

_I’m sorry I had to leave like this. I know that you guys would have helped me move, but I couldn’t let that happen. You guys need to be here for Tony for the next few weeks. If he found out that you had helped me, he’d never accept your advances at friendship._

_Tony is a great guy and I don’t want to leave him on the terms we are. I really wish I could stay, but I need to do this for myself. I’ve loved living with you three and I hope we can still be friends. Please forgive me for doing this, but I had to get out as soon as could._

_Please give Tony the folded note attached to this one. I know he won’t talk to me in person, but there are things he needs to know. Thank you again, and I hope we can stay friends in the future._

_-Phil Coulson_

“What the hell?”

“What?”

“It’s not like he’s leaving the country,” Bucky pointed out. “He’s moving across the hall. It’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think?”

Steve shrugged. “Phil is a dramatic guy.”

Bucky pulled off the folded note that Phil had mentioned and placed it on Tony’s desk. Steve and Bucky realized that, since Phil had already moved out, they didn’t have anything to do that day.

“Want to watch a movie?” Steve offered.

Bucky nodded and went to pick out a few for them to choose from.

Halfway through _Citizen Kane_ , Steve heard the living room door open. When he heard fumbling around and frustrated mumbling, he figured the Tony had finally made his way home. Steve and Bucky paused their movie and went to assess the damage that had been done.

To his credit, Tony didn’t look half as bad as Steve had expected. It was obvious that Tony had been drinking, but he looked pretty much over the effects of whatever had been in his system.

“Is he gone?” Tony asked when he saw his roommates emerging from their bedroom.

Bucky nodded and Steve made a move to console their friend. Tony quickly moved away from Steve’s outstretched arm.

“I’m still pissed at you guys,” he mumbled and made his way into his bedroom. Tony was obviously shocked at the lack of belongings on half of the room. Steve and Bucky didn’t know how to help, but they didn’t want their friend going through it alone.

Tony had lost his roommate, but Steve and Bucky had also lost their suitemate. They might not have had the same kind of difficulty that Tony did, but it would be a similar healing process.

“Listen, I’m not a pussy and I will not cry about this. I don’t want you two looking at me with pity. It’s not a big deal.” Tony’s eyes were tearing up as he talked, but Steve refrained from mentioning anything. Tony had his own process of dealing with problems, and it wasn’t his place to judge.

“Whatever you need, bro, we’ll be here,” Bucky told Tony. Tony smiled briefly and then ushered the other two out the door. “

I need to get ready for work,” he said while he closed the door.

Steve and Bucky walked back into their room and devised a plan.

***

When Tony left for work, they made sure his bedroom door was unlocked. They snuck in with posters and lights to decorate Tony’s room. Technically, there wasn’t allowed to be anything on the side of the room that Phil had left, but Steve and Bucky really didn’t care about that rule. They strung lights up around the entire room, hung classic rock posters that they had bought Tony for Christmas all around his bed, and stuck little sarcastic comments praising Tony on the door.

“Your moustache looks like it was grown by the lead singer of a 1990s rock band,” Bucky read Steve’s note aloud. “Nice. Very Tony.”

The boys decorated the entire room, essentially making it look like Phil had never been there. It took them a good two hours to create the desired look of the room. They had a few hours to kill before Tony got home, so they finished the movie they had been watching.

“What if we make movie nights a thing?” Bucky suggested as the credits started to roll. “Like once a week, we all watch one or two movies together, to help Tony get through this…”

Steve thought about it. Tony would probably scoff at the idea, then come back into the room suggesting all sorts of movies they should watch. “That’s a good idea, Buck. We could start it today.”

They quickly deliberated over what movie they should watch and eventually landed on Pacific Rim.

“Tony will love pointing out flaws in mechanical design,” Bucky pointed out. The boys decided that they would take it a step further than just a regular movie night.

An hour before Tony was going to be home, Steve and Bucky moved their TV and their DVD player into the living room. They set it up so that the movie was ready to play as soon as Tony walked in the door.

They also brought out just about every pillow and blanket they both owned. Using the couch and the arm chair as bases, they began to build a fort. Pillows were stacked and blankets were draped until they were satisfied with what they had made.

“This is probably the best fort I’ve ever laid eyes on,” Bucky remarked. Steve agreed and they climbed in to test its durability.

Steve knew that the fit was going to be tight. Both he and Bucky were almost fully grown, and they weren’t small for their age. He knew that fitting three college sized boys into a fort wouldn’t be easy, but he wasn’t expecting it to be as small as it was.

Bucky climbed in first and Steve followed. What he found when he got inside, was that there was no way the fort could also fit Tony. Bucky was laying down, trying to make as much room for Steve as he could. Steve crawled in next to him and lied down. They couldn’t fit while both of them were on their backs, so they compromised and shifted to their sides, facing each other.

They laughed about how their fort looked amazing, but didn’t function very well for its purpose. Steve pointed out that they couldn’t even see the TV from where they were positioned, and Bucky laughed about their many design flaws.

“I can’t believe we thought this would actually work,” Steve remarked.

“It’s a pretty damn good fort, even with all the things that are wrong with it,” Bucky replied, laughing the whole time.

Steve joined him and soon both boys were laughing so hard they could barely breathe. Their close proximity made it difficult for them not to brush up against each other every few seconds. They soon calmed down from the laughter and simply looked at each other.

Steve was beyond happy about the situation they were currently in. He felt extremely safe and he knew that Bucky felt the same way. Bucky was smiling, his eyes lit up by laughter. Steve wanted nothing more than to simply lie there, talking to his best friend for the rest of his life.

Except, they weren’t talking. They seemed to have mastered the art of comfortable silence because Steve didn’t feel awkward at all. He looked into Bucky’s eyes and understood that their friendship had grown so much in just a few months.

Steve thought back to earlier that morning, waking up in Bucky’s arms. Rather than feeling ashamed, he felt comforted. He didn’t understand what he was feeling, but he knew that Bucky made him feel more comfortable than anyone had in a long time.

The whole time Steve was thinking through his feelings toward Bucky, he was watching his best friend’s face. There was pure joy and childlike innocence in the way that Bucky looked at him. Steve loved it. He was about to open his mouth to make another joke about their fort when he swore he saw Bucky’s gaze slip down to his lips.

The action lasted less than a second, and Steve wasn’t even sure if it had actually happened. The air around them changed instantly and Steve felt his stomach do somersaults. Their eye contact had a new meaning to it and Steve felt light-headed and completely out of control of his body. He felt himself lean in just a tad toward Bucky. He was sure that he wanted to kiss his best friend. Their eyes were locked and he could feel Bucky leaning in the same way. Their lips were almost when touching when the door flew open.

Steve instantly pulled away from his best friend, and Bucky blinked a few times in disbelief. Steve decided to deal with what had just happened at a later point, and put Tony at the top of his list. He plastered a polite smile onto his face and Bucky did the same.

“What the hell is this?” Tony asked as he saw Steve climb out from underneath the blankets.

“We made a fort!” Bucky said excitedly as he followed Steve. “We’re going to need to fix it, though, because you can’t really see the movie from inside.” Steve could feel Bucky’s eyes on him.

“Movie…?”

“We’re starting a tradition today. Once a week, we’re all going to drop our responsibilities for a few hours and watch movies together,” Steve explained. He couldn’t look at Bucky. He had no idea what had just happened.

Tony looked completely lost, and headed toward his bedroom. When he opened the door, he let out a gasp. Steve had made sure to plug in the lights before they built the fort, so that Tony would be able to see the full effect when he walked in.

“What the hell…” Tony mumbled. He spun around to take in everything that had changed. He walked over to one of the posters they had put up, and touched it as if he didn’t believe it was there.

Steve’s brain was running a mile a minute. Had he imagined it? Was Bucky actually going to kiss him? Was he actually going to kiss Bucky? Since when was that a thing?

“How, who, what?” Tony was sputtering and Steve took pity.

“We figured that it would be pretty shitty living in here with half the room empty, so we wanted to make it feel more like a place you could be comfortable.” Steve knew that Tony wasn’t one for physical contact so when Tony threw his arms around both him and Bucky, he didn’t know how to react.

“Thank you, guys,” Tony nearly whispered. “Thank you so much.” e pulled away and Steve and Bucky left him alone to enjoy the new decorations. Steve glanced at Bucky to see if he was going to say anything about what had happened in the fort. Bucky seemed to be concentrated on something on the floor, avoiding Steve’s gaze.

Tony, oblivious to what was happening between his suitemates, followed soon after. The three of them remade the fort to be more conducive to movie watching. Steve finally caught Bucky’s eye and smiled. Bucky hesitantly smiled back and some of the tension melted away.

When the movie started playing, Tony let out an aggravated breath.

“There’s so many inaccuracies in this movie,” he began. Steve cut him off and smiled slyly at Bucky. Bucky returned the grin and then focused on the movie.

“Wait!” Tony paused it before it could get too far into the story. “We need snacks!”

Steve exchanged a glance with Bucky. He couldn’t believe they had forgotten snacks. “There’s the tiny convenience store downstairs,” he mentioned. Tony jumped up, grabbed his ID and told the other two that he would be right back.

Steve and Bucky were left in silence, neither of them knowing exactly how to act.

“I think he’s happy with what we did for him,” Bucky ventured. Steve nodded and knew that neither of them were ready to discuss what had—or hadn’t—happened just 20 minutes earlier.

“I’m glad he is. Hopefully this will lessen the sting of Phil leaving.”

They made small talk until Tony came back. He was carrying two grocery bags that they discovered to have chips and queso, and a shit ton of soda.

“This was the best I could come up with,” Tony explained. “They don’t have a hell of a lot to choose from down there.”

Bucky laughed and Steve joined him. Tony set down the food and they resumed watching the movie.

Steve wasn’t sure how he felt about what had happened with Bucky. He knew that he would eventually have to deal with the repercussions of almost kissing his best friend, but he figured that could wait until another time. He wasn’t ready to sort through what it meant for him, or what it meant for their friendship.

He pushed all of his anxious thoughts to the back of his mind and let himself enjoy the movie with his roommates. The chips and queso weren’t too bad either.


	10. Chapter 10

The first time Steve decided to join Sam on his morning run, Sam seemed extremely surprised.

“Bro, I thought you were too busy to go running with me?” Sam asked when Steve told him he wanted to start running with him.

“I never said that, I said I didn’t want to embarrass you.”

“Whatever, the point is, you said you couldn’t. What’s with the sudden change of heart?”

Steve couldn’t tell Sam the truth. Well, he could but that would open up a discussion of so many other things that Steve wasn’t ready to talk about. Sam was a good friend, but Steve couldn’t face the fact that there was something to talk about. That he had wanted to kiss Bucky and that he probably would have if Tony hadn’t walked in.

Steve really wasn’t ready to face the fact that he might have feelings for his best friend.

“I realized that working out with someone else might motivate me more,” he explained half-heartedly. Sam nodded and let the issue drop.

“Okay, so I run a lap around campus every morning at 5, do you think you could keep up with me?”

“Of course I can. I just worry that you will feel inadequate when I run two laps and pass you on the way.”

Steve and Sam fell into their casual banter over who is more physical active and Steve felt some of his tension melt away. He agreed to meet up with Sam at 4:30 the next morning.

***

“On your left,” Steve casually breathed as he passed Sam for the second time that morning. It turned out that Sam was a surprisingly slow runner and, by the time he would complete his lap, Steve could complete three. It was no doubt that Steve was the better runner, and he loved to annoy Sam with that information.

“Argh!” Sam grunted as he sprinted to keep up with Steve. “Would you stop fucking saying that?!” Steve laughed and slowed down a tad to let his friend catch up to him.

“How the fuck can you run so fast?” Sam asked when he caught up.

“I’m not running fast, you just run extremely slowly.” He huffed out a laugh when Sam took a swing at him.

“Fuck you,” Sam said under his breath. Steve took that as a sign to speed up and leave Sam trailing behind him.

“No—fuck, I…” Steve heard Sam trail off as he undoubtedly resigned to keep his current pace. Steve continued his run and waited in the rec center locker room for Sam.

“I am never letting you join me again,” Sam huffed out when he finally walked in. He had a scowl on his face that was only half serious.

“It’s your fault that you can’t keep up with me,” Steve laughed at his friend. Sam rolled his eyes and began to pack up his stuff.

“Listen, you can stay and shower here, but I prefer to go back to the dorm. Believe it or not, the water pressure is much better there.” Sam grabbed his bag and started walking out. Steve threw his stuff in his duffel and followed his friend out the door.

“Are you sure there’s not a reason that you decided to start running with me?” Sam carefully asked Steve.

Steve thought for a few moments. It would be pretty easy to come out to Sam at this point, both literally and figuratively. Steve had yet to tell his second closest friend that he was bisexual. It wasn’t because he didn’t think Sam would be okay. He knew for a fact that Sam was extremely accepting. He had a part-time job at the counselor’s office helping the kids who just wanted someone to talk to, rather than professional help.

Steve wasn’t sure if he was comfortable talking about his sexuality with people other than Bucky. He knew he wasn’t exactly the kind of person who looked like he was into dick. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t. Steve thought it through, and then decided it was ‘now or never’.

“Okay, it’s a bit of a long story,” Steve began. Sam just looked at him expectantly, so he went on. “The first thing you need to know is that I am bisexual.”

Steve paused here because he wanted to gauge his friend’s reaction. Sam didn’t look surprised at all.

“Okay, what else?” Sam asked him. Steve was once again grateful that his audience had not made a big deal over his coming out.

He smiled and continued with his story. “Okay, well something happened with a guy recently, and I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it. Long story short, we were in very close quarters and our faces ended up being about a foot away from each other. I saw his eyes flick down to my lips and he looked like he wanted to kiss me. Except, I’m not exactly sure if that actually happened or if I just imagined it.”

Steve took a breath and a drink of water. He hadn’t realized how dry his mouth had become when he started talking about what happened between him and Bucky. Sam let him take a second, and then nodded his head for Steve to continue.

“So, when I saw that happened, I kind of lost control of my body and, like, leaned in to kiss the guy. Before I could actually kiss him, though, we were interrupted and nothing happened. I see this guy every day and everything is pretty normal. We haven’t talked about it and our relationship is the same as what it was before this happened. Neither of us has mentioned it and I’m not sure if I want to.”

Sam took a deep breath and looked Steve straight in the eye. “Do you want my advice or is this simply a rant session?”

Steve didn’t realize that he had the option. He just thought that he would tell Sam the whole story and have it be over and done with.

“I guess some advice wouldn’t hurt.”

“You need to figure out if you have feelings for this guy. It seems to me that it could go either way at this point. I mean, this was a one-time occurrence, right?”

Steve nodded.

“Okay, well I think you need to take some time and really think it through. Do you want something to happen with him or did you only want to kiss him because of the situation you were in?” Sam left the questions rhetorical for Steve to think through later.

They had made their way back to the dorm over the course of the conversation. Sam swiped them in and they rode up the elevator in silence.

“Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you mind me asking who this guy is?”

Steve thought about it for a second. Sam and Bucky were friends, but he knew that he’d be able to trust Sam with sensitive information. He looked at his friend and realization dawned on Sam’s face.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” he quickly assured Steve.

“No, I want to tell you. I just don’t know if I can say it out loud.”

They had reached their doors. Steve was about to pull out his keys and say goodbye.

“Steve?” Sam said again.

“Yeah?”

“It’s Bucky isn’t it?” Sam asked carefully. Steve could tell that his friend didn’t want to step over any boundaries.

He sighed and nodded. “Yeah.”

Sam smiled softly and patted Steve on the shoulder. “Take my advice and think it through. You might be surprised with what you find out.”

Steve thanked his friend and they parted ways into their separate dorms. Steve kicked off his shoes and dropped his duffel at the foot of his bed. He checked the clock and realized he still technically had an hour until he needed to start getting ready.

He looked over to Bucky’s bed and saw his best friend sleeping soundly. Bucky snored a little bit and Steve smiled when Bucky snorted and rolled over in his sleep. Steve figured it wouldn’t hurt to think about his predicament in the shower.

He grabbed his shower caddy before stealing a quick glance at his roommate. Steve didn’t know if he had feelings for the brunette boy, but he knew there was definitely something stirring inside him that he needed to sort out.

He turned on the water and stepped in, determined to work through his thoughts before the next time he saw Sam. If Steve was being honest, it felt great to actually talk to someone about what was happening in his brain.

He was glad that he had made friends with the smooth talking psychology major across the hall, even if he did run slower than Steve’s grandmother. Sam had made him feel validated in what he was feeling, and didn’t press him to add any more details than what he was comfortable with.

As Steve shampooed his hair, he made the decision to talk to Sam about real things more often. He still hadn’t opened up about his past to anyone but Bucky, and that had been the most difficult thing he’d had to do the entire year. He let the hot water run down his back as he thought back to the time Bucky had finally broken him down.

_“Steve, I don’t mean to press, but you know a lot more about me than I know about you.” Bucky said to Steve one day when they had both been doing homework. “I mean, I’m completely fine with waiting for you to be okay to talk about it. I know that it must be really hard to open up if it’s taken you this long. But I just wanted to check up on you, see if you have made any progress in the sharing department.”_

_Steve knew that Bucky was truly interested in Steve. He was a good friend and wouldn’t press him further than he wanted to go. Steve took a moment to think about what it would mean if he told Bucky about his life. He knew that Bucky would be supportive, and that Steve didn’t really have a reason to be hiding everything from his friend._

_“You’re not out of bounds,” Steve reassured Bucky. “You’re right. I really haven’t shared anything with you. It’s not fair to you that I know so much about what makes you you, but you know next to nothing about me.”_

_Bucky was about to protest, and make Steve feel better, when Steve stopped him._

_“No, it’s time that I tell you about my life. It’s not the worst story, but it’s still pretty hard to talk about.”_

_Bucky nodded and sat down closer to Steve, making himself available for any comfort should Steve need it. Steve smiled at his friend and began telling his story._

_“So my dad was in the military. That means we moved around a lot when I was growing up. It wasn’t his fault and I don’t blame him at all. He loved serving his country and the only that made him happier than putting on his uniform was my mom and me. I’ve lived all over the US, and even in Italy for a little bit._

_“I quickly got used to not being in one place for long. I made temporary friends when we moved in, and didn’t really have trouble saying goodbye when we were relocated. I kept in touch for about a month after I moved, but the contact would eventually fall through when I made new temporary friends._

_“I’m an only child, so I didn’t have any siblings to help me through. Because of that, I grew really close with my mom. Don’t get me wrong, I still loved my dad. But he was away a lot on work and my mom stayed home with me. She was my closest friend when I was growing up.”_

_Bucky looked like he was about to cry._

_“It’s really not as sad as it sounds,” Steve told him. “I’ve never been very outgoing and I liked keeping to myself. Especially because I was so small. Even when we moved into new places, not many people wanted to be friends with the scrawny new kid. I was picked on a lot, which actually made it a lot easier to move around so much._

_“As I was growing up, I could tell that my dad felt bad about me not feeling like I belonged in one place. So he suggested that I pick a hobby that could transfer easily. I tried a few different sports, but no one wanted an asthmatic kid running around. I didn’t blame them. My body had so many things wrong with it that it would be disastrous if I ever actually tried to physically exert myself._

_“So I looked into music. I figured that, even with my asthma, I could learn how to play an instrument. I tried just about every piece of metal I could get my hands on, but somehow a trombone seemed to fit in them the best. I looked so funny, Buck. This tiny little kid carrying around an instrument case that was more than half the size of him._

_“My parents were extremely supportive. Above anything, they were glad I had found something to occupy my time other than getting in fights with every person that pissed me off just a little bit. Plus band transferred really well. As soon as I learned how to play the music, I was pretty good at picking up new stuff. It made it easier to move around, because I had something to look forward to, new and more challenging music.”_

_At this point, Bucky was leaning forward, enthralled in Steve’s story. He knew that he could say anything at this point, and Bucky wouldn’t be phased._

_“Then I got into high school. We moved to Southern Ohio in the middle of my freshman year, and my dad told me that he would try his best to stay all four years there. I’ll admit, I got my hopes up. I knew it wasn’t plausible, but I really wanted to stay in one place for high school._

_“When we moved there, I instantly made friends. Most of them were through band, but they were people that I could see myself staying friends with. I didn’t want to make them temporary, I liked them too much. So I let myself fall into a pattern with them. And for three years, my dad kept his promise to me._

_“I started to finally grow out of my body during my junior year. My asthma had toned down enough that I could work out without the risk of lung failure. I guess playing the trombone helped me get control of my breathing and know my breaking point before I got to it._

_“I went to the doctor and got some medications that calmed down my sicknesses. I hit a growth spurt, and then I suddenly had a new body. It took a while to get used to it, and I’m still not super comfortable with the looks people gave me. Not many people looked at me when I was small, so I didn’t think it was fair that they suddenly wanted to know me._

_“But there was one girl who I had always been close with. She played piccolo and we were friends almost instantly. Even when I was the scrawny trombone player that everyone laughed at, she supported me and made me feel like I was worth something.”_

_Steve had to stop for a moment, because he knew the next part was going to difficult to get through. Bucky sensed his discomfort and moved closer. He put his arm around Steve’s waist as a way to keep him grounded. Steve took a deep breath and forced himself to continue._

_“Peggy and I started going out a few months into junior year. I knew that she wasn’t just looking at me because of my body. She had always looked at me like she wanted me. Although, she told me the body was a plus. We started going steady and I fell in love with her. She was strong-willed and she knew what she wanted in life. She wasn’t afraid to let the world know what she wanted, but she also got her hands dirty and worked to the bone._

_“I honestly loved her. She was my first kiss, my first girlfriend, my first… everything. I could see myself growing old with her, but I knew that was too far in the future to plan. She loved me just as much, though, and we felt like one of the lucky couples that had the opportunity of finding each other early in life._

_“But, of course, everything had to change. My dad sat me down halfway through last year and told me that we’d be moving again. He looked heart-broken. I knew that he had done all he could to make sure we stayed at least until the end of the year, but it didn’t work._

_“I called him a lot of names and got irrationally angry. I knew it wasn’t his fault, but he was the perfect target for my anger. I ended up staying the night with Peggy for a few days, just so I could spend as much time with her as possible. Eventually, my mom came to pick me up and we moved.”_

_Steve was crying at this point. Bucky had pulled Steve’s head to his shoulder and was rubbing his back, trying to console his friend. Steve let himself cry, and finally pulled away. Bucky protested but Steve needed to finish the story._

_“Moving away from Peggy was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I really loved her, and I think a part of me always will. I know that phase of my life is over, but she meant so much to me and I will never truly be over her. We still talk, and she has a new boyfriend. We recognize that we weren’t meant to last, and I’m so happy that she found someone else._

_“We moved to Colorado to finish the school year. Two months before graduation, my dad was shipped out. It was just me and my mom. She got to see me graduate, and my dad watched a livestream from overseas. I had already decided to come to MU but I was terrified of leaving my mom alone. Especially after what happened in June…”_

_At this, an entire new batch of tears rose to Steve’s eyes and he leaned into Bucky’s shoulder again. Bucky didn’t have to ask, and he didn’t force Steve to say it. Steve had seen some counselors and talked through his father’s death, but he still wasn’t entirely over it. He still felt empty, but the help that he had received immediately after really helped him through the grieving process._

_“I’m glad that I ended up at this school,” Steve’s voice was muffled by Bucky’s shirt. He lifted his head a little bit and continued. “My dad loved DC just as much as he loved this country. He knew there were problems, but he loved it so much that he made it his life’s mission to help fix them._

_“My mom wasn’t really attached to anything in Colorado, so we moved to Maryland during the summer. I’m so glad that I didn’t have to leave her at home, although she is stronger than I give her credit for. She loves my dad and will always mourn the loss, but she knew that her main job in life was to take care of me. She got a job with the government and is now serving his memory well.”_

_Steve couldn’t make himself say anymore. He had basically made it to the end of his story, Bucky could connect the rest of the dots._

_“I’m so sorry, Stevie,” Bucky had said as he held Steve in his arms. They remained that way for a good portion of the night; Steve resting on Bucky’s shoulder, breathing in the scent he now associated with comfort, and Bucky rubbing his hand on Steve’s back soothingly, telling him that he was strong and that everything was going to be okay._

A jolt of cold water pulled Steve out of his thoughts. He didn’t realize he’d been in the shower long enough for Tony to have woken up and flushed the toilet. He washed his face from the tears that had come with the memory, and stepped out of the shower.

He was nowhere near to understanding his feelings for Bucky, but he knew that he had at least found in Bucky the comfort he’d been looking for his whole life.


	11. Chapter 11

“Steve we have to decide!” Bucky was frantic. Halloween was a week away and they hadn’t picked out their costumes yet. “We are going to your god damned band party and we need to have the best costumes there.”

Steve chuckled and let his friend freak out. He knew that there was no way they wouldn’t have their costumes figured out. They had already narrowed it down to three choices, and all three were pretty easy to recreate.

“STEVE HOW CAN YOU BE CALM RIGHT NOW?” Bucky had started throwing his entire wardrobe on the floor in hopes of finding inspiration.

Steve took a deep breath and stood up from him bed. “Bucky,” he calmly tried to get his best friend’s attention. When Bucky continued to ravage through his closet, Steve taped him on the shoulder. “Bucky!” he said with more force.

Bucky stalled his actions and looked at Steve. He was holding a t-shirt with Van Gogh’s face plastered to the front of it. Bucky’s eyes were bugging out of his head just a little and Steve rubbed his arm to bring him back to reality.

“We have a week to make these costumes, and no one is even going to be judging them,” Steve assured Bucky. “Let’s choose from the three we have it narrowed down to and then go from there.”

Bucky’s eyes had lost the glaze that had formed over them and nodded. Steve guided Bucky over to his bed and they sat down together. Steve knew that Bucky wasn’t really freaking out about their Halloween costumes, it was simply the last stressful straw that had pushed his friend into an anxiety attack.

Steve also knew that Bucky would focus on this problem until it was solved, and then move onto the next one.

“Let’s talk through our options,” he said slowly while handing Bucky a mint. “We can make Mario and Luigi costumes. All we need are green and red sweater with overalls and hats. Sam also said he has Batman and Robin costumes we can borrow from when he and his brother were trying to open an all-black superhero themed flea market. Those are easy because we don’t have to make anything. Our other option is to go as Phineas and Ferb, and carry around your Perry the Platypus stuffed animal.”

“Becca’s,” Bucky interrupted him. “Becca’s Perry the Platypus stuffed animal that she gave to me to remember her by.”

Steve laughed. “Sure, Buck. Whatever you say.” Bucky punched him in the arm.

“It’s not my fault my sister loves me and can’t bear to live without me.”

“Yeah, that’s why she doesn’t text you back.”

Steve was glad that he could help Bucky calm down from his anxiety. He felt it was his responsibility as a roommate and a best friend to know just what Bucky needs when he slips into that state of mind.

“Okay, I think we can rule out the Super Mario Brothers,” Bucky told Steve. “Neither of us look Italian enough to pull that off and I would feel like an idiot for the entire night.”

“Fair enough. So do we go superheroes or children cartoons?”

“I think we need to try on the costumes to know for sure.”

Steve went across the hall and asked Sam for the costumes. “You never did tell me which one you were.”

Steve saw a blush rise to Sam’s cheeks. “So, Robin,” he deduced.

Sam threw the costumes at Steve and basically kicked him out of his room without a word. Steve returned to Bucky, laughing at his friend.

“You’ve obviously got to be Batman,” Bucky claimed. “You’re taller and have more muscle than me and everyone will melt when you walk in wearing spandex.”

“Alright, Robin. Put on these tights.” Steve laughed when Bucky’s turned just as pink as Sam’s had. He caught the tights that Steve threw at him, and looked lost in thought.

“Maybe we shouldn’t go with this choice.”

“Hey! No backing out now. You’re the one who said we needed to try them on.”

Steve quickly texted Tony to come into their room with a camera in the next two minutes. Tony agreed instantly without any questions. Steve quickly dressed himself in the Batman costume, pulling the mask over his face just as Bucky attached the red cape to his shoulders.

Bucky was about to voice his protests about the costume when Tony burst through the door. Steve posed as he saw a myriad of flashes. He could hear Bucky swearing up a storm over Tony’s laughter.

“What the actual fuck, Tony?!” Bucky shouted.

Tony shrugged. “Steve told me to be ready to take some blackmail pictures. I was not disappointed.”

Steve couldn’t hold in his laughter as he made eye contact with his best friend. If looks could kill, Bucky would have a murder charge on his hands. His face turned from murderous to playful in one second.

“Since you already have the proof that this happened, we might as well get some good pictures,” Bucky teased. Steve was suddenly extremely conscious of the tightness in the southern region of his costume. Blurry pictures were one thing, but he wasn’t sure he wanted physical evidence of his anatomy out on the internet.

“What’s wrong, Stevie?” Bucky teased. “You suddenly self-conscious?”

Steve stuck his tongue out at Bucky. He struck a masculine pose and waited for his friend to join him. Tony was full on crying of laughter. He snapped picture after picture as Steve and Bucky switched poses. They went on for a few minutes, laughing at themselves and getting ridiculous proof of them being idiots.

When Tony finally gave up trying to capture a jumping picture, they took off the costumes.

“I think we’ve ruled out Batman and Robin,” Steve remarked as he pulled off the last bit of his tights.

“Very much so ruled out Batman and Robin,” Bucky agreed.

“So that leaves us with Phineas and Ferb.”

“I guess. Is that okay?”

“I think it’ll be funny. People either won’t know who we are, or they will freak the fuck out.”

Steve folded the superhero costumes to return to Sam later, and joined Bucky on his bed.

“We need to make a trip to the mall soon. We need to find accurate colored clothes. I will not half-ass this children’s costume.”

Steve agreed. “We also need colored hairspray. Who’s going to be whom?”

Bucky thought for a moment. “The previous observation stands. You’re taller than me, so I think you should be Ferb. Plus, everyone knows I pull all the strings in our relationship.”

“I beg to differ. You being Phineas just means you never shut the hell up.”

Bucky punched the same shoulder he had earlier. “People never believe me when I tell them you’re an asshole.”

“It’s because I’m the quiet one.”

“No, it’s because you have a heart of gold and no one can really see past those biceps.”

Steve felt heat rush to his face. He loved when Bucky complimented him, but he still wasn’t used to hearing that kind of praise. It didn’t matter who it came from, he always got embarrassed and didn’t know how to handle it.

“Relax, Steve. It’s okay to feel good about how you look. I know you don’t think that you deserve it, but you do. And everyone here knows that you’re a good person too. Some people only see you for your body, people are shitty. But the ones that matter know that you would do anything for someone you care about.” Steve made eye contact with Bucky. “Sure, your body is great. I won’t dispute that. But that’s only part of who you are. You are an amazing human being and you deserve to be recognized every now and then.”

Steve loved having Bucky in his life. Feelings or not, Bucky always knew how to make Steve feel better. Even if Steve wanted to go further than friends, he’d trust Bucky to care for him. Steve never wanted to lose Bucky. He didn’t want to threaten their friendship just to see if there was something more there.

“Steve?” Bucky pulled him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“You okay?”

Steve nodded. “I just, thank you. It really means a lot to me when you say stuff like that.”

Bucky smiled. “Well, it’s the truth. Anyway, we should probably figure out where we can find purple overalls that will fit over those giant shoulders.” Bucky pushed himself off the bed and grabbed his keys. “Field trip to the mall?”

Steve stood up and went to invite Tony.

Bucky stopped him. “Actually, do you mind if it’s just us? I love Tony, but we haven’t hung out just the two of us since Phil left. I know that we needed to help him through the transition, but I miss the times when it was just us.”

“Yeah, don’t worry about it. I’ll just go tell him that we’re going to the mall and that we can pick him up shawarma on the way home.”

Steve was kind of glad Bucky had brought up the topic before he had. He felt the same way. Tony was a great guy, and he loved hanging out with him. But he really did miss the times that he and Bucky hung out without anyone else.

***

“Oh my god! I love your costumes!” Steve was getting too drunk to deal with the seemingly never ending stream of girls that loved to shout about his and Bucky’s choice of costume. Still, he plastered a polite smile on his face and thanked them for noticing. They had worked really hard on replicating the look of the cartoon characters—minus the triangle head—and he liked that people appreciated it.

However, the same girls that screamed about his costume, were also trying their hardest to get Steve interested in them. He liked the attention, especially since his inhibitions had been lowered, but he wasn’t in the mood to hook up with a random girl at a band party.

The girls that were approaching him were usually friends of band kids that had tagged along. It seemed that all 200 band kids had shown up to the house party, and had brought at least three other friends with them.

The most recent girl that sat next to him was getting a little too handsy for Steve’s taste. When he felt her hand slowly moving up his leg, he stood up, mumbled some apology about needing to pee, and went off in search of Bucky.

He wandered around all three floors of the house until he finally saw the Phineas to his Ferb.

And when Steve found him, Bucky’s face was plastered to that of a girl in the trumpet section. Steve suddenly felt queasy. The alcohol mixed around in his stomach and he could feel vomit rising to the surface. He quickly ran down the stairs and out the door.

He threw up in the bushes on the side of the house while a couple dressed as Ellie and Carl from Up watched. It wasn’t Bucky kissing that girl that made him puke. At least, that’s what he kept telling himself. He had just mixed his alcohol in way that upset his stomach. It was a possible explanation. There had been some jungle juice, a few shots of vodka, and a blue drink he wasn’t totally sure wasn’t just straight booze.

Didn’t Bucky say he was demisexual? Didn’t he tell Steve that he needed to feel a connection with someone before he could do anything remotely sexual with them? Why was the trumpet girl higher on Bucky’s list than Steve was? Why was Steve freaking out so much? Bucky was his best friend and if he wanted to suck on the face of some girl he barely knew, that was his business. Steve pushed all of his anger and anxiety down until he could think semi-clearly.

He puked for what felt like hours. Eventually, he got enough out of his system and he felt a little bit better. The couple that had been there previously was replaced by a slutty cat with judgement in her eyes. When his eyes adjusted, Steve saw Natasha.

“Sweetie, you need to learn how to hold your liquor,” she told him, swishing her red solo cup around. “I mean, look at you. A guy your size shouldn’t be upchucking at a shitty band party.”

Steve sent her a dirty look, knowing she wasn’t serious at all. “I guess my stomach just didn’t like what was happening in there.”

She shrugged. “It seems to me that the problem was more external than internal.”

Before he could ask her what she meant, she winked and waltzed back into the party. Steve sat down on the curb and put his head between his knees. He breathed in the chilly air of the night until his head had cleared up enough to go back inside.

Steve walked up the stairs, making a point to avoid the top floor where he had found Bucky. He grabbed another cup of jungle juice and sat down on the nearest couch. He had happened to sit next to a girl that reminded him a lot of Peggy. He threw caution to the wind, and started flirting with her. When she flirted back, he saw it as an opportunity to forget about the conflicting feelings that were stirring around in his gut.

They flirted back and forth until Steve finally kissed her. She immediately kissed back. They sat there for a while, just kissing. The people around them were either extremely oblivious or too drunk to care. When Steve finally pulled away, he felt worse than he had before they had kissed. He knew he was only using the girl to forget about what had happened with Bucky. He felt extremely shitty.

“Look,” he told the girl. He hadn’t even bothered to ask for her name. “I’m not looking for anything, and I’m basically just using you. You’re really pretty and you deserve something better than someone drunkenly making out with you because someone saw his best friend kissing another person.”

She looked surprised, but not angry.

“I’m sorry that I did this. You have every reason to just slap me and walk away.” The girl shrugged.

“Nah, it’s cool. I don’t really feel anything either. Plus, now I get to tell people that I made out with Steve Rogers.”

Steve was surprised to say the least, but he let her go when she got up to leave. She turned around to face him before she left the room.

“You should probably talk to Bucky about this, before anything too horrible happens between you two.” She winked and walked away.

Did everyone know about his feelings for Bucky? Steve didn’t even know about his feelings for Bucky. Two different people had insinuated that there was something going on between them. Was it just because they were so close? It had to be. Bucky and Steve were connected at the hip. They rarely left each other’s presence. People probably thought that meant they were secretly dating. But they weren’t. That’s not what they wanted.

Or was it? Steve wasn’t sure. Obviously it wasn’t what Bucky wanted. The girl that had been attached to his best friend’s face was evidence to support that theory. But did Steve want it?

He was too drunk to be thinking so heavily. He didn’t want to think about Bucky anymore, so he got up from the couch and started to make his way home. He briefly thought the maybe should tell Bucky that he was leaving, but he decided against it. If Bucky wanted help, he could just ask the girl he’d been sucking face with.

Steve knew he was being spiteful. He really shouldn’t be treating Bucky with so much contempt, but he couldn’t help it. Steve, for his ‘kind heart’ and ‘superhero exterior’, could hold a grudge like no one else. Especially when he was intoxicated. His thoughts jumbled together and he only felt extreme anger toward his roommate.

He crawled into bed and fell asleep to the warring emotions of hatred and adoration in his brain.


	12. Chapter 12

“WAKE THE FUCK UP!” Steve was jolted awake by Bucky’s screaming. “What kind of asshole takes their best friend to a party then decides to leave them there with no warning or way to get home?!”

Steve’s head was pounding and he still couldn’t open his eyes for fear of the sun burning them out of his skull.

“Buck—”

“No! Don’t Buck me! You’re an asshole and I can’t believe you did that to me!”

“Bucky, I—”

“I don’t even want to hear what you have to say for yourself. You left me at a party with a bunch of strangers! I could have been seriously hurt!” The thought of Bucky being hurt in anyway pulled Steve out of his hangover haze.

“Oh my god, Bucky. Did someone hurt you? What the hell happened?”

“No, no one hurt me.” Steve let out a breath of relief. “But that’s not the point! You left me. Why did you leave me there?”

Steve didn’t know how to answer Bucky’s question. He could tell him the truth—that he had seen Bucky kissing a girl and immediately felt sick to his stomach. That he had made out with someone else to get that image out of his brain. That he had truly hated Bucky the entire time he walked home. He could tell Bucky everything, and finally get his questions and his feelings out in the open.

“I went through the entire house and I couldn’t find you,” he lied. “I thought you had already gone home. So I left. When you weren’t here, I assumed you had found someone to spend the night with. I didn’t want to bother you so I fell asleep. I was pretty drunk myself, so a lot of my thoughts were hazy.”

 _What a load of crap._ Steve thought to himself. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Bucky the truth, but apparently he was entirely okay with lying to his best friend.

“You thought I… stay the night…? Steve, do you know me at all?” Bucky was holding back tears at this point. Steve could tell that he had really hurt his friend, and he could feel guilt rising within him.

“Bucky, I’m really sorry.”

“I am demisexual Steve. You know that. Why would I stay the night with someone I had just met at a party?” Steve could see the tears threatening to spill over and he didn’t know what to do.

“I heard that you had been kissing a girl, so I assumed you’d seen someone there that you knew,” Steve forced himself to say. It wasn’t a complete lie. It just wasn’t entirely the truth.

“Oh my god, really? Who told you that? They obviously didn’t know what was going on. We were playing spin the bottle. I was drunk enough to be convinced to play. I haven’t been kissed in a while, and I kind of missed the feeling. And I knew that it wouldn’t lead to anything. So I played. They probably saw me kissing that blonde. I think she was blonde. I don’t even remember. But that was the only person that landed on me, so they obviously had some pretty weird timing.”

Steve wasn’t even listening by the end of that story. Spin the bottle. Spin the fucking bottle. He had had a crisis over spin the bottle. He couldn’t believe his timing. Bucky was right, that was some weird shit.

“Who told you?”

“I don’t even remember. I had so much to drink last night.”

“Steve.”

“Bucky, I really don’t know. I’m sorry.”

“Well, that doesn’t even matter. You still left me.” Bucky’s eyes had dried up, but he was pouting. His arms were crossed across his chest and his lip was quivering slightly.

“Bucky, I’m really sorry about that. I should never have assumed anything, your safety comes before convenience. I promise it will never happen again and I’ll make it up to you. I will make it up to you. No matter what I have to do. I feel terrible and I shouldn’t have left without you.”

Bucky finally sat down looking satisfied. Steve let his nerves calm down a little, seeing that Bucky was okay. He felt like shit for leaving his friend.

“When did you end up getting home?” Bucky asked him.

“Around three, I think.”

Bucky nodded to himself and laid down in his bed. “We both need more sleep, then.” He closed his eyes and a minute later, Steve heard his breathing even out.

Steve checked the clock and saw that it was only 7am. He felt exhausted, dehydrated, and all around hungover. He got himself some water, brushed his teeth, and climbed back into bed. More sleep wouldn’t hurt, and he wanted to put as much distance between himself and the lie he had just told Bucky.

***

When Steve finally woke up, he felt even worse than he had when Bucky was yelling at him. The combination of the guilt he felt for leaving, his confusion about his feelings for his friend, and the hatred at himself for lying was horrific. Plus he was hungover.

He didn’t feel anything stirring around his stomach, meaning he wasn’t the puky kind of hungover. He popped some Ibuprofen to get rid of his splitting headache and drank three glasses of water. Drinking always seemed like fun at night, but in the morning, Steve always wanted to die.

He shook Bucky’s shoulder a little, pulling him out of sleep. It was noon and they had stuff to do, even if they didn’t want to.

“Mmmph…” he heard from under Bucky’s pillow. Steve shook him a little harder.

“MMMPH,” Bucky replied.

“I guess I’ll just have to repeat what happened the last time you wouldn’t wake up,” Steve threatened.

“Okay, okay. I’m up,” Bucky groaned and pulled himself into a sitting position.

Steve grabbed Bucky’s car keys off his desk.

“C’mon. We’re going to Burger King.”

“Burger…King…?” Bucky grumbled as he slid out of bed.

“My mom told me a hangover cure a while back,” Steve tossed the keys to Bucky. “Burger King’s Original Chicken Sandwich.”

“I guess it’s worth a shot, but you’re driving.”

Steve nodded and followed Bucky out the door.

They drove to Burger King in silence, mostly due to the fact that they couldn’t make noise without simultaneously splitting their brains in half. Steve did his best to keep what little focus he had on getting them there in one piece.

They opted to go through the drive thru, rather than facing the noise of families enjoying greasy food on a Sunday afternoon. Any overly excited child would just kill them.

Steve ordered and paid for both of them, still feeling awful for what he had done the previous night. He parked in the parking lot and they ate their sandwiches in silence. When they were both close to being done, Bucky finally said something.

“This isn’t half bad,” he remarked while chewing.

“I didn’t think it would work as well as it is,” Steve agreed.

“I am in no way cured of this hangover, but this sandwich just made it bearable.”

“Good job, mom.”

They finished their meal and went back to campus. The entire drive back, Steve was thinking about the feelings he had felt throughout the course of the night. What did they mean? Was he falling for Bucky? He didn’t think so. It was the alcohol. It had amplified Steve’s confusion about what had happened in the fort. He still didn’t know if the look Bucky gave him was real, but he figured he’d never find out. Bucky was his best friend and he couldn’t afford to lose him.

Steve had found comfort in Bucky. He finally had a best friend who probably wouldn’t leave his life in the foreseeable future. Steve and Bucky were going to be friends for the rest of their lives, and Steve was happy with that.

“I really don’t want to write this essay,” Bucky complained as he flopped himself onto his bed. “Maybe if I just write a short apology letter and give Dr. Wetli a picture of me in a bathing suit, she’ll give me a passing grade.”

“Bucky!”

“What? I see the way she looks at me. There’s no way that is an appropriate way to look at a student.”

“It doesn’t matter. You can’t give her a picture of yourself and expect a good grade. You’d get kicked out of school or something.”

“Whatever, Mr. Goody Two Shoes. I think it could’ve worked.”

“Just write your god damn essay, you perve.”

Bucky chuckled and got out his laptop. Soon enough, Steve heard the clicking away of keys and figured he should probably get started on homework too.

Two hours of homework later, the boys decided they needed a break. Steve knocked on Tony’s door and asked if it was okay that they move their Thursday move night to a Sunday night, just once. Tony agreed and Bucky bought the chips and queso.

After some intense arguments over what movie they should watch, they devised a system. Each of them wrote three movies on pieces of paper, and stuck them in a hat. Each movie night, they would pick out of the hat.

That night, they picked Bucky’s movie and watched Like Crazy.

“I don’t want to watch some dumb chick flick,” Tony complained.

“Shhh…”

By the end of the movie, Tony wasn’t complaining about the chick flick factor of the movie. It had taken his heart and shattered it into pieces. Steve had to hold him back from fighting Bucky.

“I honestly can’t believe you made us watch that movie,” Steve was on Tony’s side, even though he was at that very moment holding Tony’s shoulders and preventing him from darting at Bucky.

“It’s a good movie!”

“It’s a terrible movie and you’re a monster!” Tony tried to pull away from Steve’s grasp.

“The script was a 50-page outline and what they got on camera was all made like that by the actors! It’s a piece of art!” Bucky was also getting angry and Steve wasn’t in the mood to get in between his roommates while they swatted at each other.

Both of them were excellent fighters, but mostly with wit. A fist fight would, admittedly be interesting, but would get really ugly really quickly.

“Alright,” Steve interjected before anything could happen. “Bucky, that movie was great but it left us feeling empty and horrible and you knew that would happen. Tony, I feel similarly to you, but you have to at least admit that it was a good movie.”

Tony finally backed down, sensing that Steve had a point.

“Fine, but I will never forgive you for this, Barnes.”

Bucky laughed quietly, accepting that there would be future teasing about him ripping Tony’s heart out of his chest.

The movie had calmed down both Steve and Bucky’s hangovers. They agreed to finish their homework, and then maybe watch another before they went to bed.

“That was kind of a dick move,” Steve mentioned to Bucky an hour into their homework time.

“Maybe, but the movie is just so good that I needed to share it with you guys. I know you’re suffering, but that’s the point. The movie is so incredibly realistic that it hurts.”

Steve sighed, then returned to his algebra.

The thing was, Steve wasn’t too angry about the outcome of the movie. It had been sad, yes. But he was angrier that he hadn’t been able to look away from Bucky for more than five minutes. The events of the party had completely fucked up his sense of judgement. He couldn’t tell if there was actually something there to figure out. All Steve knew was that he really liked it when Bucky laughed.

Steve heard a laptop close and turned around to see his roommate standing up.

“Can I turn off the main light and just leave the faery lights on?” he asked Steve.

“Sure.”

Steve didn’t want to show that he had been thinking about Bucky in a way that might compromise their relationship. Even if he did have feelings for Bucky, which he wasn’t’ sure at this point, he wasn’t really thinking about them at that point. Steve realized that he cared so much about his best friend that he could see them being together forever. Not necessarily together in a romantic sense. He just always wanted to have Bucky in his life.

He wanted to have Bucky there to complain about how early he had to wake up in the morning. He wanted to steal Bucky’s TV so he could watch The West Wing. He wanted to hear Bucky’s laugh when he found something hilarious. He wanted to be able to sit for hours, talking about nothing. He wanted to always have Bucky in his life, and Steve wasn’t ready to understand why.

He tried to focus on his homework, but nothing worked. He closed his laptop, rubbed his eyes, and climbed into bed. Before he laid down, he unplugged the lights and grabbed his phone.

Steve and Bucky never went to sleep when they planned to. They always ended up on their phones for at least 30 minutes before they fell asleep. Steve loved to save his social media updates until the night. Bucky usually read something and laughed to himself.

He never asked Bucky what was on his phone screen. It was an unspoken rule between them that once the fairy lights were out, they stopped talking.

This rule was sometimes broken, by Bucky mostly. He always had something to say, and that didn’t stop when the lights went out. Sometimes, he’d ask Steve a theoretical question, and they’d end up discussing it long into the night. But that had only happened a few times.

Mostly, they lay in silence, each of them engrossed in what was on their phone screens. This was one of Steve’s favorite times of the day. It meant that he and Bucky had reached a point in their relationship that they felt comfortable enough with each other to be silent. They were in the same room, in the dark, but they didn’t feel a need to speak. It had nothing to do with them wanting to sleep, they just felt extremely comfortable around each other. Steve loved that he had found someone that he could coexist with. He and Bucky had created an environment that was theirs and no one else’s. They were slowly becoming two halves of one whole, and Steve loved it.


	13. Chapter 13

“STEEEEEVE!”

Steve stirred in his sleep, dreaming that a dog was gently pushing at his side. This dog could also talk, and sounded a lot like Bucky.

“STEVE WAKE UP!”

He slowly opened his eyes, realizing that the voice did, in fact, belong to Bucky and not a dog. This realization didn’t clear up his confusion, though. Bucky was never awake before Steve, unless there was an early quidditch match. But it was mid-November and quidditch had ended weeks ago.

“Steve I swear to god I will jump on you.”

Steve finally opened his eyes and sat up. He saw Bucky’s face a foot away from his, a look of childlike joy playing across his features.

“What?” he mumbled.

“What do you mean ‘what’? Look outside!”

Steve rubbed his hand through his hair in confusion. He twisted and looked through the window next to his bed. What he found was a blanket of white across all the landmarks he’d grown to recognize.

“It’s snowing!” Bucky screamed excitedly.

“It’s… snowing.”

“Why do you sound disappointed? Get out of bed, we’re having a snow day!”

To be honest, Steve was a little disappointed. Snow meant that he could no longer run outside. People did it, but Steve hated the way snow felt under his feet when he was trying to keep a steady pace. Still, the first snow of the season always awoke his inner child and he soon found himself hurriedly putting on layers. He and Bucky ran downstairs and out the door to experience the snow first hand.

Steve stuck out his tongue while Bucky flopped on his back. Steve could feel little snowflakes landing on his tongue and melting as soon as they did. He couldn’t think of the last time he’d just enjoyed the snow, instead of dreading what it brought with it. He let himself have fun and remember what it was like to be a kid.

Bucky started making snow angels, ignoring the fact that he wasn’t properly dressed. He moved his arms and legs around like he was being paid for it, enjoying every minute. There was an enormous smile plastered to his face that Steve loved to look at. They were the only students in the general vicinity, and they let themselves take advantage of that.

Steve challenged Bucky to a race. Bucky leapt to his feet and nodded. They agreed on the path and where the finish line would be.

“You’re going down, Rogers.”

“If only that were true.”

With no one around to referee, Steve counted down and they took off. Even with the snow as an added hindrance, Steve still beat Bucky to the finish by a whole three seconds.

“You cheated!” Bucky breathed as he once again flopped down in the snow. “You counted and therefore you got to take a head start!”

“We could do it again, and you can count.”

Bucky was silent for a moment. “Nah, I’m good.” They both laughed at Bucky’s lack of energy. While Steve was laughing, Bucky caught him off guard and pulled him down to the snow. Nether boy was wearing enough layers, and they could feel the clothing starting to soak through.

“We should probably go back in soon,” Steve suggested. He was now lying next to Bucky, looking up at the falling snow.

“Probably,” Bucky agreed. “But not before we have a snowball fight.”

“Bucky, we have all winter to have snowball fight. This is only the first snow. Wouldn’t it be more fun if everyone else were involved too?” He heard Bucky sigh.

“I guess. But I kind of wanted to get everything over and done with.”

Steve knew that his friend didn’t really like what came with the snow either, and that they’d both be complaining in a few days. Odds were they probably wouldn’t play in the snow again until the next year.

So Steve quickly made a snowball and shoved it in Bucky’s face.

“Hey!” Bucky’s voice was muffled. He pushed Steve’s hands off and moved to tackle him. They rolled around, stuffing snow down each other’s shirts and into each other’s faces, until they ended up where they had started. Both boys were breathing heavily as they once again looked up into the falling snow. They were quiet for a while, content with just existing underneath the snowfall. Steve thought back to his childhood, and was glad that he got to recapture some of that spirit with his best friend.

“Thank you,” Steve whispered, not sure if he wanted Bucky to hear him. When Bucky was silent, Steve took it as a sign that he hadn’t been loud enough for his friend to hear him.

Bucky stood up first, and offered a hand to Steve. They made small talk on their way back about how pretty the first snowfall was.

When they walked inside, they found Tony still passed out in his bed, blissfully unaware that his roommates had tried to wake him up just an hour beforehand. Bucky stripped most of his layers off and grabbed his towel to take a shower. While he was in the bathroom, Steve microwaved mugs of milk and mixed hot chocolate for the both of them.

It didn’t matter who was there or how many people Steve had brought home with him, Sarah Rogers always made hot chocolate for Steve and his friends. Steve couldn’t be out in the cold for long, what with his small body and dysfunctional lungs, so he always ended up coming in early and helping his mom make hot chocolate for everyone. It was a winter tradition in his household, and he was determined to continue it at college.

Bucky got out of the shower, and his eyes instantly lit up at the sight of hot chocolate before him. Steve heard him rummaging around for any clean clothes he could find, and Bucky was back in the living room in record time. They sat together, enjoying the warmth from both the heater and the liquid that was filling up their insides. Bucky finished his before Steve and suggested a movie.

“We have to watch a movie that involves snow!”

“No Christmas,” Steve insisted. “It’s not Christmas until after Thanksgiving. I will not allow a Christmas movie on this TV.”

“Fine. But there are still movies that involve snow without involving Christmas.”

“Name one.”

“Rise of the Guardians. It talks about Christmas, but it’s not a Christmas movie. It’s more of an Easter movie, really,” Bucky paused. “Frozen, too. That whole movie is about snow and they never once mention Christmas.”

“So we’re going to watch Rise of the Guardians and Frozen?”

“Yeah!”

Bucky stood up and rummaged through his collection of DVDs. After a few minutes, he had pulled out both movies. He put in Rise of the Guardians first, and sat down next to Steve.

Since it was still technically morning, Steve figured it was too early to make popcorn. He made another round of hot chocolate and settled in to watch the movie with his friend.

They were about half way through the movie when Tony shuffled out of his room. He looked at them in sleepy confusion, then turned and went into the bathroom. When he came out again, he had the same look on his face.

“It’s snowing!” Bucky shouted, as a sort of explanation.

Tony’s confusion deepened and he sat down on the floor at Bucky’s feet. Steve made him a hot chocolate as well and Tony accepted it without words. The three of them watched the rest of the movie enjoying their drinks and childish joy.

“So you’re watching snow movies because it’s snowing?”

“Basically.”

“Fun.”

They popped in the second movie and settled in. As much as they didn’t want to admit it, they all loved the animated sisterly bonding movie. It was made for kids, but great for adults.

“ _Love is an open doooooooor!_ ” They belted out together. After mumbling the first song to themselves, they figured it was okay for them to sing. None of them were tone deaf, but there was a reason they weren’t in choir.

They went on like that for the rest of the day, ignoring their responsibilities and watching children’s movies. It had become a sort of tradition of theirs to watch movies whenever they wanted to, and they were all slowly becoming accustomed to the movie tastes of the others.

Tony loved action, unsurprisingly. But he also had a soft spot for romance movies. He’d never admit it, but he enjoyed a good love story.

Bucky was all about the indie movies. He had made it his mission in life to educate his roommates in all movies that involved either Felicity Jones or a plot that left you feeling empty inside. He also thoroughly enjoyed cartoons and all things that made him feel like a child. It was an odd combination, but he made it work.

Steve was into a little bit of everything. He enjoyed just about every movie that his roommates chose to show him. Whether it was a dark superhero movie, or a sappy romance film with David Tennant, Steve always found himself enjoying the story line. He loved a good plot, and it didn’t really matter what that plot was.

After Phil had moved out, the three boys had used their movie nights as a coping mechanism; a therapeutic way to deal with the sudden change they all felt. It was a bonding ritual, as well as a way for them to forget about their responsibilities and their lives for a bit.

As they continued to watch movies, it became more than simply an escape from their problems. They had made it into a tradition and a regular thing to sit down together and watch a movie.

It wasn’t odd for one of them to walk in and sit down in the middle of a movie. Steve loved the atmosphere they had created in which they could be free to watch anything they wanted, without judgement.

“ _Some people are worth melting for…_ ”

Steve unashamedly loved singing along to movies. And that day was no exception. In most of their movie choices, there were songs to sing along to.

Their Saturday was full of Disney movies and shitty snacks, and Steve loved every minute of it. It felt like a true snow day, where they got the day off of school and spent it doing everything and nothing at the same time.

When the last of their collection ended with Tangled, the sun had set and they all felt the need to get some actual work done. As much as they would have loved to sit around and do nothing, finals week was getting closer and they needed to get down to work.

Steve was really feeling the pressure of college finals. He had three essays to write, online homework to catch up on, and actual exams to study for. He thought that high school AP classes had prepared him for the stress of college, but he had no idea.

He shut off the TV and they broke to their own bedrooms. Silence fell over their suite as all three boys got to work, preparing themselves for the upcoming stress of finals. Steve opened his computer, and felt the last bits of his euphoria slip away. It was time to hunker down and be an adult.

He decided to once and for all work through his feelings for Bucky. By the end of the week, Steve would know exactly the nature of his feelings for his best friend. Whether they be platonic or something more, he’d know and be able to work through whatever came next.

He just hoped he’d be able to handle the outcome.


	14. Chapter 14

Steve still had no idea.

He had no idea how he felt about Bucky. He’d spent the better part of the week thinking through every encounter they’d ever had, analyzing the way he’d reacted in each one. It was tiresome and stressful, but he’d made it through most of their past year.

He hated thinking about Bucky in such an analytical light when he was around him, so Steve had spent most of the week out of their room. He used the excuse that his workload was heavier leading up to finals. Bucky thought he was holing himself up in the library, when in reality Steve spent hours wandering through campus, sitting at Starbucks, and talking to Sam.

Sam was his lifeline that week. Steve spent probably half his time sitting on Sam’s bed, talking through his life with Bucky. Steve was sure that Sam hated him by the end of the week, but Sam insisted that he was fine.

“Seriously, Steve. I brought this on myself when I asked you about it.”

“I guess but I feel really bad for taking up all your time talking about this.”

“You’re really not. I can multitask really well. It’s actually helped me. My psychology paper has really improved since you started coming around more often.”

“Really? What is it about?”

“How people with unrequited crushes deal with it.”

Steve gave him the best death glare he could muster.

“Relax, I’m kidding. I know you’re just trying to sort through your feelings. I’m here for whatever you need.”

Steve thanked him and fell silent for a bit. He let Sam get back to work on whatever he had been doing, then picked up the conversation again.

“I just don’t know how to understand all the things that are swirling around inside me. Like, I know that I wanted to kiss him that one time. But I don’t know why. Do I actually have a crush on him? Or was it just the feel of the moment? And every time he mentions that he might like someone else, I get jealous. Why?”

Sam stayed quiet, sensing that Steve didn’t want answers to the questions he was raising. He stopped taking notes and simply listened to Steve.

“Oh my god. I literally threw up because I saw him kissing someone else. That has to mean something, right? Like, if I saw you kissing someone, I’d be happy for you. I wouldn’t feel sick to my stomach. So that has to mean that I feel something more than friendship for Bucky. But exactly how much more? I guess that’s the question I’m really trying to answer.

“Because I definitely think of Bucky as more than a friend, but how much more? Do I want to date Bucky? I’m not sure. I don’t think so. But I really don’t know. I feel like I’m kind of already dating Bucky. I mean, we spend basically all of our free time together. We hang out and do stuff that could be considered dates. But we’re not actually dating. I know that.

“Bucky doesn’t even know that I’m thinking about him like this. It’s not fair to him. I feel like I should talk to him about it. I’ve already lied at least twice trying to hide that I’m figuring it all out. I talk to him about everything. So why can’t I talk to him about this?”

“Because you’re afraid that he won’t feel the same,” Sam offered.

“I don’t even think it’s that. I think it’s because I’m afraid that by talking to Bucky about my feelings for him, it’ll make them real. And it will ruin what we have between us.”

“What do you have between you?”

Steve thought for a moment. What was the nature of his relationship with Bucky? They lived together, but not really by their own choice. They spent most of their time together, but it was more for convenience than by choice. Or was it? Steve genuinely enjoyed spending time with Bucky. Even if he wasn’t in the same room as Bucky, Steve believed that he would choose to spend time with him.

“I’m not exactly sure,” Steve admitted. “I mean, we’re friends. Obviously. Best friends. But I think there’s something more. We have different friends, but we generally choose each other over everyone else. No offense.”

Sam laughed. “None taken, bro. I know I’m not your best friend. Bucky has that title. I have no problem with the friendship we have.”

Steve smiled. Sam was an amazing friend, and he loved that he had become friends with the guy.

“Why do you think that this bothers you so much?” Sam asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Obviously your feelings for Bucky are bothering you. If they weren’t, you wouldn’t be having such a crisis. So why do you think you’re spending so much time trying to figure out how you feel about him?”

Steve was silent. Sam waited patiently for Steve to find the right words to describe his situation.

“I think it’s because, if my feelings turn out to be significant, it’ll change how I look at Bucky forever. I mean, I probably won’t try to do anything. But even without actions, the relationship will change. I’ll look at him in a new way. Every interaction between us will be different, at least in my brain.

“I’m not sure I want our relationship to change. Even though I’m currently freaking out about whether or not I have a crush on him, Bucky is still the best friend I’ve ever had. I mean, everyone I’ve met this year has given me hope that I can have friends for longer than a year. But Bucky is going to be my friend for the rest of my life. That much I know. I don’t want to change everything and then lose a friend that I want to have forever.”

“Do you think your friendship will change for the worse?”

“Probably. Especially because I’m not sure how he feels about me. I know that I’m his best friend, but I highly doubt that it’s anything more for him. He’s always looking at other people and telling me that finds all these people attractive. He won’t act on something unless he has a relationship with a person. But who’s to say that he doesn’t have a close relationship with someone on the quidditch team? Someone that he actually has feelings for and could have a relationship with…”

Steve was getting worked up and he stopped talking to calm himself down. He was getting ahead of himself and making conditions worse for himself.

“But who’s to say that the connection he feels with you isn’t special? It doesn’t necessarily have to be a romantic thing, but your relationship is something that makes a lot of people jealous. You guys have gotten extremely close within just a few months and it seems like you’re genuinely happy in each other’s presence. You came into college thinking that you’d have a roommate and you ended up finding a great friend. Don’t you think that’s special in and of itself?”

“Yeah, it is.” Steve responded. “And I love that I’ve found Bucky. I’m just extremely nervous that what I’ve started to feel for him is going to ruin the relationship we’ve established.”

“That’s a fair thought to have, but I think you’re underestimating both yourself and Bucky. I think you have more self-control than you give yourself credit for. You obviously care for Bucky a lot and I don’t think you’ll let such a small thing ruin your friendship with him. Also, Bucky is a great guy and I don’t think he’d treat you any differently if he knew about all of this.”

Sam was right. He and Bucky were close enough friends that things probably wouldn’t change too much. Still, he was anxious about the fact that things were probably going to change.

“Thanks, Sam. I’m no closer to understanding my feelings for Bucky, but you’ve made me feel much better about it.”

“That’s what I’m here for. You going home?”

“Yeah, I think it’s time for me to show my face around there again.”

“You act like you’ve been gone for years trying to find yourself.”

“I was channeling Tony, trying to capture a flair for the dramatic.”

“Mission accomplished, Mister Stark.”

Steve laughed and thanked Sam again for his help. He left Sam’s room, said hello to Phil and Bruce on his way out, and unlocked his door.

“I think he just got home, I gotta go,” Steve heard Bucky say from their bedroom. He walked in and found Bucky hanging up his phone.

“How was studying?” Bucky asked him.

“Enlightening.”

They both laughed. Steve out his backpack down and shed his coat. “Who were you just talking to?”

Bucky blushed a little bit, but Steve pretended not to notice. “Natasha. She wanted advice about her relationship with Clint.”

“So they’re calling it a relationship now?”

“Not really. They’re still super secretive about it, but I think she’s getting kind of tired of not really knowing what they are.”

“That’s fair. What did you tell her?” Steve suddenly felt nervous.

“I told her that she should just confront him about it, especially since she knows that he has feelings for her.”

Steve nodded, butterflies in his stomach. “That’s good advice. Sam says hi, by the way.” Steve tried to change the subject.

“You were at Sam’s?”

Steve realized his mistake as soon as it had come out of his mouth. Bucky thought that Steve had been at the library alone.

“Yeah, I stopped by before I came here.” He lied.

“Oh, okay. How is he?”

“He’s good. Bummed that he doesn’t have a chance with Natasha, but happy for her and Clint nonetheless.”

Bucky nodded and pulled put a book. “I really hate this whole ‘reading for class’ thing, you know? Like, if I wanted to read a book, I would. I don’t want to be forced to read something I would never read normally.”

“You’re an English major, Buck.”

“That doesn’t mean I like to read! I love literature. I love the effect it has on people and cultures. But if I don’t want to read, I shouldn’t be forced to read!”

“You’re going to be forced to read for the rest of the time you’re here. English majors generally have to take English classes.”

“My major is creative writing! I want to write novels, not read them.”

“I can’t help you, Buck.”

“I know, I know. I just hate the politics of college. I’m an adult and I’m expected to pay shit loads of money to this university, but they still treat me like a child that doesn’t know how to take care of myself.”

“College sucks, what can I tell you?”

“Are you okay, Steve?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know, you’ve just been acting kind of off for a few days. I feel like we haven’t had a real conversation in a while. I kind of miss you, which is weird. I’ve seen you every day and we sleep in the same room for fuck’s sake, but we haven’t talked to each other in days.”

“Bucky, relax. I’m fine. I’m sorry that I haven’t been around but I’m trying to work through some personal things. Plus the stress of finals is really starting to get to me and I can’t really focus on a lot of things at once.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Steve did. He really did. He wanted to sit down, and tell Bucky everything that was going on in his brain. He wanted to talk through what was going on with the person that he trusted the most. Bucky knew Steve better than anyone else, and it was killing Steve that he couldn’t talk to his best friend about what was going on.

“Maybe later. I kind of just want to sleep right now.”

Bucky silently assessed Steve. “Are you sure? I’m not doing anything important. I’m worried about you, Stevie.”

Steve felt immediately guilty when he heard Bucky’s nickname for him. Bucky only used it when he was genuinely concerned for him. The only person that used that name for him before had been his mom. It was an endearing term that Steve got used to hearing come out of her mouth. But it was foreign coming from Bucky. Just hearing it made Steve’s stomach fill with butterflies, but he also felt nauseous.

“Thanks, Buck. But I really am okay.” Steve lied. He hated that he couldn’t explain to Bucky why he was acting the way he was.

Bucky’s frown deepened, sensing the tremor in Steve’s voice. He nodded and got up to turn off the lights. Steve crawled into bed, and rolled on his side. Tears started to prickle at his eyes, and he let them fall.

Bucky was Steve’s closest friend maybe ever and he couldn’t stand the fact that he wasn’t being truthful with him. What made it even more horrible was the fact that Steve really could tell Bucky everything. Sure, he’d be risking the state of their friendship, but anything was better than what he was currently feeling.

Steve heard Bucky flop down in his bed and let out an audible sigh. He knew that Bucky was angry with him, but was also worried. Bucky would never be angry at Steve without have a genuine reason.

Steve also let out a sigh, as a wordless form of communication with his roommate. He didn’t wait to hear a response from Bucky. He closed his eyes and forced himself to think about anything other Bucky. The first thing that came to his mind was his psychology exam that was two weeks from that day.

Theories and experiments crossed his mind and he fell asleep to various inkblots and their useless meanings.


	15. Chapter 15

A few days later, Steve found out exactly how he felt about Bucky.

A water pipe had burst on campus due to extreme cold temperatures. Half of campus was closed off and there was a slow and steady flood filling up the street that ran through campus. Other than fucking up the commute to a few places, the pipe bursting didn’t really affect Steve’s life.

It was a Friday. Steve had one class on Fridays and he got to sleep in a little bit. He went to class, ate lunch at the Student Union, went to band rehearsal, and then went home. It was a normal day and he only knew about the pipe bursting because it was the only thing anyone could talk about.

When he walked into his dorm building, the first thing he noticed was a mass of people standing by the front desk. They seemed angry, but he couldn’t make out why. As he walked past them to the elevator, he made out some words they were shouting. Common words were “fucking freezing” and “only one side of the building”.

Steve figured he’d get the answers he was looking for when he walked into his room. When he stepped off the elevator, he noticed an obvious drop in temperature. It wasn’t enough to worry him, he figured that the hallways were always colder than the actual rooms. He unlocked his door and his hopes to warm up were immediately dashed.

The temperature of Steve’s dorm room had to be less than 50 degrees. It seemed like the air conditioning had been on full blast all day, leaving the room to indeed be ‘fucking freezing’. Steve didn’t even take off his winter coat as he walked into his bedroom.

What he found made his heart skip a beat.

Steve was notorious for stealing Bucky’s TV and watching his shows from the comfort of his bed. He would position the TV on the side of his desk, which was at the foot of his bed. That way, he could lay in bed and watch just about anything he wanted. He had binged a season of the West Wing over the weekend, so the TV was still positioned at the end of the bed.

What Steve wasn’t expecting to see was Bucky laying in his bed. Steve’s bed. Bucky was in Steve’s bed, buried under a mass of blankets.

Steve paused in the doorway, taking in the scene.

“The heat broke and I wanted to watch a movie,” Bucky explained when he saw Steve. “The TV was here and I really didn’t want to move it. I figured you wouldn’t mind.”

Steve was still standing in the doorway like an idiot. His thought process hadn’t progressed past Bucky is in my bed.

“I also borrowed all of your blankets because it’s fucking freezing in this god damned dorm room.”

Steve nodded and slowly walked into the room. He dropped his bag and took his coat off. The chill of the room snapped him out of the daze he had been in, and he immediately went to his closet. He grabbed two more layers for both the top and the bottom of his body, and quickly dressed himself.

Bucky had paused the movie and was watching Steve as he added layer after layer in attempt to warm himself up. Steve realized that Bucky had commandeered all of his blankets and was, in fact, in his bed so any idea to crawl under the covers left Steve’s brain.

“Steve?”

“Yeah, sorry. Why are you in my bed?”

“I wanted to watch a movie and it is cold as fuck so I grabbed every blanket I could find and curled up in front of my TV.”

“Right. Well, okay.”

“Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you want to join me? You’re going to turn into a fucking popsicle if you stand there for much longer.”

Join him? Did Bucky just ask Steve to join him? In his bed? Steve couldn’t push the images out of his brain when those words crossed his mind.

“Stop looking at me like an idiot and fucking get under these blankets. I don’t need to have a roommate with hypothermia on my hands.”

Steve’s body moved of its own accord and he found himself climbing into bed with Bucky. His brain was miles behind and he still couldn’t believe that Bucky was in his bed. Bucky held up the pile of blankets and Steve slid under them next to his best friend. The bed was a twin size, and Steve by himself barely fit. He didn’t know how both he and Bucky were going to be able to fit comfortably in one bed, and he was a bit worried that the bed might break.

“Jesus Christ, Steve, I’m not radioactive. You can move off the edge of the bed and get comfortable.”

Steve knew that it was a horrible idea, but he moved closer to Bucky. He didn’t want to fall off the edge of the bed, so he was kind of glad that Bucky had said something. He realized that he hadn’t said anything since he’d climbed in bed. He was acting like a fucking idiot. Steve pushed down his anxiety, and pretended that he was completely okay with everything that was happening.

“Move the fuck over, Buck. It’s my bed you don’t get to take up eighty percent of it!” Steve shoved Bucky in the side and Bucky moved over a little bit to compensate for the addition of his roommate.

“Relax, Steve, I’m moving. By the way, it’s my TV so you don’t really get to complain.”

“Fair enough. Your TV, your choice on the programming. My bed, my choice on the position.” Bucky snorted and Steve poked his side. “Grow up.”

“Hey, you get to choose the position. How do you want me?”

Steve poked Bucky in the side again as Bucky laughed his ass off. Steve pushed Bucky over more until he could lay on his back comfortably. Bucky had sat up in order to breathe properly. He took in a few deep breaths and looked down at Steve. He began laughing again when he saw the look on Steve face.

When Bucky was done laughing at his horrible joke, he laid back down on his side. Steve was a large person, and didn’t leave a lot of room for another person on a bed. Bucky wiggled in next to him, making room for himself.

Steve was holding his breath the entire time Bucky made himself comfortable. Bucky ended up on his side, his head on Steve’s shoulder. They turned their attention back to the movie, and talked a little bit throughout. Their conversations were short and held little to no content.

Steve tried his hardest to focus on the movie, but his close proximity to Bucky made that quite difficult. They had moved a little bit and Steve’s arm was under Bucky’s body. Steve was slowly losing feeling in his arm, but he found that he really couldn’t care less.

He looked down at his best friend, who was curled up on top of his arm. Bucky’s head was resting on Steve shoulder and he look content with life. They were literally cuddling and Steve could not feel any happier than he did. At that moment, Steve knew that, when it came to Bucky Barnes, he was really and truly fucked.

Bucky moved around a little bit, and nuzzled in closer to Steve. His head moved closer to Steve’s chest and he sighed.

“Stevie, if I fall asleep here, will you hate me?”

“Not at all. If you’re comfortable enough to sleep, I’m not going to stop you. I might move a little bit to get comfortable, but fall asleep if you want to.”

“Thanks. I didn’t realize how tired I was and this is just surprisingly comfortable.”

Steve smiled and let Bucky slip into sleep.

“Stevie?” Bucky whispered softly.

“Yeah, Buck?”

“I really love being your best friend.”

Steve inhaled quickly, and tried to play it off as catching his breath. He had moved Bucky’s head a little bit, but Bucky just adjusted his position and got comfortable again. Steve was surprised at the amount of vulnerability he heard in Bucky’s voice.

“I love being your best friend too.” Steve replied. He meant it. Bucky had come into his life and changed it forever. He’d taken Steve’s world and completely flipped it upside down. Steve loved being Bucky’s best friend and he truly believed that Bucky deserved to know that.

Bucky sighed contentedly and buried his face in Steve’s shoulder. After a few minutes, Steve felt his breathing even out.

As Bucky fell deeper and deeper into sleep, Steve felt himself wanting to join him. Even with the new knowledge that he did, in fact, have feelings for Bucky, Steve felt surprisingly calm. He knew that there was extreme anxiety to look forward to. But, for the time being, Steve felt comfortable and content with his life.

Steve was cuddling with his best friend. His best friend that he was in love with. And he couldn’t find a reason in the world to change anything about that situation. Steve felt the exhaustion from the day start to kick in, and he let himself fall asleep with Bucky cuddled up next to him.


	16. Chapter 16

_Fuck._ Steve woke up without feeling in his left arm and an enormous smile on his face. _Fuck._ He couldn’t remember much about what happened before he fell asleep. _Fuck._ All he knew was that Bucky was asleep on his shoulder. _Fuck._ He was in love with Bucky. _FUCK._ He was in love with Bucky. _FUCK HE WAS IN LOVE WITH BUCKY._

Steve jolted awake. He tried not to move too much so as to not wake his sleeping roommate. After checking that Bucky was still asleep, Steve slowly pulled his arm out from underneath him. He pushed the mass of blankets off of his body and got out of bed. The room hadn’t warmed up, but his bladder was ready to burst.

Steve came from the bathroom to see Bucky spread across his bed. Bucky had a small smile on his face and Steve couldn’t help the rush of butterflies that flew through his stomach.

He was royally screwed. Steve felt a little relieved now that he knew the nature of his feelings, but they were worse than he had hoped. He thought that the most he’d have to deal with was a small crush that he could get over in a few weeks.

What he hadn’t counted on was the amount of adoration he felt for his best friend. Bucky could lie in his bed forever and Steve would be content with just watching him. Steve sat down at his desk to try to sort things out a little bit.

So he was in love with Bucky. That changed things a little, but it didn’t have to make a huge difference in the grand scheme of their friendship. Steve knew how to control himself. He just wasn’t sure he’d be able to sleep in the same room as Bucky without going a little bit crazy.

It was about two hours after they had fallen asleep and about the time that they would usually go down to eat dinner. Steve heard a knock on their door as Tony peeked his head in.

“You guys ready to—” his eyes widened when he saw Bucky sprawled out on Steve’s bed. “Holy shit, did you?” His voice was an intense whisper as he drew conclusions.

“No! We were watching a movie and we feel asleep. I came home to him underneath the blankets and we figured it would be the best way to stay warm.”

Tony looked Steve up and down with apprehension.

“I swear we didn’t do anything.”

“If you say so. Do you want to wake Sleeping Beauty for dinner?”

“Before he fell asleep he said he was really tired. I think we should just leave him to sleep and I can bring something up for him later.”

They left Bucky to sleep and went to dinner. Having Tony there to distract him made Steve feel a lot better about the situation he was in. Talking about his upcoming concert was a great way to take his mind off of Bucky for a while.

“We’re going to be playing all of the music we’ve played over the season. It’s at the theatre downtown and I am so excited.”

“You’re a fucking nerd, you know that?”

“I know, I know. But it’s who I am. And you’re the one who decided to be friends with me.”

“To be honest, I was kind of forced to live with you, and we just got to be friends from there. It wasn’t really my choice.”

“Wow. That’s… I’m honestly hurt, Tony.” Sarcasm dripped from Steve’s voice.

“Chill. You’re a nerd but you’re still my friend.”

Steve laughed and got up to get more food. Tony was a great distraction from his problems and he was extremely glad that they had chosen not to wake Bucky up.

He grabbed a to-go box and started putting food in it for Bucky. He put a few pieces of pizza and a grilled cheese with chicken. Bucky also loved French fries so Steve threw a handful into the box.

Tony and Steve went back upstairs and found Bucky still asleep. His position had changed and he was curled up on his side facing the wall.

“This is your problem, dude.” Tony said as he turned around headed to his room.

“You have no idea…” Steve whispered under his breath.

He took a few moments to admire how Bucky looked. With his body curled up so small, Bucky reminded Steve of a kid. Steve almost didn’t want to wake him up, but Bucky needed to eat. Plus, he needed his bed back at some point.

“Hey, Bucky. You should get up soon,” Steve said gently as he nudged Bucky’s shoulder. Bucky turned over slightly and groaned.

“How long have I been asleep?”

“A few hours. I brought some dinner back for you.”

Bucky rubbed his eyes and sat up slowly. “You ate without me?”

“You seemed so peaceful and I really didn’t want to wake you.”

He nodded and stared into space for a moment. It always took Bucky a few minutes to wake up, so Steve gave him the space to do so. When Bucky finally got out of bed, he walked straight to the box of food that Steve had set on his desk.

“Thanks for the food, Stevie.”

Steve’s insides twisted at the nickname. It seemed that Bucky had taken a liking to calling him by the nickname outside of the times he was worried. Steve loved the idea of having a special nickname from his friend. It made what they had just a little more special.

_Fuck._

Bucky opened the box and started eating. Steve tore his gaze away from his roommate and made some shitty excuse about needing to go see Sam. Bucky was still waking up so he didn’t notice the frantic tone that Steve spoke in. Steve all but ran across the hall and knocked on the door.

“What’s up, Steve?” Phil answered the door.

“Is Sam home?”

“Yeah, he’s just in his room. Is everything okay?”

“Sure, I just need to talk to Sam.”

Phil moved out of the way with a concerned expression on his face. Fortunately, he didn’t press Steve on what was bothering him and simply let him pass.

Steve opened the door to Sam’s room with a small knock. He didn’t think to check who else was in the room before he began talking.

“I love him. Fuck! Sam, I love him. I am in love with my roommate. I am in love with Bucky. I love James Buchanan Barnes.”

When Steve heard more than one gasp, he looked around the room. He made eye contact with not only Clint, but Natasha too. The three of them had been playing a card game and were all staring at Steve.

“Fuck. Umm, could you guys pretend that you didn’t hear any of that?” Steve could feel his face getting physically warmer. He wanted to crawl into a hole and never return to life. No more than an hour had passed since he had discovered his feelings, and already three people knew about them.

“You owe me ten bucks,” was the first thing anyone else said. Natasha was looking at Clint with her hand held open.

“Shit, Steve. It’s about time that you realized this,” Clint admitted, handing Natasha a ten dollar bill.

“I… excuse me?”

“I mean, we’ve all known for a while. You look at Bucky like he hung the fucking moon. All I’m saying that we’re surprised it took you this long to finally realize you love him.”

“He’s right,” Natasha affirmed. “We’ve all been waiting for you to admit to yourself for a while now. I mean, we made a bet about how long it would take you.”

“I thought you’d last until after Thanksgiving, bro,” Clint unashamedly admitted.

Steve was speechless. They all knew? They all knew that he was in love with Bucky, and no one had said anything. How had they known? Was he that fucking obvious?

“Does Bucky know?”

“Oh god, honey, no way,” Natasha assured him. “That kid is intelligent, but he’s the most oblivious person I’ve ever met. You could probably send him a love letter and he’d still think you were just being nice.”

Steve nodded, taking in the information. His friends knew that he was in love with Bucky. But Bucky didn’t know that he was in love with Bucky. His brain was working extremely slowly as he processed this information.

“Guys, would you be okay with pausing the game and letting me talk to Steve?” he heard Sam politely ask the other two.

Natasha and Clint graciously left, promising not to say anything to Bucky. Steve thanked them. Before they left, he asked Natasha if he could talk to her after he was done talking to Sam. She nodded and told him to stop by whenever.

“Alright,” Sam started. “Obviously, that’s not what you wanted to happen. But it did, and we should probably talk about your plans first.”

“My plans?”

“Well, Natasha and Bucky are pretty close. I’m not saying that she’s not trustworthy, but you should probably talk to her about everything.”

“Yeah, I was thinking about that. That’s why I asked if I could talk to her tonight.”

“I figured. Okay, so you love Bucky. What made you realize that?”

Steve told Sam the story of finding Bucky in his bed and the events that led to them cuddling and Steve realizing his feelings. He went over everything in detail, more for his benefit than Sam’s, trying to understand how his friends had realized it before he had.

“How long have you known?” he asked Sam when the story was finished.

“Since the first day you joined me on my morning runs.”

“That long? Jesus, Sam. Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I figured it was something that you needed to figure out on your own. You kept coming to me to talk through what you were feeling. It wouldn’t have been right for me to tell you something about yourself before you were ready to deal with it.”

“Did you tell the others?” Steve was beginning to feel angry, and he wanted to know why his friends hadn’t helped him.

“No way! Everyone figured it out on their own. I haven’t even talked about it to anyone else. I mean, I knew that other people had figured it out too, but I wasn’t going to say anything. It was kind of an unspoken rule to not talk about it. It wasn’t fair to you.”

Steve’s anger ebbed a little bit. Still, he thought it was completely unfair to him that they knew before he did.

“Am I really that obvious?”

Sam smiled sympathetically. “It was obvious to me because you talked to me about your feelings. But, I’d have to say that you don’t really have a poker face when it comes to Bucky. Whenever you’re around him, you’re happier than I’ve ever seen you. Granted, we’ve only known each other for a few months, but I know love when I see it.”

Love. Steve loved Bucky. And everyone knew. “What do I do that makes it so obvious?”

Sam chuckled. “You have a special smile that you only use when you’re around Bucky. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s like, you have this imaginary wall between you and everyone else. Not one that blocks people from ever coming in, it’s just something you built up from moving around so much.”

Steve immediately regretted telling Sam about his past.

“But around Bucky, it kind of melts away. You let your guard down and you’re completely comfortable in his presence. It’s not like that wall is there to block people out, but it’s obvious that Bucky has broken down all of your barriers. And that’s a good thing, Steve. You’ve found someone that you can be completely comfortable with.”

Steve was silent. Everything Sam was saying was true. Bucky had broken down all of Steve’s barriers. Steve knew that Bucky was the only person—other than his mom—to have access to everything about Steve. If Bucky asked a question, Steve answered without hesitation. Bucky knew more about Steve than Peggy ever did, and that scared him.

“You love him. That much you know. It may seem like something that is going to ruin your life, but I know that you’re relieved to have this information finally.”

“How is this not going to ruin everything?”

“Because you won’t let it. You care too much about Bucky to let this get in the way of your friendship. It’ll be hard for the next few weeks, but you’ll get past it. Bucky has no idea, and that’s going to make things much easier for you.”

“How am I supposed to live with this, though? I’m in love with my best friend. I know that now. I accept it. But usually when you love someone, you get to be with them. I’m not at all with Bucky.”

“You kind of are. Admit it, the two of you are closer than any normal best friends. Sure, it’s not a romantic relationship, but it’s more than regular friendship.”

“Isn’t that worse? I have a taste of something that I can’t have. Bucky is my best friend. And yes, we have an odd relationship. But that’s all it’s ever going to be, isn’t it? An extremely close friendship.”

Sam fell silent. Even with his psychology classes and volunteer work at the counseling center, he couldn’t give Steve straight answers. He wouldn’t. Steve had to work through his problems on his own.

“Steve, I can’t tell you what to do. I’m going to be here every step of the way. You are always welcome to come vent, cry, or scream to me. I will listen and try to help you as much as I can. But it’s not my job to tell you how to handle your life.”

“But I don’t know what to do!” Tears suddenly rose to Steve’s eyes and spilled onto his cheeks. He sat down on the edge of Sam’s bed and put his head in his hands. Steve wasn’t ashamed of crying, but he still didn’t like people seeing him doing it.

Sam sat down next to him, offering comfort where Steve needed it. He let Steve cry and handed him tissues when it was obvious that he’d need them.

Steve silently thanked him and laid his head against the wall. “What the fuck am I supposed to do, Sam?”

“I don’t know, man. But I will be here for whatever you need. I promise.”

Steve nodded and took a deep breath. “Okay, I think I’m done with that. I’m sure you’ll see a lot more of me in the next week. But for now, I need to go talk to Natasha.”

“Alright. Are you sure you’re good?”

“As good as I’m going to be at this point.”

Sam followed him to the living room door and gave him another sympathetic smile before he closed the door.

Steve walked down the hall to Natasha’s room and knocked softly on the door. Pepper answered and greeted Steve with a smile.

“Steve!” she exclaimed. “How can I help you, good sir?”

“Is Natasha here?”

“I think she’s in her room. Is everything okay? Is there anything I can do?”

“Not really, but thanks for caring.”

“Any time. Just knock and she’ll let you in.”

Steve followed Pepper’s advice and knocked before he walked into Natasha’s room. She let him in and gave him a similar smile to the one Sam had been flashing all night.

“Hi,” she started cautiously. “What can I do for you?”

Steve didn’t know how to start. He and Natasha were good friends. They enjoyed judging people together and shared a liking for weird underground music. But she was much closer to Bucky. Steve was worried that her loyalty to Bucky would outweigh her care for Steve and that she’d end up telling Bucky about everything.

Natasha ended up speaking first. “You’re worried that I’m going to say something to James.” She always called Bucky by his first name, and she was the only person he allowed to do so. “I’m not going to. I’m not that cruel.”

Steve smiled shyly. “I don’t think you’re cruel. I just figured that you’d think it was something Bucky deserved to know.”

“I do think that. But, I also think it’s something that he needs to find out from someone other than me,” She paused. “Namely, you.”

Steve hung his head. He felt ashamed for so many reasons. Natasha was a great person and he hated that he was thinking so lowly of her. He also knew that he should probably tell Bucky about his feelings. But it wasn’t something that he could do.

“Steve, I know this is hard for you to deal with. I’m not expecting you to barge into the room and declare your love for him then and there. I just think you need to be more open to talking to James about it. He’s oblivious but he’s not stupid. He doesn’t know that you love him. That much is for sure. But he knows that there is something between the two of you. I just think it’s something that the two of you need to talk about. So you can avoid identity crises and vomiting in the future.”

That’s right. Natasha had been there the night Steve threw up. She had made some comment about his sickness having to do with something other than his stomach. That was probably the night she had figured out that there was something in between him and Bucky. At least, something that Steve felt.

“If it makes you feel better, I don’t plan on saying anything to James. That wouldn’t be fair to you. And I think you and I are better friends than you give us credit for. I would never intentionally hurt you, even if I thought that I’d be helping.”

Steve felt a tad bit better. Even though Natasha suggested that he talk to Bucky, she also said that she wouldn’t tell Bucky anything. It lifted a little weight off of Steve’s shoulders.

“Thanks, Nat,” was all Steve could think to say. She had basically covered everything, and he couldn’t think of any other reason to stay in her room. When she sat down on her bed, and held out her arms, he quickly changed his mind.

He laid down and rested his head on her chest. She stroked his hair as he started crying for the second time that night. Natasha was not an outwardly comforting person, but she cared about her friends fiercely. She knew that Steve needed someone to hold him. She also knew the only person he’d trust to do so was the one person he couldn’t ask.

Steve no longer felt ashamed and he let himself cry while Natasha held him. Her voice was calm and soothing as she whispered in Russian. She continued stroking his hair and holding him close to her. Steve was probably too large for her to be treating him like a sad child, but it was what he needed at the moment.

When he felt he had cried as much as he needed to, he sat up. Natasha loosened her hold on him and let him move. She grabbed a box of tissues as Steve wiped his eyes with his sleeves.

“I just don’t know how to live with this,” he admitted.

“I know. It won’t be easy. But you have supportive friends that will help you through it. You also have to remember that Bucky doesn’t know about this.”

“I mean, that’s kind of the point.”

“But you can’t begin to treat him differently. If you distance yourself from him, he’ll think he’s done something wrong. You and Bucky are too close to let this affect what you have. Respect his ignorance, but also know that you can’t let it get in the way of your friendship.”

Steve nodded, understanding that what Natasha was saying was completely fair. He couldn’t hurt Bucky consciously, but he never thought that he’d indirectly ruin their friendship.

“Promise me that you won’t let your feelings for him get in the way of caring for him as a friend.”

“I promise. Bucky comes first, you know that.”

“I do, Steve. I really do.”

Steve thanked her for helping him. She assured him that she wouldn’t say anything about his feelings to Bucky.

“I’d also really appreciate it if you didn’t mention what just happened to anyone else.”

“Of course.”

He thanked her again, and made his way back to his room. He only lived a few doors down from Natasha, but the journey felt like miles. He didn’t want to face Bucky again after having come to term with how he felt. Facing Bucky meant acknowledging that nothing could be done to act on his feelings.

Steve wasn’t sure he was ready to deal with that kind of hurt. He stood outside the door to his room for what felt like hours. He thought through every scenario and way that he’d greet Bucky. Finally, he knew that he couldn’t wait any longer. He opened the door and steeled himself to whatever was ahead of him.

Steve loved Bucky, but Bucky was his best friend first. And he’d be damned if he didn’t take care of Bucky’s feelings the way that a best friend should. Bucky had changed Steve’s life and given him a person to trust. Bucky was the person Steve went to about everything.

Sam was right. Bucky had taken all of Steve’s walls and slowly broken them down to nothing. Brick by brick, Bucky had opened Steve up to see what made Steve himself. And Steve had let him. Bucky was more to Steve than anyone else had ever been. He was Steve’s comfort zone. Steve had been fucked from day one. Bucky was the best person that Steve had ever known. He trusted Bucky with everything, and he knew the feeling was mutual. Bucky knew everything about Steve, but never once had he used his knowledge against Steve. Bucky was more than Steve’s best friend. Bucky was Steve’s lifeline. And Steve would be damned if he didn’t stick with Bucky until the end.


	17. Chapter 17

“What does your family usually do for Thanksgiving?”'

Steve had lasted a week with his feelings, and hadn’t fucked up too much. He had come close to saying ‘screw it’ and kissing Bucky only twice in the past two days. He counted that as better than constantly thinking about fucking his best friend into the floor. Baby steps.

“Nothing special. We’re kind of big so we usually just follow the American tradition and eat a shit ton of food,” Bucky explained. 

The boys were packing to go home for Thanksgiving break. They put on Netflix in the background, but weren’t really paying attention to it, choosing instead to talk. Which happened more often than not.

“That’s fun. I mean, Thanksgiving food is traditionally delicious, so I’m glad you get to enjoy it.”

“As if you don’t?” Bucky asked with a laugh.

Steve smiled. “I don’t.”

“What do you mean? Your family doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving?”

“We celebrate Thanksgiving, but not in the typical way. Since we moved around a lot, we never really knew where we were going to be around the holidays. Thanksgiving lost it’s meaning to us. Instead of getting together with our extended family and stuffing our faces with turkey, we made our own little tradition.”

“What did you guys do?”

“We would go to a hotel for a few days and order room service for Thanksgiving dinner. Eating steak cooked by other people sure as hell beat arguing about politics with my crazy aunt.”

“That’s actually really cool. I’m jealous. So are you going to be staying in a hotel around here since your mom lives in Maryland?”

“No, we’re changing things up a little bit. Since it’s our first Thanksgiving without my dad, we wanted to honor him. His favorite city is Chicago and we decided to spend a few days there.”

“And Sam is going with you, right?”

Sam had come into their room earlier that week, complaining that he had nowhere to go for Thanksgiving. His parents had moved to California the month after Sam had left for school and they didn’t think it would be a good idea for him to go out there for Thanksgiving. Especially since Christmas break was so soon after. 

Steve had immediately called his mom and asked if Sam could join them. Sarah, of course, said yes. She also asked if Bucky wanted to join them, and Steve had to explain to her yet again that he needed the break from his best friend.

Just a day after he’d realized his feelings for Bucky, Steve had called his mom. The two of them had always been close and it just made sense for Steve to tell his mom everything. 

He waited until Bucky had quidditch and called her. They were on the phone for three hours and Steve cried twice. 

“Yeah, he bought his plane ticket yesterday. My mom is excited to meet someone other than you, to be honest.”

“Hey! Your mom loves me.”

“She does. But she also doesn’t believe me that I have other friends. Sam will be the first one other than you that she’ll have met.”

“I’d like to see your mom meet Natasha.”

“Oh my god, they’d become best friends immediately. I swear they’d be trading secrets within an hour.”

“Your mom is honestly amazing. If I didn’t have a family that forced me to come home and argue about current events, I’d be calling her up and asking if I could join you guys.”

Steve laughed. As much as his mom would love to have Bucky with them over the holiday, it was the las thing he needed. Having Bucky with him and his mom during Thanksgiving would just show him a future that he couldn’t have. As much as he knew that he probably would never have Bucky, it hurt him immensely to picture a future where he would. 

“I’m sure she’d love it. But your family would miss their token homosexual!”

“Hey, just because I’m not straight doesn’t mean I’m the gay cousin.”

“Bucky, if you can’t name a gay cousin, you are the gay cousin.”

“Yeah, well, that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it.”

Both of them started laughing, mostly about the fact that they were the gay cousins of their families. Bucky finished packing and closed his suitcase. He was leaving a day before Steve was, and hated the fact that he had to take a bus home. It was a five hour bus ride from Washington DC to Brooklyn and Bucky really didn’t want to make the trek. 

“Why can’t they just drive down to pick me up?” He asked rhetorically for the third time that day. “If they want to see me so badly, they should make the effort to come get me.”

“They paid for the bus.”

“So? They’re not the ones that have to sit next to a stranger that smells like onions for five hours.”

“Not all strangers smell like onions, Buck.”

“Whatever. I just don’t see why I have to take a bus home. I don’t even want to be there in the first place.”

“Yes you do. You miss Becca. You miss your ma’s homemade cookies. You told me three days ago that you couldn’t wait to eat the mashed potatoes that your grandma makes every year.”

Bucky threw himself on the bed with a huff. “Oh, what good are you?”

Steve stuffed another shirt into his suitcase that was already brimming. He had had this conversation with Bucky already and he knew that Bucky just didn’t like traveling. “Insult me all you want, but you’ll still have to take a bus.”

At that, Bucky grabbed a towel he’d forgotten to pack and threw it at Steve. It hit Steve in the face with a hilarious thumping sound. Steve picked it up from the ground and threw it back at his friend. 

They went on for a while, picking up random clothing items that needed to be packed and aiming for the other’s head. T-shirts and balled up socks littered their floor by the time they were laughing too hard to throw anything else. They spent the next twenty minutes picking up the debris and sorting through what socks belonged to which boy. 

“I know that I’m going to have a good time with my family, I just really don’t want to leave this place.”

“Bucky, you’re only going to be gone for a long weekend. It’s not like you’re never going to come back.”

“I know, I know. I’ve just gotten really used to this place and the people that are here.”

Steve heard a change in Bucky’s voice toward the end of the last sentence. He couldn’t place it, but it seemed like Bucky was genuinely sad to be going home.

“Bucky, just think about how much you’ve missed Becca over the past few months. I know you’ve made a lot of new friends, but your sister wants to see you. And you can’t be an angry mess when you’re with her.”

Bucky smiled. “I do miss her.”

“Exactly. Now, let me pack and think about how much fun I’m going to have in the Windy City without you.”

Bucky threw another pair of socks at Steve.


	18. Chapter 18

Thanksgiving was never something special for Steve’s family. Like he had explained to Bucky, they had never sat down to a large family dinner. Their day of thanks was spent lounging around hotel rooms, eating various snacks, and watching shitty hallmark movies. 

Steve was glad that his family had an unusual tradition. He was also glad that he was getting the opportunity to share that tradition with his friend. 

Sam was thankful for Steve and Sarah taking him in. He had already spent ten minutes of their flight endlessly saying ‘thank you thank you thank you thank you’. Steve was glad that his friend was happy with their thanksgiving plans, but he was getting really tired of the constant string of thanks spouting from Sam’s mouth.

“Alright! You’re thankful. I get it. I don’t mean to be rude, but it’s not like I’ve performed a lifesaving operation. I’m glad you’re happy to be with us. I really am. But please shut up!” Steve didn’t want to hurt Sam’s feelings but he couldn’t handle another ‘thank you’ without exploding.

“I was wondering how long it would take you to get tired of it.” Sam laughed.

“You’re an asshole. But seriously, thank my mom once and then drop it. She’s just the kind of person to think about others before herself. As long as you help out with food and let her know that you’re enjoying yourself, she’ll be content.”

Sarah had left the day before them to scope out their hotel. In all the years they had spent at hotels, she and Steve had become hotel snobs. Sarah especially. They never paid more than they could afford, but they also expected a lot out of their hotel stays. Sarah wanted to make sure that the place they were going to be staying would be fit for her, her son, and her son’s friend.

Sam nodded and pulled out his computer. Their flight was around two hours long and it was the perfect time to get some homework done. It wasn’t a horrible amount of time, but it was enough to drive someone crazy if they were only thinking about their love for their best friend.

Steve was a little bitter. He didn’t want to think about Bucky, but he couldn’t help it. Bucky was all he could think about for the past week. Ever since Steve had figured out what he did, Bucky seemed to be around even more than he was normally. He knew it was because his brain was always focused on Bucky, but it really didn’t help that he was always thinking about telling Bucky how he felt.

Steve really wanted to tell Bucky. It was killing him that he had to keep quiet about the things that were bothering him. He had gotten used to telling Bucky everything, and it was really hard not to explain all the things that were flying around his brain.

It also didn’t help that he was going to be spending an extended weekend with the two people that knew the most about his situation. His mom was always an expert at knowing exactly how Steve was feeling. It was her job as his mother, and she saw to it that he always felt comfortable enough to talk to her about what was going on in his life. He had called his mom more often in the previous week than he did collectively the entire semester. She was extremely supportive and listened when he needed to vent. 

Sam was the one that Steve went to when he couldn’t get a hold of his mom. Sam was also studying to be a therapist. Even though he was only in his first semester of college, he had a talent for helping someone through their problems. He was the one that Steve went to when he was feeling particularly upset. 

The idea of having only his mother and Sam to talk to for five days was a bit daunting. Steve needed to take a break from all things Bucky, but he knew that it probably wouldn’t happen. 

Steve was excited to spend some time in Chicago. He missed his mom, even though she lived so close to his campus. He had gotten so used to it just being the two of them against the world that it seemed weird to him that they hadn’t been spending so much time together. He knew it was normal for a college kid not to see their parents very often, but he missed his mom more than he thought he would.

He had also realized that Bucky had sort of taken his mom’s place in a sense. Obviously, Bucky wasn’t Steve’s mother. But they had a similar relationship. Sometimes Steve felt like it was he and Bucky against the world, and that Bucky had become the most important person in his life. 

It scared Steve to think that in the span of a few months, Bucky had moved up his list of people to be second to Sarah Rogers. It didn’t bode well for Steve that he had fallen so quickly and easily for his best friend. 

“Hey, Steve?” Sam stopped Steve’s train of thought before it could go off the rails completely. “Have you ever been to Chicago?”

“Once. We were moving to Colorado and decided to stay overnight in Chicago. Overnight turned into a weekend because we enjoyed it so much. It’s my dad’s favorite city. We did all the tourist stuff and basically walked the entirety of downtown. I’m sure things have changed since then, but I’m excited to visit the same places that my dad loved so much.”

“Are you sure I’m not imposing on you and your mom? I mean, this should be a special trip for the two of you. I just feel like I’m going to ruin it a little bit.”

“Not at all, Sam. This trip is about honoring my dad. He would be appalled if we had made you stay on campus by yourself. He would’ve loved you and we’re actually glad that you’ll be there with us.”

Sam looked confused. “If it had just been my mom and I, we probably wouldn’t want to travel to all the tourist places that my dad loved. It’s going to be a sad holiday, sure, but we’re glad that we get to spend it with someone other than each other.”

“I get it, I just feel like I really shouldn’t be there with you guys.”

“That’s fair,” Steve knew that it would probably be uncomfortable for Sam. “I’m going to tell you a little secret. My mom said yes to you joining us because she didn’t want you to be without people on Thanksgiving. That’s true. But she also wanted someone other than me there with her. She loves telling stories about my dad, especially since he died. I’ve heard the stories a million times and they’ve kind of lost their magic. Having you there will be great for her. You’re going to have to listen to story after story about my family, and that’s a big reason why I’m not on this flight alone.”

Sam laughed quietly. “I’m glad to be the person to be next to you, then. I have no problem listening to moms tell stories. I just hope that I get some embarrassing stories about you to share with everyone else.”

“Unfortunately, there will be plenty of those.” They both laughed and went back to their homework. Steve was extremely thankful to be friends with Sam. He was a genuinely caring person and the perfect one to bring to meet his mom.

Their flight went by without too much turbulence and they landed at O’Hare airport just 20 minutes after they were scheduled to. Sarah met them at baggage claim. She hugged Steve and kissed him on the cheek, telling him how great the hotel was. When she let go of her son, she hugged Sam as well.

“I’m so glad to meet you, finally!” She told him. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

“Probably not as much as you’ve heard about someone else,” Sam joked.

“So it begins,” Steve groaned.

Both Sam and Sarah laughed. “Don’t worry, sweetie. This won’t be the last time we poke fun at you this weekend.”

As much as Steve was dreading them teaming up on him, he was glad that his mom and his friend were already getting along. Call him skeptical, but he was a little afraid that his mom wouldn’t like Sam. There wasn’t any reason. By all accounts, Sam and Sarah would get along perfectly well. But Steve was always a little anxious about things.

They stuffed their luggage into the rent-a-car and hopped on the highway to drive to their hotel. Steve and Sarah talked about everything and nothing while Sam silently observed their relationship.

“Sam, I have to ask.” Sarah made eye contact with him through the rear view mirror after a few minutes. “What’s your major? I’m sorry, but it’s something that you college kids are obligated to answer. Us adults need to know what kind of life path you’re geared toward and how we should treat you.”

Sam laughed. “I’m majoring in psychology. I want to go into therapy, possibly helping veterans who return to the country.”

Sarah smiled approvingly and told him that was a very respectable goal. Steve was glad that Sam already seemed comfortable around his mom. They started talking about what Sarah did in school and how she always knew she wanted to be a nurse. 

Steve tuned out, having listened to this story countless times. His thoughts, of course, landed on Bucky. He wondered of Bucky was having fun at home. He also wondered whether or not Bucky missed him. It was stupid, but Steve liked to think that he did. He was glad to get a break from the constant presence of his best friend, but he still missed Bucky. 

“Penny for your thoughts,” his mom’s voice brought him back to the real world. 

“It’s nothing, I’m just excited for this weekend,” Steve lied.

“I think he owes you a penny for that response, Mrs. Rogers.”

“You know what, Sam? I think you’re right.” She smiled in the direction of her son. Steve fished around for a penny and placed it in her outstretched hand. They continued harmless banter until they pulled into downtown Chicago. 

“Is that the Willis tower?” Sam asked, pointing out the window. 

“Sears.” Steve and his mom said in unison. 

“Right, the Sears tower. I thought only citizens of Chicago got defensive over that.”

“Normally, yes,” Steve answered. “But it was the Sears tower when we were here last, and my dad refused to call it the Willis tower. He was stubborn and he loved this city. He might as well have been a true Chicagoan.”

Sarah laughed softly. “It was a shame that there wasn’t a military base closer to this city, or we might have lived here permanently.”

They grew silent. Steve thought back to the last time he’d been in the Windy City. He wouldn’t lie, he missed his dad. But being in his dad’s favorite city took a bit of the sting off of the emptiness that Steve felt. It would be hard to get through the holiday, but he was glad that his dad’s presence would at least be felt.

“Alright, we’re staying at the Westin in the middle of the city. It’s right off of Wacker Drive, if that means anything to you. My friend recommended it to me and gave me her employee discount.”

Steve gasped as they got deeper and deeper into the city. It had snowed the day before, so everything was covered in a layer of white. The sun was setting as they drove through the city, and it cast a beautiful glint off the snow. 

“This place is gorgeous,” Sam whispered in awe.

“You can see why we chose to spend Thanksgiving here,” Sarah said with a smile.

They all took in the sights that surrounded them. It was better than Steve remembered. They had been there in the summer before, but it seemed like Chicago was meant to be seen during the winter. 

Sure, it was freezing. It was only November and the temperature had already dropped to below thirty degrees. The wind didn’t make the cold any more pleasant. But the city was beautiful. The snow fell perfectly on the buildings and the sculptures and Steve couldn’t get enough.

They got to their hotel in a surprising amount of time, considering it was the day before Thanksgiving and Chicago traffic was usually horrible. Sarah pulled into the parking garage and parked the car. She helped the boys with their luggage and they all went up to their room. 

“I’m sorry we all have to share one room, but it’s pretty big. I didn’t think you boys would mind.”

“Of course not, Mrs. Rogers. Thank you again for letting me spending this time with you. I’m very grateful for your generosity.”

Steve was about to joke about how Sarah was getting stingy, but his words caught in his throat when she opened the door. 

The room had two beds, a full bathroom, and a living room. Steve walked around the room, taking in everything. It was the nicest hotel room he’d ever been in and he couldn’t believe that his mom had splurged to get this room for them.

“I don’t even want to see the rest of the city, I’d be content with just staying in this room for the entirety of break,” Steve half joked.

“I’d agree with you, but the rest of the city seems just as nice as this hotel room,” Sam replied.

Steve laughed dropped his luggage next to the bed he’d be sleeping on. Sam had already volunteered to take the couch, since he was the guest in their Thanksgiving plans. Sarah objected slightly, but Steve knew she was secretly glad. 

They made plans for the holiday, which mostly included lounging around and eating all the snacks that Sarah had packed. The pool and hot tub area was also added as an option for things to do before the end of the day. All in all, it was meant to be a day of relaxation rather than stress.

Steve had had a long day and he decided to turn in early. Sarah and Sam sat in the living room that was partially separate from the bedroom. They turned on a movie and had a mild mannered conversation while Steve fell asleep. 

Steve was starting to feel the pull of sleep when he heard his mom mention Bucky. He willed away his exhaustion, and pretended he had fallen asleep. 

“Just how bad is this whole situation with Bucky?” she asked Sam.

Steve heard Sam sigh and he knew that Sam was trying to figure out just how much he should tell Steve’s mom. “It’s not an easy thing for Steve to deal with, that much I can tell you. I know that his feelings are extremely strong. They’ve been present for a while, but Steve only recently discovered them. He’s been dealing with the knowledge that he’s in love with Bucky for about a week now.”

Sarah gasped. “He’s in love with him?” 

“Oh my god, I thought you knew.”

“I knew that his feelings were strong, but Steve never used the word ‘love’ when he was talking to me.”

Steve hadn’t told his mom that he was in love with Bucky because he felt it would be slightly disrespectful. His mom had only ever been in love with his dad and he didn’t want her comparing their relationship to Steve’s feelings for Bucky. This weekend was supposed to be about mourning and celebrating his dad. Steve felt that if he had told his mom that he loved Bucky, it would take away from the main purpose. Sure, all he could think about was his best friend, but his dad was still the most important man in Steve’s life. Even if he technically wasn’t in it anymore.

“I don’t know why he wouldn’t, it seems like Steve tells you everything.”

“He usually does. You know, he called me after he went to his first party. He told me that he drank Budweiser…”

“… and you weren’t angry at him for going to a party, you were angry at him for drinking bad beer,” Sam finished.

“He told you that story?”

“He loves you immensely. He thinks very highly of you and talks about you a lot.”

Steve heard his mom laugh softly and he could picture the smile that was on her face. Sam wasn’t lying, Steve did talk about his mom a lot.

“I’m just surprised he didn’t tell me that he loves Bucky,” Sarah said sadly.

“I don’t think it was his intention to hold it from you. He might not have used the word because he figured it was obvious without placing a label on his feelings.”

“It was pretty obvious. You said he only realized these feelings a week ago?” Steve assumed that Sam nodded. “The way he talked about that boy from day one, I knew my Stevie was gone.”

Steve knew he had been obvious. His friends had made that perfectly clear. His mom also knew him better than anyone else. So he wasn’t surprised that his mom had figured it out. But he was a little hurt that she hadn’t said anything. She probably wanted him to figure it out on his own, but she could have at least led him on. His mom had always been there to point him in the right direction, and he wished she had done the same thing with regards to Bucky. 

Steve had stopped listening to the end of their conversation and it had tapered out while he had been thinking. He heard his mom bid Sam goodnight and she walked past his bed to the one she’d be sleeping in. On her way, she made sure to kiss Steve’s forehead.

“I know you’re not asleep,” she whispered low enough for only Steve to hear her. “Sam is a good kid. I’m glad you found him. About Bucky, it’s alright that you love him. But you need to think about yourself sometimes too,” She paused. Steve held his breath, waiting for her to tell him to talk to Bucky. If his mom told him to tell Bucky about his feelings, Steve would probably call his best friend up right there and then. 

Steve heard his mom take a deep breath. “Goodnight, Stevie.”

She walked to her bed and crawled underneath the blanket. He let out the breath he had been holding and rolled over. He felt the exhaustion from the day returning to his brain, and he let himself fall asleep. The last thoughts he had were about future Thanksgivings spent with Bucky and his mom laughing together around a table filled with both traditional holiday food and Sarah’s trademark Thanksgiving snacks.


	19. Chapter 19

Their Thanksgiving had been relaxing to say the least. All three of them had spent the day in their pajamas, only changing out of them once to take a dip in the hotel hot tub. Sarah had kept their stomachs full with a never ending stream of snack food. They had eaten mozzarella sticks, white cheddar popcorn, spinach and feta spanakopita, and countless other delicious foods. They ended the night by topping it all off with a round of room service pizza. 

Steve and his mom had excused themselves for about an hour to honor Steve’s dad. They sat on the balcony, wrapped in numerous layers and drinking hot chocolate. They talked about his dad and how much the missed him. They swapped stories that had been told a million times, and they both ended up crying. The chilly weather made it hard to stay   
warm, but they wanted to experience Chicago the way Steve’s dad would have wanted to. 

Sam was very gracious and even went down to the pool to give Steve and Sarah some privacy. When they finally returned in the room, they found a note from Sam.  
‘He seems like a great man, and I’m glad to live in a country where there are men like him serving’ the note had said.

Sarah broke into a fresh batch of tears when she read the note, saying that Sam was a friend that Steve’s dad would have loved to meet. She was glad that Steve had found such great people at college, and she told him over and over how proud she was of him. And how proud his dad would have been.

Steve was glad they were able to take the time to honor his dad. He really missed him sometimes and it hurt to think that he’d never see him again. Having his mom so close definitely helped, but he was glad they had sat down together to properly mourn. 

They had cleaned up a little and were feeling much better when Sam returned to the room. He didn’t mention anything about Steve’s dad, and Steve was grateful. He joined Sarah in the makeshift kitchen and helped her prepare another round of appetizers.

The next day, the three of them did all the touristy things they could think of. They spent hours at the Museum of Science and Industry, playing with all the hands-on exhibits and acting like children. They also went to the top of the Sears tower and took pictures in the glass boxes that were 1,353 feet above the sidewalk. Sarah took them to the German Christmas market in Daley Plaza and their lunch consisted of brats, cinnamon roasted almonds, and hot chocolate sold in tiny mugs shaped like boots. 

Steve thought about Bucky the entire day. As much fun as he was having with his mom and Sam, he imagined taking Bucky to all of the places they visited. When he was standing on the 103rd floor of the Sears tower, he thought about how much Bucky would love seeing a city beneath his feet. He thought about buying Bucky hot chocolate and taking pictures in front of the giant Christmas tree when they were at the Christkindlmarket.

Steve didn’t let it ruin his day. In fact, it was quite the contrary. He found that he enjoyed imagining a future for himself and Bucky, no matter how far-fetched that idea was. All the places he imagined taking Bucky actually made his day a lot better. Rather than sulking around about his feelings, he used them to his advantage and pictured spending quality time with Bucky.

Their day of adventure and acting like ridiculous tourists ended at the art museum. Sarah told the boys that she’d like to wander alone and that they should meet at the entrance two hours from the time they split. Sam and Steve said goodbye and began their own trek through the enormous building. 

They could have tried to see the entire building in two hours, but they chose to simply wander slowly, enjoying the art as it was meant to be enjoyed. Again, Steve found himself picturing Bucky there with him. Bucky wasn’t an avid art fan, but he had a special place in his heart for Van Gogh. Steve didn’t know where it came from, but they had watched the Van Gogh episode of Doctor Who at least three times in the time that Steve had known him. Bucky couldn’t place it in either, but he just loved Vincent Van Gogh. 

So, when Steve and Sam walked into the wing that contained some of Van Gogh’s works, it was completely reasonable that he thought about Bucky. Steve guessed that his face gave away his thoughts because Sam called him out.

“Whatcha thinkin’ about?” Sam teased, using a high pitched voice.

“Shut up,” Steve wasn’t in the mood to hear the same speech he’d been hearing from people for a week and a half. “Can you just let me live and pine painfully for my best friend?”

“I could do that, but that wouldn’t make the very best wingman.”

“Wingman? What are you talking about?”

Sam gestured to something behind Steve. “That girl has had her eyes on you since we walked into the building.”

Steve turned around nonchalantly, pretending to admire the art and his eyes landed on a very pretty, very small blonde girl. Steve had noticed her a few rooms back, but didn’t realize that she had been essentially stalking him and Sam. 

She made quick eye contact with Steve, then looked away as if nothing had happened. Steve figured that she’d probably end up approaching him sooner or later so he flashed her a charming smile. She took it as a sign to come over and talk to him.

“Hi,” she started. Clever. “I noticed you admiring the Van Gogh in the corner.”

“Yeah, it actually reminds me of someone. My roommate loves the guy and I thought I should see what all the hype is about.”

“Van Gogh is actually my favorite painter, so your roommate and I have that in common.” Steve laughed at her comment. She had no idea how funny it sounded to him. Bucky would never have anything in common with a girl wearing Uggs at the Art Museum. He couldn’t help the judgement he felt toward people who wore Uggs, and he knew that Natasha would get a kick out of the interaction he was experiencing. 

“I’m Emily, by the way.”

“Steve.”

“Well, Steve, do you think you’d like to join me in traveling through the rest of the exhibits?”

Steve glanced back toward Sam. His friend was trying his hardest to look interested in painting, but it was obvious that he was watching Steve. Sam would be fine without him. He turned around with every intention to accept her offer.

Then his eyes fell on the Van Gogh they had been discussing. Guilt shot through him and he politely declined her offer. He apologized and said that, while he’d love to walk around and talk to her about art, he really couldn’t leave his friend. It was a lie, but it was much better than telling her the truth. She looked disappointed, but returned to her friends nonetheless. 

Even though he and Bucky weren’t dating in any way, he had felt extremely guilty just thinking about talking to a different person. He felt like he had cheated on Bucky, but that was ridiculous. 

“What was that?”

“Sam, you should know me better than to suggest a pretty girl to get over Bucky.”

“That’s not at all what I was suggesting! I just wanted to see how far we could take it. See if she’d follow us into some room that just had nude statues and talk about the guys’ junk.”

“You’re a child,” Steve said and walked away from Sam, laughing quietly about his choice of friends. Steve stopped in front of the Van Gogh, and sent a snap chat to Bucky. It in no way compared to the original piece, but Steve knew Bucky would appreciate it. He walked out of the room, attempting to leave Sam behind.

“We could have had such interesting discussions about pencil and paper. We could have asked her about how she thought different apples reacted to different artists,” Sam called after him. 

Steve was already heading onto the next room and he could hear Sam’s voice trying to keep up with him.

“We could have found out her opinion on blood orange!”


	20. Chapter 20

On their last full day in Chicago, Sarah insisted that Sam and Steve experience the city on their own. She had some paperwork she had been avoiding that needed to get done. She convinced them that they’d meet up for dinner, but that the two of them should do everything else they wanted to do before their mini vacation was over. The boys talked it over and decided to take her up on her offer. They would meet up for a proper Chicago dinner of deep dish pizza at the one and only Pizzeria Uno. 

They started their day at Navy Pier. Neither of them wanted to shell out money to take a boat onto the lake, especially with the temperature slowly dropping. Instead, they walked around, stopping to buy cinnamon roasted almonds, and ended up on the Ferris wheel. Steve looked out over the city as the got closer and closer to the top and thought about Bucky again. 

Bucky would love to sit at the top of the enormous ride, feeling like he was on top of the world. Steve made a deal with himself. If anything were to happen between him and Bucky, not that it ever would, he would definitely take Bucky on a trip to Chicago. Steve knew there probably wasn’t a future where he got to do that, but it was nice to think about one nonetheless. 

Steve and Sam left the pier and took a bus back down to the heart of the city. They got off on Michigan Avenue, and decided to see what all the fuss was about. After traveling up and down the Magnificent Mile, and carefully avoiding crazed shoppers, Steve and Sam found themselves wandering around the general vicinity of their hotel. They followed a large group of people that looked like a mix of tourists and citizens, and ended up in Millennium Park. Steve remembered the last time he’d been there and all but broke into a run to see one of the main attractions of the city.

Sam trailed behind him and they found themselves in a clearing that led to the object of their desire. Steve saw it first, and a smile spread across his face. Sam followed close behind him, and Steve heard Sam huff out an impressed sound.

“Is that…?”

“That’s the bean, my friend.”

The boys walked closer to the bean, admiring the various groups walking around it. The bean resembled its name very well. Steve didn’t know where it had come from, or whose idea it had been, but the bean was modern art at its finest. It was a giant statue, in the shape of a jelly bean. The entire outer surface was a mirror. It was possible to walk underneath the statue itself and find countless versions of yourself staring back at you from every angle.

People traveled hundreds of miles to take distorted pictures of themselves in front of something that looked very much like a deformed ass. Steve loved it. 

“We have to take a picture,” Sam breathed out as he caught his breath.

“That’s the thing about this statute. You know you look like an idiot, but it really doesn’t matter because everyone else around you also looks like an idiot. You simply have to get a picture of yourself in front of this thing.”

Sam walked up to a really tall guy with long blonde hair and asked if he’s take their picture. He agreed and took Sam’s phone. Sam and Steve began posing in multiple different ways while the man clicked away on the camera app. They hoped at least one would turn out well.

“I took a lot,” the man said as he handed the phone back to Sam. He had a weirdly Nordic accent and Sam thanked him. 

Sam flipped through the pictures and they laughed at how idiotic they looked. Steve then led Sam underneath the bean and they took a few more pictures of their reflections. 

“This is one of the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” Sam remarked while watching a group of girls trying to make a pyramid in front of the statue.

“It’s such a remarkable thing. I mean, look at it. It’s really not that interesting. Yet all these people are fascinated with it.”

After discussing the actions of people and how the bean reflected the selfish nature of their culture, Steve stood up and led Sam down a flight of stairs.

“Okay, so the next thing I want to show isn’t going to be as great. It’s better to see in the summer time, but it’s something that you have to experience when you’re in this city.” 

They turned left and found two tall rectangles at opposite ends of what looked like a pool. 

“Are those faces?”

“Yep! Each giant screen shows different faces at different times of the day. It’s better in the summer because this entire thing acts like a fountain. Water fills up to your ankles in the area between them.”

“Where does it come from?”

“Most of it falls down from the top and flows over the faces themselves. Sometimes, if you’re lucky enough, one of the faces will shoot a stream of water out of its mouth.”

“That sounds like so much fun.”

Steve agreed. He’d like to visit again in the summertime to see the actual functionality of the faces. He thought it would be pretty funny to watch people interact with the fountains and play in the water.

They sat down on a bench outside of the fountain. Steve noticed construction crews working to build the ice skating ribbon that flowed through Millennium Park during the winter. He pointed it out to Sam and they lamented over the fact that they would miss it. 

The sun was starting to set and Steve called his mom. They agreed to meet at the restaurant in an hour, so Steve started to find the quickest bus route there.

They ended up getting on the wrong bus, and having to switch over. Sam mocked Steve as they switched buses, but they were laughing the whole time. There was a certain happiness in the air of the city that made it nearly impossible to stay angry about anything. 

They finally made it to the restaurant with 15 minutes to spare, but saw that Sarah had already arrived and gotten them a table. Steve walked in and sat next to his mom.

“I already ordered the pizza, since it takes so long to bake.”

“What toppings did you get on it?” Sam asked as he sat down across from Steve.

“Sausage and green peppers,” Sarah answered. “Although technically the toppings aren’t really on top.”

Steve laughed excitedly. “I have been waiting so long to eat this pizza. Since they day we agreed to spend Thanksgiving here, I have thought of nothing else besides Chicago deep dish pizza.”

Sam shot him a look that said ‘you’re full of shit’ and Sarah laughed quietly.

“Sweetie, we all know that you’ve had plenty on your mind besides pizza.”

Steve felt blood rush to his face as Bucky’s face appeared in his mind. His mom was right, pizza definitely took a back seat to his best friend. “Whatever, I’m still excited to eat it.”  
They fell into a conversation about what Steve and Sam had done that day, and Sarah listened intently. Steve recapped most of the events with Sam throwing in comments and funny stories about the people they had seen. 

Steve’s mom kept her eyes on Steve for most of the time they were talking. She sensed that something was a little off in the way he was describing what he had experienced.   
They finished talking about the guy who had tried to sell them his mixtape, when Sarah asked if Steve was feeling okay.

“Yeah, mom. I’m fine. Why?”

“I don’t know. Call it a mother’s intuition but you seem a little bit off today. Like you’re not feeling one hundred percent like you.”

Steve looked down at the table, knowing exactly what she was talking about. He wasn’t sad or upset, but his mom was right. He didn’t feel like himself. Ever since he had realized his feelings for Bucky, he’d been thinking a lot about who he was. Not in an existential dread kind of way, just thinking about what about Bucky attracted Steve so much. 

He was about to open his mouth and explain himself when their waiter brought out the pizza. He saw Sam’s eyes light up at the sight of the food, and decided to save that conversation for later. They each took a piece and dug in.

There was silence at their table for a few minutes as they savored their first bites. Steve wasn’t lying, he had been thinking about this pizza since he knew he was going to be eating it. There was something about deep dish pizza that made Steve feel good. He had tried deep dish in places that weren’t Chicago, but it was never the same. There was something about the atmosphere of the city that made it that much more special. 

After they had all taken a few bites and gotten used to the deliciousness, their conversation picked up again. 

“So, what were you saying before we got the food?” Sam asked. 

Steve sighed. He thought he’d be able to avoid the topic, but he figured it would come up eventually. They had gone almost four days together without having a real conversation about him and Bucky. It was only a matter of time before either Sam or his mom brought it to his attention. He knew they wanted to talk about it and ask him questions.

“I’ve just been thinking of Bucky a lot. I mean, that’s obvious. But everything we’ve done this weekend made me think about him. I’ve been thinking about bringing him here and going on dates and actually being able to express my feelings outwardly, instead of just talking about them to you guys.”

His mom’s eyes had started tearing up and Steve immediately regretted bringing it up. He hated seeing his mom cry, no matter the reason. 

“Aw, ma. Don’t cry. I know it’s pathetic but it nothing to get sad over.”

“No! No I’m not crying about that, Stevie. I’m just so proud of you. You’re growing up to be such a brave young man and I’m glad you’ve found someone that you think you can love.”

Steve noticed that she slipped in the word ‘love’ and guilt was added to the list of emotions he was already feeling. He hadn’t meant to keep that from her. “I do love him. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

Sarah shook her head. “Don’t worry about it. I understand.”

“Why do you think you’re picturing this future?” Sam asked. He was obviously comfortable enough in their family dynamic to add his voice to their conversation.

“I don’t know, maybe because I’m in love with him?” Steve couldn’t help the sarcasm that came out of his mouth. 

“Okay, yeah. But is this future realistic for you guys? Do you think it can actually happen? Are you picturing this as your specific future, or are you picturing it now because you don’t think it’ll ever happen?” 

Sam was really good at asking the right questions to get Steve thinking. Because Steve didn’t really know. He was too caught up in the thoughts themselves to examine their meaning. 

“I honestly can’t give an answer to that. I’ve only really been thinking about him in a different way for two weeks. I don’t exactly know what our relationship is at this point and I’m not sure I can figure that out without being around him more. 

They continued discussing Steve’s feelings. Both his mom and Sam asked him questions about how he felt, but he couldn’t give them definitive answers. They did their best to give him advice, but Steve didn’t want to listen to what they were suggesting.

“All I’m saying is you should at least think about talking to Bucky,” Sam said around a mouthful of pizza. “You seem to want to figure this all out, but I don’t think you can do that without talking to him.”

“I want to figure out how my feelings for him fit into the grand scheme of my life. I don’t think talking to him at this point, before I know what I want, will result in something good.”

Steve was happy that both Sam and his mom cared enough about him that they were trying to help him out of his predicament. But he was also stubborn and didn’t want to accept the help they were offering. Steve knew he was slightly masochistic, but he wanted to suffer through the agony of loving Bucky. 

It didn’t seem worth it to him to find a quick fix. Bucky was worth more to Steve than that. He wanted to understand just what caused the feelings he had and find a way to work through them by himself. He couldn’t explain that to the people at the table with him, though. For as caring and helpful they were, they wouldn’t be able to understand exactly how Steve felt. He wanted to suffer because of his feelings. It just seemed logical to him. 

Their conversation tapered off after they had each said their piece. They finished eating and walked back to the hotel together. The walk was a little far for the weather, but they didn’t mind. Downtown Chicago seemed to always be moving, no matter what time of day it was. 

Steve let himself get caught up in the rush of people going from point A to point B. He watched as people jogged past him, wearing heels and talking rapidly on their cell phones. Taxis rushed through yellow lights, determined to find their next passenger. Even the CTA buses sped around the city. Steve loved the constant motion and found himself wondering about the individual people that whizzed past him.

Were they in love? Did they like deep dish pizza? What was their life goal? Steve followed his mom down State St. and thought about the complexity of the human race.   
They got back to their hotel and started packing. They were going to be flying out the next morning and they needed to make sure that they were ready for the 9am flight.   
Steve sat down on his bed and began folding his t-shirts. His mom and Sam had stricken up a conversation about some TV show they both watched. He half-listened as he prepared himself for the next day. 

The flight would be short, but it wasn’t the plane ride he was worried about. As much as he needed a break away from the constant presence of his best friend, Steve was excited to see Bucky again. He missed his roommate just a little bit, even though they’d been texting and snapchatting all weekend. 

Feelings and anxiety aside, Steve was ready to see his best friend.


	21. Chapter 21

“James,” Natasha exhaled. “ _I need you to do me a favor_.”

Steve had learned a while ago that Natasha was the only one allowed to calm him James. He’d tried it as a joke once and had nearly wound up with a broken arm.

“ _And what would that be_?”

Bucky seemed to be the only person that wasn’t afraid of Natasha. Even Clint walked on eggshells around her, and they had been dating for weeks.

“ _I need you to stalk someone for me_.”

Steve thought the two of them had some sort of understanding of each other that no one else could pick up on. Maybe it had something to do with the Russian roots in both of their families.

“ _Who and why?_ ”

Bucky’s family had moved to America long before his time, but they still had some of the Russian culture left. Bucky even knew how to speak a little Russian. At least enough to carry a conversation.

“Jane. _She’s going on a date with someone she met on tinder and she wants silent company while it happens._ ”

Natasha had a different experience. Her family had only moved to America a generation before hers, so they were still very much involved in their culture.

“ _Why can’t you do it?_ ”

Everyone that met her swore that she had been employed as a spy before she’d gone to college. Steve knew that was only one level of her. Around Bucky, Natasha acted more like an old Soviet grandma.

“ _Because I’m busy and you owe me from that time I let you copy my physics homework._ ”

Sometimes, Natasha would come over and lay in Bucky’s bed while he did homework. Steve never felt excluded though, she seemed to like him and treated him as an extension of Bucky. Steve guessed, in her mind, he probably was.

“ _Ugh, fine._ ”

Natasha kissed Bucky on the cheek and left their room, stopping only to wave a brief goodbye to Steve.

“What was that about?”

The two of them had been speaking Russian the entire time and he hadn’t wanted to interrupt in case it was important.

“We have to go to Starbucks and watch Jane’s tinder date from a safe distance away to make sure she doesn’t get killed.”

“We?”

“Yes, we. Now get your coat.”

***

Jane’s date was something. Steve wasn’t sure whether he was terrified or turned on by the blonde sitting opposite Jane. He obviously worked out, the bro tank that hung off his shoulders perfectly displayed his toned muscles.

“Holy shit, I want a piece of that,” Bucky whispered as he sat down. Steve noticed that he had gotten a Cinnamon Dolce Latte. He smiled to himself.

“Yeah, I’m kind of upset Jane got to him before I did.”

They fell into silence and watched as Jane flirted with the hunk across from her. She didn’t seem to be having any trouble, but Steve didn’t want to leave early in case something went wrong. The man seemed oddly familiar, but Steve couldn’t exactly place where he’d seen him before.

“You never told me about what you did in Chicago,” Bucky pointed out after a few minutes of silence. He was staring at Steve over his coffee cup.

“I was texting you the entire time I was there. You know about everything I did.”

“Yeah, but I want to know how you feel about it. Did your mom like Sam? How many couples were at the bean? Is deep dish pizza as good as people make it out to be?”

“Bucky, chill. You know the answers to all those questions. What do you really want to know?”

Bucky silently chewed on his lip. “I just…”

“Buck, what is it?”

“Did you have more fun with Sam than you do with me?” his voice was small and unsure. Steve felt his heart squeeze with emotion.

“Oh my god. Is this why you won’t hang out with me and Sam? You think I like him better than you?” _There’s no way._

“No! It’s not like that I’m just—”

“Bucky.” _Not possible_.

“Yeah, a little bit.”

“Who knew James Buchanan Barnes would be the jealous type?” Steve joked. _What?!_

“Shut up. It’s not like I don’t want you to have other friends. I do! But you’re my best friend and I guess I want to be yours too…” Bucky trailed off, obviously embarrassed about his feelings.

“Buck, look at me.” He lifted his head to meet Steve’s gaze. “You are my best friend. If I had to choose only one person to spend the rest of my life with, it would be you.”

Steve watched Bucky’s cheeks flare up and felt all kinds of feelings in the lower region of his body. Before he could tend to those problems, a thought popped into his head.

“Chicago!”

Bucky jerked and stared at Steve in confusion. “What?”

“Chicago! That’s where I know that guy from. He took pictures of me and Sam in front of the bean!”

Bucky continued to look at Steve like he had three heads.

“I’ll bet you if I go talk to him, he’ll have a weird accent that sounds like it shouldn’t belong in this world,” Steve stood up.

“Don’t you dare go ruin Jane’s date!” Bucky snapped at him and grabbed his arm.

Steve froze and sat back down. His arm felt alarmingly and annoyingly warm. He rubbed at it, pretending Bucky had injured him.

“Oh, get over it you big baby,” Bucky picked up his coffee and turned his attention to Jane and the mysterious stranger.

Steve let his eyes glance over his friend. Not much had changed since he’d left for Thanksgiving break, but he felt more in control of his emotions. It was still painful as hell and he screamed into his pillow whenever Bucky wasn’t around, but he was learning to live with it.

“I honestly think she’s going to be fine,” Steve mused. At that moment, Jane glanced over at them and made two thumbs up. He recognized that as the symbol for ‘I’m gonna be okay you guys don’t have to be here anymore’.

“Yeah, and my coffee is getting cold anyway,” Bucky pouted.

They both stood up and made their way to the bus stop. They were mostly silent on their way back to the dorm, but Steve loved their ability to live in silence around one another.

Tony was watching some old Christmas movie when they got back, and Steve was far from surprised when both he and Bucky sat down immediately. Tony wordlessly passed them popcorn and they stayed silent until the end of the movie.

“How was Jane’s date?” Tony asked as the credits started to roll.

“Uneventful on our end,” Bucky stretched and Steve caught a glimpse of his torso. He tried to hide his reaction.

“But far from it on theirs,” he added.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he was down the hall from us right now.”

Tony nodded approvingly and stood up. “I have a lot of homework to do so I’m gonna go to sleep,” he announced. He walked into his room without another word.

Steve and Bucky shared an incredulous glance as they both followed suit. There was still light left in the day, but that didn’t matter to Tony.

Bucky laid down on his bed and stretched out his body. He sighed and glanced over at Steve. “So have you thought about going on any dates?”

“What?”

“I don’t know, watching Jane today got me thinking. You haven’t gone on any dates since that one girl from your math class.”

“I never went on a date with her, you scared her away with your vulgar description of our sex life.”

Steve saw a small smile cross Bucky’s face. “That’s my point, though. You haven’t dated anyone since we started school.”

“Okay, so I haven’t dated anyone. Why is this all of a sudden on your brain?” Steve couldn’t help the butterflies that were spreading through his stomach.

“I’m not sure. It just doesn’t really make sense to me. I mean, look at you! You’re hot as hell and no one has noticed that?” Bucky wasn’t looking at Steve, choosing instead to pick at his finger nails.

Steve’s nerves were off the chart. He didn’t want to jump to any conclusions, but he couldn’t help the thoughts that were creeping into his brain. Bucky was thinking about how Steve hadn’t dated anyone. Bucky thought that Steve is ‘hot as hell’? What was happening?

“I guess there hasn’t been anyone that I wanted to date,” Steve lied. He tried to keep his voice even.

Bucky hummed, still staring at his nails. “What about that girl from the third floor, what’s her name?”

“Sharon?”

“Yeah.”

“What about her?” Confusion seeped into Steve’s thoughts.

“Well, I see you guys walking together on campus and she’s stopped by a few times...”

It was the second time that day that Bucky was showing a jealous side. Steve had no idea how to handle it.

“We have a class together. I’m not all that interested in her,” Steve replied. The atmosphere in their room had changed and it was beyond awkward. “But it’s whatever. I don’t really want to talk about this anymore.”

Bucky nodded and sat up. “Sorry to bring it up, it was just on my mind.”

Steve sat down on his bed and turned on the TV at the foot of his bed.

“What do you want to watch?”

“Parks and Rec?”

“Sure,” Steve flipped through Netflix and sat back.

Bucky glanced over and made a joke about something on the show. Steve laughed and they clicked back into their usual routine. He didn’t want to think about the implications of their conversation, but he knew that it would be the subject of his late night thoughts.

He was getting better at keeping things bottled inside and talking to Sam about everything when he needed to. But it was getting harder and harder to keep everything straight around Bucky. Especially when they had conversations like the one they just had.

Steve wasn’t afraid to talk to his friend about sensitive topics, but he also didn’t want to cross the line and end up confessing his love. It was a hard way to live, but he was glad he could still be around his best friend.


	22. Chapter 22

The first time Steve fought Bucky was heartbreaking.

Bucky didn’t know, but there was a terrible tension building up inside Steve. He was dealing with the awful feeling of unrequited love and it was getting pretty hard to deal with. Bucky wasn’t helping.

Steve knew that there was nothing between them, but he couldn’t help but notice the little things that could say otherwise. Steve felt like a teenage girl in a shitty movie, because his heart leapt at the smallest of things. Namely, eye contact. God, Steve hated himself for it but he started to notice the prolonged eye contact he and Bucky held. 

It wasn’t like Steve was hoping for anything, though he kind of was, he just loved basically everything about Bucky. And he couldn’t ignore the feeling he got in his stomach every time Bucky held his gaze just a little longer than normal. He knew he was being dumb and obsessive, but it wasn’t like he was stalking Bucky or anything. 

He didn’t really have to. They lived together.

Steve was hopelessly, desperately in love and he had no clue how to go about dealing with it. 

It didn’t help that everything Bucky did made him fall in love just a little further. Bucky could be brushing his teeth and Steve’s stomach would be doing flips. It annoyed him to no end and he couldn’t do anything about it. 

Everything he tried to do in order to sort out his feelings ended up backfiring. Sam helped him talk through the situation, but it never really calmed Steve down. He stopped talking to Sam about Bucky, but his anxieties about their friendship only grew. Steve resolved to talk to Sam, even if it meant no concrete solutions. 

He spent more time with Bucky, thinking he could understand the best ways to work through everything. That only ended up in constant butterflies in his stomach and multiple R-rated scenarios crossing his mind. 

He tried spending less time with Bucky. This worked a little bit better, but he found himself fondly missing his best friend. It was the best way for Steve to deal with his unrequited feelings, but it also meant he’d be away from the person he trusted most. 

Steve tried just about everything he could think of, but nothing solved his constant need to be near Bucky. 

Bucky, to his credit, pretended not to notice any of the minor changes Steve was making in their relationship. He went along with whatever Steve suggested, hanging out with him whenever Steve asked. But Bucky knew that something was going on with Steve. He may not have realized the reason, but it was clear that Bucky was worried about him and whatever was going through his head. 

He really wished he could tell Bucky everything. 

One night, Bucky seemed on edge, and Steve couldn’t figure out why. Bucky couldn’t seem to sit still, moving from his bed, to his desk chair, to the floor, then back to his bed. At one point, he even walked out of the room and returned ten minutes later, looking even more anxious. Steve was about to ask him if something was up when Bucky opened his mouth.

“What’s going on with us?” Bucky just about yelled.

Steve was surprised by both the question and the volume in which it was asked. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, what’s going on with us? What is happening that we’re acting like this?”

Steve’s heart was racing. Bucky had figured it out. Bucky knew that Steve was in love with him and was finally ready to confront him about it. To let him down and make sure Steve knew they were only friends.

“I don’t understand,” Steve tried to keep his voice steady.

“We’re best friends, Steve. Jesus Christ. Why do I have to walk on eggshells around you lately? You’re acting like a fucking wounded puppy whenever you’re around me and I can’t for the hell of me figure out why.”

Steve tried to hide his surprise. Bucky didn’t know. Bucky was genuinely confused. He could work with this.

“I’m just not having the best semester,” Steve claimed. It wasn’t a lie, it just technically wasn’t the whole truth.

“Steve, I know your grades are fine. What is this really about?”

“It’s not my grades that are the problem.”

“Then what is it?”

Steve thought for a moment. He could come out and tell Bucky everything. It would be in the open and he could deal with it from there. 

“I have feelings for someone and I don’t think they reciprocate,” Steve’s voice was barely above a whisper.

Bucky’s face fell for a second before he perked up and smiled at his friend. 

“Feelings? Steven Grant Rogers has feelings for another human being? Is that even possible? Call the cops because I think we have a case of stolen identity!” Bucky laughed to himself.

Steve looked up at his friend, suddenly very angry. How dare Bucky belittle him like that? There was no way he was going to come clean now. Not after Bucky made it perfectly clear that he saw Steve as an emotion-less machine.

“What the hell, Buck?”

Bucky stopped laughing and looked at Steve. “What?”

“What do you mean, what? I tell you something personal and you smash it to pieces!”

“That’s not what I was trying to do,” Bucky sounded hurt.

“Yes it was! You obviously don’t think of me as someone that can actually love another human being. I’m just a robot programmed to follow you around!” Where did that come from?

Bucky was speechless. All he seemed capable of doing was watch Steve with a confused expression on his face.

“I get that you’re a big shot on campus and that you think everyone should worship you, but I’m tired of playing into your games. You’re an asshole that needs a reality check. The world doesn’t revolve around you!” Stop talking, Rogers.

That seemed to snap Bucky out of whatever state of shock he’d been in. Tears started to fill his eyes.

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Why are you acting like such a dick all of a sudden?”

“Someone needed to tell you the truth.” What the actual fuck is wrong with you.

“The truth? What, that I’m a narcissist? That I’ve finally overcome my self-hatred that I can see myself as real human being that deserves respect? Or is it the fact that that you think I’m a whore and that I expect everyone to treat me like a king? Is that the truth you’re trying to get at?”

Steve’s stomach was sinking lower and lower, knowing that this wasn’t going to end peacefully. He had no idea where his outburst had come from but he’d started something he wasn’t ready to finish.

“I don’t think you’re a whore—” 

“Yes you do!” Bucky shouted. “I see it in your face every time I so much as mention that I find someone attractive. You know that I’m demisexual yet you still judge me for my past.”

“I don’t—”

“I guess it’s my fault for telling you everything. I should’ve known that you’d end up slut shaming me as well. I just thought you were better than that.”

“I am better than that!” Steve countered, suddenly angry again. “Stop fucking interrupting me!”

“Aw, is Stevie mad that he got caught thinking badly of someone?” Something in Steve jolted painfully when he heard his nickname in this unfamiliar context. “Is he scared that I’m gonna tell his mommy?”

“Shut up!” Steve was beyond angry at this point. Bucky had no right taking his comments out of context and once again belittling him. 

Bucky held his tongue and looked at him expectantly. Steve realized he’d never had the high-ground in the fight. As soon as he’d insulted Bucky, he’d lost any chance of ever repairing the damage he’d caused by bringing up his emotions.

He stared at Bucky, not knowing what to say. His anger coursed through him, but it didn’t help him form an argument. Bucky noticed this and took small steps toward Steve, keeping his gaze locked. Bucky’s lower lip was pouted and his eyes were wide open. It fueled Steve’s anger that he couldn’t stop staring at his best friend. But no matter how angry it made him, words refused to form in his mouth.

Steve would be extremely turned on if he wasn’t so angry. Bucky’s body was pressed up against his and Steve could feel his breath on his face. Bucky was holding his gaze, daring him to say something. Steve remained silent.

“I can’t fucking believe you,” Bucky spat as he backed away, his composure breaking. “You’re not going to say anything? I know your apple-pie attitude is fucking fake! Show me that you actually feel something!”

Steve took a deep breath, willing himself to calm down. He really didn’t want to fight with Bucky anymore, but it seemed like he wasn’t going to get a choice in the matter. 

Bucky scrunched up his face and nodded slightly. He knew Steve wouldn’t stick up for himself. That pushed Steve over the edge. 

“You want me to say something? How about the fact that you’re extremely childish? You literally cannot handle your own problems! You rely on me for everything and it’s getting pretty fucking annoying!”

Bucky huffed in surprise. 

“What?” Steve shot back. “Did you not expect me to have actual feelings? I’m fucking tired of dealing with your problems for you. Grow a pair and leave me the fuck alone!” 

Steve pushed Bucky away and headed for the door.

“Where do you think you’re going?!”

“Why do you care? I’m my own person, Bucky. I don’t need to be tied to your waist twenty-four seven!”

“No! You don’t get to just walk away. You have to stay here and face the shit you’ve caused.”

“I’ve caused? I caused this?”

“Yeah, you did, Steve. You’ve been so distant lately. If you hated me, the least you could do was tell me!”

“I don’t hate you, Bucky.” I kind of opposite of hate you. That’s the problem.

“It sure seems like it.”

“Yeah, well I guess you don’t know me well enough to know what I really think.”

“That’s the problem! You’re so fucking closed off to the world. We get it, you loved a girl and you had to move away. Who the fuck cares? We’ve all gone through hardship, Steve. You’re not a special snowflake that gets to parade around without consequence just because your dad died in combat!”

Steve felt his stomach drop to the floor. Tears spilled over and he didn’t fight them. He couldn’t believe that Bucky actually said that. Before Bucky could say anything else, Steve punched him. 

He didn’t stay to see what happened. As soon as he felt his fist make contact, he turned away and ran. He didn’t know where to go, but he couldn’t stay there with Bucky. He grabbed his keys and his coat and left. He thought about going to Sam’s but it would be too easy for Bucky to find him there. He decided to just walk until he could figure out a destination. 

The cold air whipped around him as he wandered aimlessly through campus. The tears that had risen to the surface were now in full force. He couldn’t stop the constant stream that was pouring from his eyes. Steve’s whole body wracked with sobs but he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

Bucky had gone too far. Some small part of Steve knew that Bucky hadn’t really meant it, but the majority of him only felt hatred toward his roommate. 

Steve’s mouth tasted sour as his brain replayed the fight they had had. Luckily, he was close to a garbage can when he felt his stomach churn. He made it to the trash right as he felt the vomit come up. 

He hadn’t thrown up since that party, and his throat burned afterwards. He coughed a little bit and walked away before he could smell it. His thoughts wandered back to Bucky and his stomach turned again. Bucky was his best friend and it looked like that was going to change. Steve knew he couldn’t forgive Bucky anytime soon, but he also didn’t want to lose his closest friend. 

Steve found himself at the music building and walked inside. The Center for Performing Arts was his second home on campus. He didn’t have to think about his path as he walked upstairs and into a practice room. It was late on a weeknight so he knew not many people would be fighting over the practice space. 

The closest room to the stairway was open, so Steve walked in a shut the door behind him. He felt comforted by the tiny square room and sunk to the floor in the corner.  
He let himself start crying again, not caring about the noise he was making. He hadn’t seen anyone when he walked in, so he assumed there weren’t many people around. He thought about everything that had happened with Bucky and the tears flowed easily. 

In hindsight, it was probably Steve’s fault that everything had escalated so quickly. He hadn’t meant to start yelling at Bucky, but from the built up tension and the off-handed comments Bucky had made, something in Steve had snapped. He replayed their fight over and over again, thinking about the consequences to come. Their friendship was going to change, that much he knew. Steve just wasn’t ready to comprehend that he might lose Bucky over something stupid he had done.

Steve hadn’t cried this hard since his dad had passed. He knew that his emotions were all over the place, and he let himself sink deeper and deeper into his sadness. He was so focused on his thoughts that he didn’t hear the door creak open. 

“Rogers?”

Steve snapped his head up and found his band director looking down at him, a worried expression on his face. 

“Oh, umm, sorry Director Fury. I just, umm, needed to get out of my room.”

Fury still looked worried, but Steve knew he wasn’t one to talk about feelings. He was surprised that the director even knew who he was since there were over 200 people in the band.

“I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but whatever caused you to feel like this should probably not stay in it for much longer.”

Steve nodded, not knowing what to say. The director stood in the doorway for another moment. 

“You’re a good kid, Rogers. And I don’t like seeing my students like this. I know you’ll take care of this.”

Again, Steve nodded. 

“Good. I’ll see you at rehearsal tomorrow,” Fury said and turned around to leave.

Steve didn’t know what to make of the interaction, but he was kind of glad that it had happened. He didn’t want to talk about his problems, but it helped knowing that someone cared. 

He let himself sit in the practice room for a while longer before his phone buzzed in his pocket. He fished it out, expecting to see a text from Bucky, but instead he saw Sam’s name. 

-I heard yelling a while back and I just wanted to see if you were alright.-

Steve smiled. Sam had waited long enough for a majority of Steve’s pain to subside. Steve opened up the messaging app and responded. 

-Not so much. Can I sleep on your couch tonight?-

Sam immediately responded with a yes and Steve stood up to leave. He didn’t like the idea of going back to his dorm just yet, but it was getting late and he didn’t want to keep  
Sam awake.

Steve made his way back through campus and through the building to Sam’s room. He passed Natasha’s suite and heard what he thought was Bucky crying. He pushed the sound out of his mind and walked faster to other end of the hall. 

Sam opened the door right after Steve knocked and Steve collapsed into Sam’s arms. They weren’t the type of friends to hug, but Sam was offering comfort that Steve needed, so he shut up and accepted it. 

They didn’t speak after they broke contact. Sam gestured to the couch and asked if Steve needed anything else. Steve shook his head. Sam nodded, walked into his room, and shut the door. 

Steve was thankful that he had Sam. If his relationship with Bucky fell through, it was nice to know that he’d still have Sam to hang around with. As Steve though about Bucky, his stomach dropped and everything came rushing back. Not wanting to throw up in someone else’s room, he laid down on the shitty dorm room couch, and pretended not to think about Bucky for the rest of the night.


	23. Chapter 23

Steve woke up the next morning with a pounding headache. If he hadn’t known better, he’d have guessed that he was super hungover. But the pain was different than an overabundance of alcohol in his body. This pain was familiar.

It was the same kind of headache he got after his dad died. 

He forced himself to sit up. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and scanned the room for a water source. Steve knew that crying took a hell of a lot out of him and that he’d need to replenish himself.

There were sounds of a person moving around in one of the bedrooms and Steve didn’t know who was going to walk out of a room first. He’d memorized Tony’s and Bucky’s schedules, but hadn’t bothered to think about the guys across the hall. 

When Bruce walked out of his room looking groggy and extremely annoyed, he was a little relieved. Steve didn’t want to face Clint or Phil about what had happened the night before. Bruce seemed genuinely uninterested in Steve’s presence on his couch, and that comforted Steve a bit. He watched as the boy shuffled into the bathroom. 

Steve decided that he should go back to his room sooner rather than later. He figured it’d be like pulling off a Band-Aid—you have to do it quickly and ignore the pain or else it’ll never happen. He really didn’t want to face Bucky, but he’d have to if he was going to be a normal functioning member of society.

He couldn’t help that they lived in the same room, but he could probably work around what he knew about Bucky’s schedule to make sure they were only ever together when they were asleep.

This was all assuming that neither of them would apologize. Which was a fair assumption, knowing who they were as people.

Steve texted Sam, thanking him for letting him stay the night and explaining why he’d left so early. Steve desperately wanted to shower. He hadn’t since the day before and he wanted to wash out all the physical and mental grime he’d collected. It was still pretty early and Bucky didn’t have class until eleven. Steve thought he could get in and out of their room undetected and be able to enjoy a shower without having to deal with Bucky in the meantime.

The truth was, Steve wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about the whole situation. He was definitely angry at Bucky for the awful things he’d said about Steve’s dad. Then again, Steve had said some pretty awful things as well. 

He wasn’t anywhere near ready to forgive Bucky, but also really didn’t want to fight with his friend. Not only did they have to deal with living together for the rest of the year, Steve would lose someone he never imagined losing. He’d sincerely believed that Bucky would be in his life until the day he died. It was starting to look like that may not be the case.  
Steve entered his dorm as quietly as he could and found Bucky asleep. He grabbed a towel and jumped in the shower. While he rinsed himself of the vomit he’d collected, he tried his hardest not to think about Bucky. But, of course, that failed. Steve tried thinking of literally anything else, but his thoughts always wandered back to Bucky, He blames himself mostly, his brain was used to thinking about his best friend all the time. Just never in this context. 

He had no idea how to deal with his emotions. He was used to having strong feelings toward Bucky, but they had never been negative. Since the cuddling incident, he’d learned how to keep his emotions intact. But he was having trouble keeping his anger contained.

As he showered he replayed the night before over and over in his head. Each time it seemed to get worse. He knew it wasn’t healthy to be so fixated on the events, but he couldn’t help himself. It’s not like he wanted to talk it out with Bucky. They hadn’t had enough time to cool off. 

So Steve thought over everything that had happened and every way he could have avoided blowing up like he had. Guilt and anger swirled around in his gut, neither one defeating the other. He felt like absolute shit and there was basically nothing he could do about it.

He finished up his shower in a huff, still having no idea how to go about fixing the problems before him. Bucky was still asleep so he got dressed as quickly and quietly as he could. He grabbed everything he needed for the day and walked to the library.

If he couldn’t fix his relationship with his roommate, the least he could do was get some homework done. 

***

Steve was miserable. He wasn’t sleeping, he wasn’t eating, he couldn’t pay attention in class. And it was all Bucky’s fault. 

They hadn’t talked in four days. Steve tried to spend most of his free time either in the library or in a practice room. It didn’t help, he couldn’t focus on anything. 

Sam tried to help by offering advice, but Steve couldn’t listen to it. He didn’t need anyone telling him that the only way to move forward was to talk about it. He knew that. He knew that he needed to face the facts at some point, but he also didn’t want to be the one to initiate that conversation. 

The truth was, Steve was tired. He was tired of avoiding Bucky. He was tired of waking up in the middle of the night hearing his roommate crying. He was tired of pretending that everything was okay. 

But he was also still angry. The things that Bucky had said were too hard to just forget. A little voice in his head kept telling him that Bucky didn’t actually mean what he had said. But it didn’t matter. He’d still said it and Steve just couldn’t let it go. 

He was walking back to his dorm a couple days after the fight, praying to god that he wouldn’t have to face Bucky. With every step, his heart grew heavier and he just wanted to collapse on his bed. 

He unlocked the door to Bucky sitting on the couch with his head in his hands. He looked up and locked eyes with Steve. 

All Steve could see was his roommate’s bloodshot eyes filled with pain. 

“Buck…” he whispered. 

Bucky shook his head, tears spilling onto his cheeks. 

“Steve, I’m so sorry,” he started to say.

“Bucky, I—”

“No, let me say this,” he interrupted. “We both said things we didn’t mean. I know you don’t think those horrible things about me. And I definitely don’t think anything badly of you. You are my best friend in the whole world and I can’t live another day without talking to you.”

“I feel the same way, but we can’t just go forward from this. We have to talk about what happened,” Steve really didn’t want to do that but he knew it was the only way they could get any semblance of meaning back from what they’d had. 

“I know we do,” Bucky paused. “The thing I said about your dad…”

Steve felt heat shoot through him, but he willed it away and listened to what Bucky was saying. 

“That was way uncalled for and I didn’t mean a word of it. I respect your dad so much and I can’t believe I’m that horrid of a person that I would use your own pain against you. 

Everything that I said was horrible and came from a despicable place and I honestly don’t expect you to forgive me but I just want you to know that I care so much about you and I will never in a million years hurt you like that again.”

Steve calmly listened to what his friend was saying and let himself forgive. The pain was still present, but he knew that Bucky was telling the truth. 

“I accept you apology and I forgive you, Buck. I’m still upset and I probably will be for a little bit, but I know you and I know that you’re a better person than the words you said in anger.” 

He paused, thinking about how he wanted to go about apologizing. “I’m incredibly sorry too. This whole thing is my fault, I shouldn’t have blown up at you. The things I said and did… I just can’t even believe they came out of my own mouth. You are the best thing that’s happened to me this year and I almost ruined it because I couldn’t handle my own goddamned emotions.”

Both boys were silent for a few minutes. There was a lot to take in and a lot to think about. Finally, Steve met Bucky’s eyes and saw a small smile. His insides lit up. Throwing caution to the wind, Steve leaned over and hugged his best friend. Bucky grabbed Steve’s waist and hugged him tightly. He knew that there was still a lot to work through, but Steve was glad that he at least had his best friend back in his life.


	24. Chapter 24

“You know what we haven’t done in a while?” Bucky asked Steve one day. They were laying on their respective beds, simply existing. It was getting progressively warmer outside and they had their window open. They hadn’t planned on a lazy day, but neither of them had any pressing responsibilities and it just made sense to lay around doing nothing for a majority of the day.

“What haven’t we done in a while?”

“We haven’t gone monumenting since at least October.”

Bucky was right. They hadn’t gone to see the monuments in a very long time. Steve had chosen Marvel University because of its proximity to the greater Washington DC area. He loved his country, as broken as it was, and he wanted to be near the capital during his studies. But between band rehearsal and his class schedule, Steve had been too busy to take advantage of his proximity to so many great places.

“Let’s go!” he exclaimed, leaping out of his bed. 

“What?”

“Let’s go right now. We’re not doing anything, why not take advantage of this free time that we have and go look at the historical landmarks that are a train ride away?”

Excitement was coursing through Steve at this point. He loved little adventures with Bucky, and he was already planning out the route they would take. Bucky sat up in his bed with a thoughtful expression on his face.

“We can’t go right now,” Bucky pointed out. “We haven’t eaten dinner and we promised Tony that we’d eat with him tonight.” 

Steve’s face fell. 

“But we can go tonight,” Bucky quickly added, sensing Steve’s excitement dwindling. “We’ve never been night monumenting. That could be really exciting!”

Steve could tell that Bucky was trying to make him feel better, and it was working. He loved the monuments and he couldn’t help getting his hopes up. He’d heard stories from a few of his friends that had been night monumenting. They all claimed that it was extremely different seeing the well-loved sights in the dark. Some even said that they liked it better. 

“Let’s do it. I’ve been wanting to see them at night. Plus, it’ll be much less crowded.”

They agreed on a course of action, and Steve laid back down on his bed. He couldn’t nap with the excitement that was running through his body. He loved the history of his country, and he loved that he was so close to the places where so much had happened. But he was also looking forward to experiencing it with Bucky.

He hadn’t been to the monuments since he’d fallen in love with his best friend. It was a special thing to experience with someone, and Steve was really looking forward to going through it with Bucky, with their renewed relationship. 

Not that Bucky knew it was any different, but still.

They spent the rest of the day talking about nothing, just relaxing and getting excited for their night plans. The sun started to set and Bucky got up to break Tony out of whatever task had captured his attention all day. The three of them went to dinner in the dining hall. 

Tony asked about their plans for the night and Steve reluctantly filled him in on what they were going to do. He felt bad that they hadn’t invited him, but Steve honestly wanted it to be just him and Bucky. 

“You guys want to go just the two of you,” Tony assumed. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to impose. Bruce is coming over and we’re going to try to work through the problem I’ve been having with the AI software I developed.”

Tony continued explaining what he had been working on all day, but Steve zoned out after a few minutes. Tony didn’t seem to notice and rambled on about something Steve couldn’t even begin to understand. 

They got back up to their dorm when the sun was halfway through its setting and was casting long shadows in through their windows. Bucky and Steve started getting ready. They made sure they both had their Metro cards, as well as IDs in case anything happened. They grabbed their coats, bid goodbye to Tony, and walked to the bus stop. 

One of the great things about MU was its bus service. It was free to all students and it went straight to the closest train station. Steve and Bucky happened to get to the bus stop just as one was pulling up. They got on, and watched the DC sunset out the window. 

When they got to the train station, the sun was almost completely out of the sky and Steve was ready to see the monuments he loved in the different lighting than he was used to. They got off the train at Federal Triangle, went up the steep escalator, and emerged in the cold night of Washington DC. 

Steve could see the Washington monument in the distance, the first stop on their monumenting escapades of the night. He’d seen the obelisk from far away at night, but never up close. 

He and Bucky were silent for most of the walk, watching the people around them. The capital was beautiful and historic, but it was also dangerous if you didn’t pay attention. As they grew comfortable with their surroundings, the boys kept talking to a minimum. 

They crossed a street and ended up in the same park as the monument. As they got closer, Steve couldn’t help but keep his gaze skyward. Night had completely fallen and the sky was as dark as Steve had ever seen it. Against the blackness of the night stood the enormous Washington monument. Lights illuminated its body all the way to the sky and Steve could perfectly make out the point at the top.

“It looks ethereal,” Bucky breathed, his head also pointed up as they got closer. 

“Mhmm,” Steve couldn’t think of a better way to describe it. They decided to forego the path, and simply walk through the grass to the base of the monument itself. They reached the circle of flags and stopped. 

Both of them were now craning their necks as far as they could go, attempting to view the whole thing in one glance. Steve took out his phone and tried his hardest to capture the beauty that he was seeing. He knew that no image could ever truly depict the awe-inspiring sight he was experiencing, but he needed to try. Bucky stood rooted to the spot he was on, transfixed by the sheer beauty in front of him.

Steve gave up with the pictures and pulled Bucky out of his trance.

“I think this is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Steve said, still trying to look at everything at once. 

“It’s definitely up there on the list,” Bucky replied. His eyes were wide, and he wasn’t blinking. The light that reflected off the monument cast shadows on Bucky’s face that highlighted all of his best features. 

Bucky was right. The monument wasn’t the most beautiful Steve had ever seen. Bucky was. Steve felt the familiar butterflies whip through his stomach and he smiled. They got closer to the base until they were right up near to it. 

Steve reached out and touched the bricks. They was cold and left Steve shivering for more than one reason. This was an internationally recognizable object and he was touching it. Bucky also lifted his arm and soon they were both standing with their hands pressing on the base of the obelisk. 

Steve suddenly remembered something that his dad had told him to do if he ever found himself at the Washington monument. He sat down and scooted as close as he could to the spot where the bricks met the ground. He laid his head down on the ground and lifted his legs to be parallel to the monument. 

“Steve, what the hell are you doing?”

“My dad called it the Walk to Eternity,” Steve explained. “Come join me and you’ll see what I mean.” 

Bucky walked over to Steve with apprehension written all over his face. He joined his friend on the ground, and slowly moved into the same position, keeping his eyes on Steve the whole time.

“Okay, now rest your legs against the bricks,” Steve advised as he did the same. “Now look up.”

Bucky did as he was told. Steve kept his eyes on his best friends face and he saw the moment that Bucky’s breath was taken away. Steve looked up as well and saw why Bucky had gasped so audibly. 

Their feet were at the bottom of Steve’s vision, and the monument extended in front of him. Because of the change in vantage point, Steve couldn’t see the tip of the obelisk. It seemed that the bricks themselves extended forever, leading to another world. The stark white of the building contrasted by the blackness of the night created an illusion that there was a bridge leading somewhere into the darkness. 

“This is amazing,” Bucky whispered barely loud enough for Steve to hear. 

“I didn’t know it would look this beautiful,” Steve admitted. They stayed there for a few more minutes, just appreciating the view. Eventually, Steve noticed that more people had gathered around them and were starting to copy their positions. He swung his legs around and stood up. Bucky followed him. 

There weren’t many people around them, but those that were had gotten on the ground to experience the Walk to Eternity. 

Steve glanced at Bucky who had resumed staring up at the gorgeous sight that was in front of them. Steve watched Bucky’s eyes scan down the entirety of the monument, and eventually around to Steve. They made eye contact and Bucky smiled. His smile reached the corners of his eyes and Steve fell in love a little more. 

“Onward?” he asked. 

“I think so,” Bucky answered. 

They took one more look at the Washington monument and then began their walk to the next one. Both of them frequently turned around to see the lit up sight as they walked away. Steve showed Bucky how to backwards march so he wouldn’t trip and fall over. 

“You know, I chose MU because I wanted to live in this city. But I don’t even know why I wanted to,” Bucky told Steve. “I’m not overly patriotic or anything. And I love history as much as the next guy, but it’s not a big thing for me. I guess I was just meant to be here for whatever reason.”

“I wanted to be close to the capital too. But it’s because I love this country so much. My dad instilled that in me, I guess.”

“You’re also patriotic as fuck, Steve.”

“That’s true. Did I ever tell you the story about the national anthem?”

Bucky shook his head. 

“Oh my god, you’ll love this one,” Steve turned around to face Bucky properly as they were walking. “I don’t even know where we were at the time, but my dad decided to take us to a minor league hockey game. I had to be around five or six, I can’t really remember. 

“So before every sporting event they play the national anthem, right? Well, we got food, found our seats, and were getting comfortable when the announcer told the stadium to stand. My parents stood, and I followed them. I didn’t really understand what was going on, but it all made sense when I heard the familiar beginning notes.

“I don’t remember if it was a recording or if someone was actually singing, but that hockey game was the first time I listened to the lyrics of the song. I was invested in the story of the flag that was flying o’er the battle field, though I didn’t really know why. It got to the point where the rockets were bursting in the air, and I could picture fireworks like I’d seen on the fourth of July. 

“Then, the lady on the speaker sang the lyric, ‘our flag was still there’ and I fucking lost it. I can’t even explain why, but so many emotions hit me all at once. I was so emotional that the flag had lasted all night. It was the first time I understood what real patriotism felt like.”  
Bucky had begun laughing at this point. He was trying very hard to conceal it, but his face contorted with laughter every time Steve looked at him. 

“That’s not even the best part. My mom looked over at me and saw that I was crying. She asked me if the music was too loud for me. Being a small child, I had no idea how to explain to her that I was just so emotional about the flag withstanding a night of battle. I couldn’t find the words to describe the sheer patriotism I felt in that moment so I just nodded. I let her believe that I couldn’t handle the volume of the song, when in reality I couldn’t handle the lyrics.”  
Bucky was no longer concealing his laughter. Steve could hear it echoing around them. He couldn’t contain his own smile and ended up joining in.

“You were five years old and you cried about a flag,” Bucky said in between bouts of laughter. “Jesus, Steve. You are more patriotic than I thought.”

“You can call me Captain Patriotism.”

“No no no. That doesn’t sound right. I’m going to call you Captain America.”

“Captain America it is,” Steve agreed. The nickname was ridiculous. He pictured himself dressed up in red, white, and blue tights, running around with a gun. There was no way he’d ever do that. 

“I can’t believe you, Stevie.”

“What can I say? I just love my country.” 

“A little too much, I’d have to say.”

They reached a busy street and waited for the light to change so they could cross. Bucky was still laughing. Steve watched his best friend’s body shake with every fit of laughter. The sign changed and the crossed the street. They found themselves in front of the World War II memorial. 

Bucky’s laughter faded away as he got closer to the memorial. The look of awe and amazement had returned to his face as he looked at the fountain and surrounding pillars. Steve forced himself to look away from Bucky and take in the memorial as well.

The fountain looked even more beautiful at night than it did in the day light. The darkness made it a little difficult to read the inscriptions, but Steve had read them during the day and he got the gist of what was trying to be portrayed. 

Bucky was getting closer and closer to the fountain and Steve left his side. He began wandering around, looking at the names of the states that were carved into each pillar. He started counting all the ones that he’d lived in, marking down their location for the future. 

Something he wanted to do was take a picture in front of every state that he’d lived in. Each one would have a different pose, depending on what he’d done in that place. He was going to print out each picture, and create a kind of scrapbook for his mom. Her birthday was in May and he wanted to make something extra special for her. 

He didn’t want the pictures to be in the dark, it had to be easy to read the words that were behind him. So he created a mental map of where each state was so he could return in the day time to get the pictures he wanted. 

As he wandered around, he also took in the beauty that was around him. Each state pillar had its own wreath and the archways in between had gorgeous statues above his head. Steve suddenly felt similarly to how he had at that hockey game so many years ago. 

World War II had always resonated with him personally. It had been devastating to so many countries, families, and people. He wandered around the memorial that had been dedicated to the people that served in the war and he felt tears beginning to prick at the back of his eyes. 

He’d walked all the way back to Bucky without realizing it. He took one look at his best friend and saw that Bucky was experiencing the same kind of feelings that he was. They stood in silence, watching the fountain, and reflecting over the gravity of what they were looking at. 

“So many people lost their lives,” Bucky whispered, gesturing to the wall of stars. “This is such an important time in history and people always glance over it. I don’t get it. Sure, the battles were important, and kids should know the names of the historical figures and world leaders. But who teaches those kids about the soldiers that died protecting their country? Who knows the names of every person that walked through the gates of the concentration camps? History is an important thing to learn, but it’s not fair to those no name soldiers that were drafted against their will.”

Steve listened as Bucky went on. 

“Everyone talks about Hitler, or Churchill, or even Anne Frank. But there are so many names that we don’t know. There are so many people that died in battle. So many people that had to kill others. So many people that were tortured,” Bucky’s voice cracked. “They were kids. These soldiers were our age, Steve. Our age.” 

Steve looked at the Wall of Freedom, thinking about what Bucky was saying. There were tears threatening to spill over both of their eyes. They stood in silence for a few minutes, taking in the gravity of the memorial. Bucky took a deep breath, and turned to face Steve. 

“I’m sorry, it just kind of struck me all at once,” Bucky lowered his head. 

“Hey, don’t apologize. Everything you said is true. That’s the purpose of this memorial. It’s supposed to make you think and help people mourn the losses of so many American lives.”

Bucky nodded and started walking away. Steve looked back at the stars that represented the thousands of people that died. He swallowed his emotions and followed Bucky. 

They walked on a path next to the reflection pool, heading toward Lincoln. Because of the cold weather, the pool didn’t actually have water in it. Steve was a little disappointed, but it made the walk to the Lincoln memorial quicker and easier. 

“I guess I’m more patriotic than I thought I was,” Bucky brought up.

“You’re very caring and can empathize with people really well. History has that effect on people sometimes. You saw yourself in the shoes of those soldiers and your emotions acted accordingly.”

Bucky laughed to himself and said something under his breath. Steve couldn’t hear him, but decided against asking him to repeat it.

“So how are things going with Sharon?” Bucky asked to change the subject.

“There isn’t a thing with Sharon.”

“No?”

“No. I never really wanted there to be. She asked me out on a date, I said yes. We talked for about an hour and realized we had nothing in common. She asked me on another date but I declined. There wasn’t a future where I could see myself actually dating her.”

“Why is that?” Bucky asked, his voice piping up slightly.

“The truth is I didn’t feel anything for her. And, I mean, it was only one date. She’s a good person and I’ll probably get to be friends with her. But I know what it feels like to want a future with someone and I didn’t feel that with Sharon.”

Bucky made a sound of agreement. Steve didn’t know why they had strayed to that topic, but he was trying his hardest not to confess his feelings finally and just get everything out in the open.

They had made it past the reflecting pool and were approaching the stairs that led to Lincoln. Steve stopped at the base of the stairs and looked up. 

“Could you imagine being here when Martin Luther King was giving his famous speech?” he asked Bucky. 

Bucky ran up the stairs two at a time and stopped at the one that the activist had stood on.

“He stood here. Martin Luther King Jr. stood right at this spot and told the world about his dream.”

Steve walked up the stairs to Bucky. 

“He actually stood on the step above you.”

Bucky looked down at his feet, blushed, and moved up one step. 

“He stood here.”

They laughed and continued up the staircase to the main exhibit. Steve could see the top of Lincoln’s head and forced himself to look at the stairs as he climbed. They reached the top and Steve finally looked up.

Lincoln was bathed in warm light and looked ready to change a nation. The memorial itself reflected light in all directions and Steve couldn’t help being amazed at the beauty. He walked around the statue of the 16th president, admiring the attention to detail that it required. Bucky followed behind him as he walked to the right side of the monument building. Steve leaned back against one of the pillars and read through Lincoln’s Second Inaugural Address. Lincoln had always been his favorite president and he was struck by the speech just as much as he had been when he’d first visited. 

Steve turned around and walked to the other side of the memorial. He found the Gettysburg Address etched into the wall. As he read through the speech, all the emotions of the night returned in full force and tears spilled over onto his cheeks. 

Bucky joined him and saw the liquid on Steve’s face. He flashed a sympathetic smile and stood right next to Steve. Bucky rested his head on Steve’s shoulder and Steve let out everything he’d been holding in for months.

Standing in Lincoln’s Memorial, reading through the speech that freed an entire population of people, Steve cried. He cried because of the weight of history, he cried because he had finally found a place where he felt he belonged, he cried because he missed his dad. But most of all, Steve cried because he was in love with his best friend. 

Bucky took Steve’s hand in his and they stood there together, letting the world move around them. People walked in and out of the pillars, admiring the memorial, discussing the speeches, and taking in the beauty of Washington DC at night.


	25. Chapter 25

After what felt like hours, Steve stood up straight. Bucky took his head off of Steve’s shoulder and they let go of each other’s hands. Bucky walked around back to the entrance of the memorial and gestured for Steve to follow him. 

Bucky led him back outside. Instead of going down the stairs at the front, Bucky turned right. Steve was confused, but followed his best friend. They walked around the outer rim of the memorial building, and ended up behind the building itself. Steve checked to see if there was anything special on the back wall of the building. He saw an empty stone wall that gave no clues as to what was behind it.

Steve turned around and saw Bucky walking to the edge of the building. There were enormous pillars around the whole monument, and Bucky took a seat next to one of them. He let his legs hang over the edge. Steve walked over and joined Bucky on the ground. 

They sat in silence, looking out at the city lights expanding into the distance. Steve didn’t understand why Bucky had brought him back there, but he was glad he had. It was a calming sight, the lights dancing in the distance as cars whizzed by and people left work for the day. 

He heard Bucky sigh and looked over to his best friend. Bucky was chewing on his bottom lip, which Steve knew he only did when he was nervous. He looked like he was trying to decide whether or not to say something. Steve was about to ask if he was okay when Bucky finally said something.

“Okay, I need to tell you something.” His voice was small and Steve immediately started worrying about what was coming. “You have to promise me that no matter what I say, you won’t let it change how you see me.”

“Buck, what’s going on?”

“Just promise me. I need to know that things aren’t going to change between us because of what I’m about to tell you. Promise me that you’ll continue to be my best friend.”

“Of course. Of course I’ll still be your best friend. Is everything okay?”

“I don’t know. I just, I need to say this because I can’t just keep it inside anymore.”

“Okay…” Steve’s nerves hadn’t calmed down one bit.

“We’re friends, right? We’re close friends. We’re best friends. You are the person I go to about everything in my life. I tell you everything and you tell me everything. At least, I think you tell me everything. But that’s beside the point. You’re my person, Steve. When something happens to me, I immediately rush to tell you. We spend all of our free time together and not only because we live in the same room. I want to spend all this time with you, I’m not forcing myself to do so. When you go to your mom’s house for a weekend, I miss you. I actually miss you even though you’re half an hour away and we’re texting constantly anyway. 

“You’re my best friend and I can’t imagine my life without you. You are amazing and you always know the right things to say. You comfort me when I need it and make me laugh even when I don’t want to. You have come into my life and completely changed everything. You flipped my world upside down and I found out I like it better that way. 

“When we got in that fight, I didn’t know what to do. I was furious with you, but I was also terrified that I was going to lose you. I didn’t know how to work through my problems and I was so glad we finally figured everything out. We were both idiots and I can’t believe we wasted an entire week not talking to each other over something so trivial. 

“We’ve spent this entire year getting to know each other. I know your past, and you know mine. We can communicate with just a look and I’d be lying if I said you weren’t the most important person I’ve met this year. I feel like we’ve known each other our entire lives because we just fit together.”  
Steve had no idea where Bucky was going with this. The horrible feeling in his stomach was worsening and he couldn’t help jumping to the worst conclusions as his best friend talked.

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m incredibly glad that I met you and we got so close. You’re my best friend and I want you to be my best friend for the rest of my life.”  
Bucky took a deep breath and set his jaw. A look of determination flashed across his face and he turned to look at Steve. Bucky held his gaze and took another deep breath.

“Through getting to know you and becoming your best friend, something happened. We moved past the normal level of friendship people usually achieve with their college roommate. We’ve shared secrets, hell we’ve even shared a bed. We’ve formed a bond that I hope lasts forever and I can’t bear keeping this from you any longer,” Bucky paused, looked deep into Steve’s eyes, and forced himself to continue. “We’ve been through ups and down and, somewhere along the line, I fell in love with you, Stevie.”

Steve was silent. There was no way Bucky had just said what he thought he did. It wasn’t possible. Bucky wasn’t in love with him. Bucky was his best friend and only thought of him as a friend. Steve had to have been hallucinating or his ears registered the wrong words, because Bucky had most definitely not confessed his love for Steve. 

“I don’t want this to change anything. I still want to be your best friend, but I couldn’t bear keeping that from you for any longer.”

Steve remained silent. He was trying to process the things Bucky was saying, but none of it made sense. He couldn’t fathom a world where Bucky actually returned his feelings. He had spent months convincing himself that there was no way he’d ever have a chance of a relationship with his best friend.

“Steve, please say something. I’m kind of freaking out here, if you haven’t noticed.” 

He hadn’t noticed. He was too wrapped up inside his brain to pay attention to his friend. Bucky had started crying at some point and was now rocking back and forth in place. Steve recognized the signs as Bucky’s attempts to keep himself calm while anxiety was biting at his brain.

Bucky had curled his knees to his chest and was slowly moving back and forth, waiting for Steve to answer him. Everything hit Steve at once and he let the information sink in. 

Bucky had just confessed. Bucky loved him. Bucky loved Steve back. 

And Steve was sitting there in silence, making Bucky think that he’d made a mistake.

Steve started laughing. He was sure it was doing nothing to help Bucky’s nerves, but he couldn’t help himself. The ridiculousness of their situation dawned on him and he couldn’t stop laughing if he tried. 

Bucky was staring at Steve, trying to figure out why he was laughing. Pain played across his features as he drew the worst conclusions possible. 

“We’re idiots,” Steve told him when he’d finally calmed down enough. 

“I… what?”

“You. Me. We’re the most oblivious and idiotic people that have ever existed.”

“I don’t understand…” Bucky looked scared. 

Steve scooted closer to Bucky. He lifted his arm and placed his hand behind Bucky’s head. Steve stared into Bucky’s eyes before he leaned in. Bucky was still as confused as ever, as if he couldn’t put together what was about to happen. Steve threw caution to the wind and leaned all the way in.

When their lips met, Bucky jolted in surprise. After a few seconds of wide eyes and nerves on edge, Bucky relaxed. He melted into the kiss and Steve’s embrace.

Kissing Bucky was easily the best thing Steve had ever experienced and he never wanted to stop. Months of pent up frustration and pining were redirected into the movement of their mouths. It was sloppy and there was a lot of teeth but Steve couldn’t find the will to care.

He was kissing Bucky. Steve never thought in a million years that Bucky would return his feelings, let alone have the desire to kiss him. Yet it was happening. 

Steve pulled away and pressed his forehead to Bucky’s. His eyes were closed as his brain caught up to his body. 

“I love you too, jerk.” 

Bucky pulled his head back and looked into Steve’s eyes. He searched for any hint of joking. It seemed that Bucky’s brain also hadn’t yet caught up to his body. 

“Are you serious?” he asked. His voice was low and timid, afraid that Steve would take it back.

“Of course, Bucky. I’m in love with you. Have been for a while.”

Bucky’s face lit up and he threw himself at Steve. His arms wrapped around Steve’s shoulders and Steve had to balance their weight so they wouldn’t fall off the side of the Lincoln Memorial. 

He squeezed Bucky’s torso and his laugh returned. Bucky now understood why he had been laughing so hard just minutes earlier, and he joined in. They had been in love with each other all along and neither one had thought to notice. 

Their laughter calmed down and Bucky kissed him again. Bucky’s lips were softer than Steve ever imagined. Bucky maneuvered himself until he was sitting in Steve’s lap and slipped his tongue into Steve’s mouth. Steve forced himself to pull away.

“Hey, I know we’ve waited forever for this but we’re still in public.”

Bucky blushed and looked down. “You’re right.” He climbed off of Steve and sat down next to him. Steve grabbed his best friend’s hand and felt happier than he had in months.

“How long?” he asked Bucky.

“Hmm?” 

“How long have you felt this way?”

Bucky chuckled. “I don’t even know. There wasn’t a moment that it hit me and I thought ‘I love Steve’. It was more gradual than all at once. Sometime after Thanksgiving I kind of came to terms with it. I mean, I knew that I had some kind of feelings for you, but I couldn’t explain them. I didn’t want you to be with anyone else. But I also wasn’t ready to say that I wanted to be with you. I guess I kind of fell in love with you slowly, and ended up suffering tremendously.”

Steve nodded, fitting together the timeline. Bucky had felt things just like he had, but Steve had realized them before Bucky had. 

“What about you?”

“The day the heat broke.”

Bucky lost himself in thought, then Steve saw the moment he remembered what had happened that day. 

“I had felt things for you for a while, but I kept denying them, thinking they weren’t real or something that could be pushed aside. But when I woke up to you curled up in my arms, I realized that I was in love with you. I immediately went to Sam to talk through my feelings and I accidentally also told Clint and Natasha. It was kind of horrible. But since that day, my feelings only grew. And what you said about suffering? Yeah, there was plenty of that.”

“Holy shit, we’re idiots.”

“We really are.”

Bucky took Steve’s arm and pulled around his shoulder. Steve rested his hand on Bucky’s right arm as Bucky curled under his embrace. He felt Bucky slightly shiver and pulled him in closer. They sat in silence, looking out at the city in front of them.

Steve loved Bucky. Bucky loved Steve. They had gone months loving one another and not saying anything about it. Steve was still trying to wrap his head around it. He had kissed Bucky. Bucky had wanted to kiss him. 

Steve looked down at his best friend’s face and assumed similar things were flowing around his brain. They sat there until Steve couldn’t feel his fingers. Even with spring approaching, the air still possessed the chill of winter. 

He unfolded himself from Bucky and stood up. Bucky held out his hand and Steve helped him up. As soon as Bucky was on his feet, Steve leaned down and stole another kiss. Bucky smiled into it and welcomed Steve’s mouth against his. Steve held Bucky against him and they swayed a little bit. 

When they finally broke the kiss, Steve took Bucky’s hand and they went back around to the front of the memorial. They held hands as they walked down the steps and looked out into the distance. The Washington Monument stood tall against that night and Steve felt an immense weight leave his shoulders. 

He looked down at Bucky and found his friend already looking at him. Bucky’s smile reflected the way Steve felt. Bucky squeezed his hand and they began their journey back to the train station. 

The trip back took just as long, if not longer than the first time they walked through. Steve stopped every few minutes to lean down and kiss Bucky. Bucky always welcomed it, and was usually the one looking for more. Bucky also liked to stop and sit down with Steve, tucking himself under the taller boy’s arm. Steve didn’t complain, he loved the feeling of being able to hold Bucky.

They finally made it back to the train station and got on heading to their campus.

“I can’t believe this is real,” Bucky remarked after a few minutes. Steve was sitting on the inside of the bench with Bucky leaning into his embrace. 

“I know. I keep having to remind myself that I’m not dreaming.”

Bucky nudged himself in closer to Steve, wanting as much physical contact that he could get away with in public. They had spent a long time walking around the monuments and it was getting pretty late. The train was mostly empty, so Bucky was able to get away with a little more than he would have had there been more people around them.

“Even if I am dreaming, it’s the best dream I’ve ever had,” he said, resting his head on Steve’s shoulder. Steve made a content noise. Bucky was right. Everything felt like a dream, but it was the best he’d ever had. He knew it was real, which made everything so much better. 

They were so focused on each other they almost missed their stop. Bucky jumped up at the last second, grabbed Steve’s hand, and they ran out just as the doors began closing. 

The journey back to their dorm was spent similarly, curling up in each other’s presence and trying to enjoy it as much as they could, just in case it turned out to be a dream.

Steve opened the door to their bedroom and pulled Bucky into his bed with him. He knew that it would be awkward at first, but he didn’t care. He needed Bucky as close as was physically possible. He didn’t care what they did, as long as he was connected to Bucky in one way or another. 

Bucky tumbled down into the bed, and immediately pulled Steve into a kiss. It was more heated and frantic than any of their others had been. Steve reached up to the back of Bucky’s head and tugged on a handful of hair. 

Bucky moaned and licked his way into Steve’s mouth. They lay there, making out and feeling around each other’s body. For as much time as they spent together, Steve found that he didn’t know Bucky’s body as well as he thought he did. 

Bucky broke their kiss to push Steve’s shirt off his body and stared in wonder down at his torso. Bucky’s pupils were slowly growing and Steve loved that way he was looking at him. His mouth was slightly ajar, as if he was appreciating Steve in an entirely new light. Which, Steve thought, he kind of was. 

Steve watched Bucky’s eyes roam all around his body and surged up when their eyes met. He grabbed at Bucky’s hair again and pulled him down into a deeper kiss. There was a new atmosphere in their room as their kisses deepened and they learned each other’s bodies. 

Steve pushed Bucky’s shirt off and took a moment to appreciate the sight he’d seen countless times. Before that moment, Steve had always looked away from Bucky when he was shirtless. He was ashamed of the feelings and emotions that ran through his body when he looked at Bucky’s perfectly toned abs. 

But now, it was perfectly normal for him to take in the sight before him. Bucky bit his bottom lip and watched as Steve appreciated his body. They resumed their kissing and Bucky twisted their position so they were lying down facing each other. 

“I don’t want to ever stop kissing you,” he admitted. 

Steve chuckled, feeling similarly. “I think it’s become my life goal to be kissing you at all times.” He planted a chaste peck onto Bucky’s lips. As they lay there, simply looking into each other’s eyes, Steve realized just how tired he was. 

“I don’t know about you, but I’d be pretty content with falling asleep here and now.” He had Bucky in his arms, and he could just lean forward and kiss his best friend if he wanted to. He saw Bucky smile faintly and nod.

“This is the only place I ever want to be,” Bucky hadn’t stopped smiling.

They both took off their jeans in order to be more comfortable. Steve couldn’t help but notice that they were only two pieces of clothing away from being naked, but he figured that could wait until another time. He wasn’t ready to be that intimate with Bucky, but he definitely wanted to be in the future.

Steve pulled Bucky into a long and passionate kiss, never wanting to let go of him again. He had finally gotten what he wanted and he felt overwhelming peace. Taking one look at Bucky told Steve that he felt the same way. He still couldn’t believe that everything that had happened that night was real. Bucky loved Steve. His brain couldn’t fully comprehend that sentence, but he was content with being confused if that meant he could be as close to Bucky as he wanted to be.

“I love you, Buck.”

“I love you too, Stevie.”


	26. Chapter 26

“Hey, Steve, can I borrow your Swiffer?”

Steve heard a distant sound of his bedroom door opening. There might have been knocking, but he wasn’t awake enough to discern what sounds belonged to what action. He opened his eyes a slit to see Tony walking in. 

“Mmmmm,” Steve groaned, hoping that was enough to give Tony permission. Tony walked to the corner of his room and grabbed the Swiffer. He turned around to thank Steve when Bucky groaned and popped his head out from under the blankets. 

“HOLY SHIT!” Tony screamed. He dropped the Swiffer and ran out of the room. His sudden outburst woke up both Steve and Bucky. 

The events of the previous night slowly filtered into Steve’s brain and his face broke into a smile. He kissed Bucky, morning breath be damned. Bucky hummed into the kiss.  
Steve realized how it must have looked to Tony and he laughed. Neither he nor Bucky were wearing shirts and Tony’s brain must have jumped to the only conclusion Tony’s brain could jump to. 

“C’mon,” he stood up and pulled Bucky with him. “We need to go explain some things to our suitemate.” 

Bucky followed Steve out of their room, holding his hand the entire time. Steve knocked on Tony’s door and they slowly entered. They found Tony sitting on his bed, rapidly texting. His head snapped up when he heard the door open. His expression was one of surprise and confusion. 

“Tony, we need to tell you something,” Steve started. 

“You guys fucked, that much I can gather for myself.”

Bucky snorted and his head fell on Steve’s shoulder. 

“Umm, no. Bucky slept in my bed last night, but we didn’t have sex.”

Tony shot him a look of amusement. “As if you haven’t been trying to sleep with him since you met. I see things, Steve. I know what it looks like to want to fuck someone.”

Bucky’s snort turned into a low chuckle. 

“You’re right, I have felt that way about Bucky for a long time. But we didn’t sleep together last night, if that makes you feel better.”

“So what is this?” 

“Umm,” Steve didn’t know how to answer. What would he call their relationship?

“I confessed my love for Steve last night at the Lincoln memorial. He laughed and called me an idiot,” Bucky said as a way of explanation. Tony squinted his eyes.

“I laughed because I love him too and I called both of us idiots,” Steve clarified. 

“I repeat my earlier question: What is this?”

“We’re not sure. We’ve made out a few times, and fell asleep in the same bed. We haven’t really had the time to discuss our relationship yet,” Bucky said blatantly. 

Tony suddenly looked extremely uncomfortable.

“We’re going to go back into our room and probably talk through this. I promise you’ll be the first to know as soon as we do,” Steve told Tony.

“We’d also really appreciate it if you deleted those texts you were about to send and keep this to yourself for the time being,” Bucky remarked. Steve laughed and they started to leave. 

He knew they were being unnecessarily rude, but they had only just woken up. Both he and Bucky were still riding the high of the previous night and they needed more time to appreciate it together without other people getting in the way.

They left Tony with a bewildered expression and his phone hanging out of his hand. 

“That was fun,” Bucky said as they walked back into their room. 

“It was, but we really should talk this through. Not just for our sakes, but for Tony’s also. He’s the one that’s going to have to deal with us for the foreseeable future.”

Bucky smiled. “You see a future for us?”

“You don’t?”

“Of course I do, it’s just nice knowing that we’re on the same page.”

“So what does that future include?” Steve was glad that this conversation was already so easy. 

“I mean, we’re not exactly the poster children for a normal relationship. We fell in love with each other as friends, and pined mutually without knowing that the feelings themselves were mutual.”

“That’s true. So how are we going to go forward from here? I don’t want things to change drastically, but I also don’t want to go back to suffering as just your best friend.”

“Agreed.”

“So…” Steve stared at Bucky, looking for an answer. 

“So.” Bucky stared back. 

“Bucky Barnes, will you be my boyfriend?” Steve took a leap of faith, desperately hoping that he was correct in his assessment of their circumstances. 

“Why, I thought you’d never ask!” Bucky smiled and leaned into kiss Steve. 

Their smiles were so big that they didn’t really kiss so much as press their faces together. Steve didn’t care. 

Bucky Barnes was his boyfriend. He was dating Bucky Barnes. Never in a million years did he think that sentence would be the truth. Yet, there he was, Bucky in his arms, feeling like his life was finally complete. 

Steve pulled away from Bucky and just looked at his boyfriend’s face.

“You’re my boyfriend,” he said. The words rolled off his tongue and butterflies flew around his stomach, threatening to tear him apart. 

“You’re my boyfriend,” Bucky repeated, sounding amazed. 

Steve’s face hurt from how widely he was smiling. Hearing Bucky say it made it so much more real. Steve pulled his boyfriend in and kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I'm so glad this fic is finally out there and ready to be read. If you haven't checked out the art piece, I highly recommend. 
> 
> http://redwriteblue.tumblr.com/post/149849950123/they-order-starbucks-for-each-other-how-could-i
> 
> You can find me on tumblr, probably crying about Bucky Barnes... hey-there-delaney.tumblr.com


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